It's been an 11-week rollercoaster - or so those trying to get me excited about the final keep saying. Is watching Big Brother really similar to that? Well, I suppose. I mean, if you try to imagine an actual 11-week rollercoaster, how incredibly boring would that get? Very boring. And occasionally nauseating too, of course. So really quite similar then. On and off.
So here we are - the last night. I'm going to be following it all, as it happens, and keeping a diary of the highlights - so click on 'read more' to read more, and as the night goes on, hit refresh to read the latest update.
9.40pm teaser: Oooh, two housemates evicted, two to go. To find out who, simply carry on reading...
10.26pm even teasier teaser: And we have a winner! We know who won Big Brother 6! Who? Keep reading to find out...
Pre-amble I'd rather spend eternity in a hell of soup-slurpers and a thousand Mick Hucknall clones than five minutes in a lift with a single one of them, it must be said.
Still, I can't pretend I haven't followed the damn thing since it started, and so have many many other people, whether they admit it or not. We've watched them come, and we've watched them go. Mary, Lesley, Sam, Roberto, Saskia, Maxwell, Vanessa, Kemal, Science, Orlaith, Derek, Craig, Makosi, Eugene, Kinga, Anthony, and yes, I'll admit, I had to look some of those up. We've watched them chat, and argue, eat, and argue, paddle in the pool, sit around in the pool, argue in the pool, and have sex (or not have sex, depending on who you ask) in the pool. Some of us have even watched them sleep, which is either calming or creepy, depending on who you ask.
Soon, it will start. And soon, we will know. Well, in about two and a half hours... Two and a half hours. Oh God.
8.40pm Ok, prediction at this point? I'm going to say Anthony. There are lots of girly cheers whenever he appears onscreen, he's a sweet boy, he's been awfully mauled, poor lamb, and yes, he may be annoying, vain, selfish and a little bit thick, but look at that cheeky wee Geordie face!...
Yes. Definitely Anthony. Or maybe Makosi. One or the other.
Unless it's someone else.
8.50pm First eviction of the night in 10 minutes. I think it's going to be Kinga. Kinga, then Eugene (well, he can't be too put out, he's already got half the prize money), then Makosi, then Anthony. Maybe.
In other news, I'm not quite sure what Davina McCall's wearing, but she looks a little like a salmon. A salmon with lovely shiny hair, obviously.
9pm Right. Here we go, fourth place. But first, they're having a parade of ex-housemates. There are a mixture of cheers and boos for all. Each gets 15 seconds more in the limelight... Davina: Oooh, Lesley, you've gone brunette. Lesley: I was always a brunette.
Davina: So what have you been up to, Sam? Sam: Mainly modelling and geting blokes on porn sites! Davina: ...
Bless, here's Science. I thought Science was going to win from the outset. I was wrong. Are they doing this eviction, or what?
9:07pm Here we go ... fourth place ... it's Kinga! I said it would be, and I was right. My god, that's a low cut top. You'd have to be confident/brave to wear that. (Insert your own joke about having a lot of bottle here). (Do not insert any actual bottles).
9.19pm Davina deconstructs Kinga's time in the house. Kinga's time in the house seems to have mainly consisted of screaming, showing off her ginormous funbags, and telling whoever would listen that she was both "crazy" and "mad". People who say they are "crazy" and "mad" are among the most annoying on the planet. They make me angry. They discuss the bottle incident. Kinga's defence is that she is a spontaneous. And "crazy", and "Off the wall". At this point, I go mad, and scream. All I need is a huge pair of breasticles, and we'd almost be sisters.
9:24pm Third place housemate. Here we are ... It's Makosi!
Oooh, that was a shock!
They'll be back after a half an hour break, as will I...
10.01pm Reet, we're back. And soon, Davina will be grilling Makosi on the Big Brother podium. well, lightly grilling her, anyway. She doesn't really do heavy grilling.
30 seconds. How big will the booing be?
10.04pm Oooh, BIG booing. That's mean. Why the hell would you go along to something just to boo at people? Boo, boo, they're saying.
Well, that's what it sounds like they're saying, anyway. Living above a busy road and having the windows open, I've got the subtitles on as usual, and according to that, the crowd are going 'BOOOG! BOOOOOG!' Which is unusual.
10.11pm Actually, contrary to what I said a minute ago, she really is getting a bit of a grilling. Or a roasting, I'm not sure. But she's coming across as rude, surly, and quite horribly over-confident and arrogant. Well I'm very glad she didn't win now. BOOOOOOOOOOOG!
10.16pm The lines are now closed. There'll be no more voting, I tell you. The decision has been made... Very soon, we'll know for sure.
Ooooh, I forgot to vote.
My god, women died for my right to vote - how could I forget? My mother will kill me.
Anyway. It's going to be either Anthony or Eugene, who's it going to be? Oh, the tension. We'll know soon enough. We'll know in ... After the break, apparently.
10.24pm
Ok, the runner-up, Big Brother 6, is Eugene
The winner is ...
Anthony! (obviously) (sorry, I should have thought that one through to make it a little more suspenseful) (Damn)
10.29pm So for anyone who doesn't know, on Wednesday night, after Craig got evicted, a random housemate was called to the diary room - it turned out that Eugene went - and asked a question. They were told that the prize money stood at £100,000, and that if he wanted to, he could take half of it there and then. What he wasn't told was that if he didn't accept, the prize money would double. So he sat, and he thought, and he worried, and then he took the money. Well, I would too, so good for him.
Still, as he left the house just now, saying "Well done Anthony, you deserve it", Anthong - sorry, Anthony - was saying "Thanks, mate", which frankly sounded like a very thin veil with a rock-hard "You've got half me money, y'bastid" underneath. Also understandable.
10.37pm Finally, finally, Davina is going to collect Anthony from the house and hear what he has to say. Did he and Makosi actually have sex after all? Does he know he's as camp as David? Was he as scared of Craig as any reasonable person would have been? All will be revealed, in a mome... Oh. After the break.
10.44pm Anthony is out of the house. Staring at the television in bored disbelief, my boyfriend has just declared that "He's weird. His arms, they're... there's something of the monkey about this man, isn't there?"
He did all the poses, the John Travolta, the rubbing of the knees - he lay down on the floor as he did when he went in; all in all, he posed, and posed and posed like a ... well, like an enormous poser.
10.55pm Right, there we are then. Bland prettyboy wins £50,000. Well done him. Another year of Big Brother is over. Some people will never have noticed it began. Some people will say they never noticed it began, but they will be Lying. And some people will admit that, like the fools they are, they fell for it all over again. I did. I hated it, and I hated myself for it, but still, I made sure I knew what had happened every day. And now it's over. And they move on to fame, fortune and the media career of their dreams.
10.56 Sorry, Anthony who?
No, no idea who you mean. Let's move on. Good night.
