Last Thursday Sixteen people entered. Tonight, one will leave. Then DAvina will interview them with her head cocked to the side, then they will disappear into the miasma of famelessness once more. You know the drill.
I'll be here, watching it. From 9pm till 10, and then later for the actual eviction. Any observations, comments, points of interest or concern (apart from the concern that we aren't ignoring Big Brother, we've heard that one) drop them in the comment box below - click on read more to read more, and hit refresh for new updates and comments. Or if you went out to the pub and you're just dying to find out what happened, just read on...
Big Brother has now been going for more than a week. Only eight days and there've already been rows, 'bullying', electrocutions, tears, anger, drownings and small fires.
Well, alright, for those last two, people went in the pool and then had a cigarette, but the rest are true.
This week, since I may not have watched *that* much in the intervening period, I want to know if first impressions were correct, whether it's really that exciting (I think it probably isn't, judging by the ratings, but what do I know?)
And I want to know who YOU say will win. First one to pick the correct winner gets a prize novelty pen.
9pm: "This isn't just an eviction" Snarls Davina, in her evil voice sounding like an M&S Food Hall advert gone off. "This is ... the most embarrassing eviction of all. It's the first-out eviction"
Well there's a catchy name for you. Welcome one, welcome all, to the Firstout Eviction!
The crowd behind her, as Davina helpfully explains the WHOLE fake wedding thing in under 70 seconds for everyone who hasn't been watching this week (so that's 'everyone' then) are chanting 'Get Alex OUT!', which seems rather previous, as she;s not actually up for eviction this week. Which leads me to believe that whoever DOES get evicted, they're going to be disappointed - because it's really not going to be Alex.
9.05: We're watching 16 people shopping, from a list. With only a pound a head a day for groceries, they're having a discussion about what must be included and what must not. Everyone's concerned about lager and cider, and how many cans of each there should be, seeing as they're 40p each and they're only allowed £5.60 on alcohol at all.
Alex - who has been painted as rather a short-tempered and perhaps irrational wee soul, points out that they have so far ordered no vegetables, and if they went without alcohol altogether, they could get vegetables instead. She takes a vote, and decides they will be getting vegetables over cans of cheap lager. This woman is surely a good example for all the poor diets of Britain! Isn't that what we want?
In the comments, Beansprout has just stated his or her preference for the winning of Rex. And, unsure, has asked whether libel laws apply here. Well, I don't know about that, Beansprout, I'll have to find out. But I don't think calling someone a tosspot would count anyway. That's subjective - a matter of opinion, rather than a statement of fact. Any lawyers out there? Where do we stand on calling people tosspots, legally?
9.14: I must apologise for not being entirely clued up about this first week very much - the problem with the first week of Big Brother is that everyone's always Very Shrill for at least the first three or four days, and I just can't take it, so I usually have to back out until at least this point. How that differentiates the first week from all the rest is, of course, debatable - but I just wanted to point out if I'm not as clear on events as I should be: apologies.
9.17: We've had one break, and come back to find Davina even more excited than she was before, and wearing some kind of belted bin bag.
In the comment box, much love is being felt for Kathreya, who is, I have to admit from my catch-up marathon this afternoon, very lovable. She is small, and round, and keeps shouting 'Cream Crack-ard!" at random moments.
In the catch up, we're still talking about the shopping.
9.22: I was apparently wrong! Blythy says it was Jennifer who called for vegetables, not Alex. Mea Culpa.
I'm just going to rewind and check .... Well, actually, she certainly led the charge and the vote against the alcohol and for the vegetables instead ... but again: waddoo I know? I defer to people who may have watched this more. Get Alex Out, etc!
9.25: Before we know it, everyone's drinking 'Moonshine' (having not ordered alcohol, Big Brother gave them some anyway, we all know how deathly dull this programme is without it)(for shame) and jolly happier for it. We cut back to Davina, who is more excited than ever.
I'm still trying to put my finger on the material her trench coat is made out of - not literally, that would be impossible, and overfamiliar - and am veering away from binbag and toward vinyl. Whatever it is, it looks madly uncomfortable.
9.30: "As four of our housemates dangle over the precipice of defeat, who do YOU want to push off?" says Davina, clearly brilliantly off-the-cuff as usual.
"Get Alex OUT!" scream some audience members nearby.
"She's not nominated! Shut UP!" Shouts Davina in return. Ah, that's much more like it. Impulsive. You can tell it's her last series - her patience is wearing very thin.
9.36: After half an hour of drinking Big Brother's Moonshine - that's not a euphemism, apparently, it's a mixture of one part alcopop to three parts water - the housemates jig about a bit to that shouty song by the Ting Tings that is currently in the popular charts. A few of them try bumping and grinding with the nearest available person, and Mario and Lisa dance like old people, and a good time is had by all.
9.40: Later, after a bit of emotional upheaval for ...oh, god, I don't know. Someone or other - they've been sent into a depressive spiral by half a cup of WKD and too much sugar, let's face it. Stephanie, who could be out tonight, has a little cry and a cigarette.
Meanwhile, in the living room, there's an impromptu beatbox and rapping session. I miss who does the beatboxing - though I think it may be Rex - and Darnell raps, and by Big Brother standards, is not too bad.
What IS bad though is the moment the camera cuts outside and Davina tries to carry on the beatbox vibe. It is a really, REALLY bad idea.
9.45: "11.12pm Some of housemeats are in the bathroom" Says Marcus the Voiceover Man. Actually no, to be fair, some of the housemeats are in the bath. Together. About six of them, and it's a very small bath. They then get out and dance about a bit, singing, loudly.
"A ha ha ha ha!" they shout. "A hee hee hee hee hee!" They scream. "Woo hoo! Someone get a wet floor sign, this is a health and safety breach!" shouts Luke.
Who asked THAT guy to the party?
9.51: There's been a lot of conversation about what Mario looks like. Is he a Joey from Friends lookalike? Is he a Sylvester Stallone lookalike?
I don't think it's either, really. There was this trick you used to be able to do with some old Sindy dolls where you could pull their heads off and turn them inside out and then they had these entirely flat faces that streched around their tight, round heads.
Well, like that. A rambo doll that you did that too. Or perhaps a Joey from Friends inflatable over-inflated to the point of *almost* exploding. That's more like it.
9.54: We're concentrating on the burgeoning love story or Stephanie (who might be out tonight) and Rex (who has a girlfriend on the outside). It's not so much a burgeoning love story as two people lying in a room saying "Are you being funny with me, like?" "No why do you think I'm being funny?" "I'm not being funny, am I?" "No, I'm not being funny either though" "Yeah but it was a bit like you were being funny."
So the same good old slice of life stuff, then. Because life is Very Dull in Slices. Just like baloney.
9.57: They're doing the announcement to the house from inside a silent studio this year (or perhaps just this week) "so the housemates can't be influenced by what people think outside". Hm.
And the Firstout Eviciton member today will be ...
"Stephanie!"
Burgeon no more, burgeoning romance! Burgeon ye not!
Right. Back at 10.30ish for the eviction. In the meantime, Raef is on 8 out of ten cats! But then, so is Jimmy Carr. Swings and roundabouts, eh?
10.35: Right. We're back. Sorry, I would tell you how Raef did on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, but there was a fag break, followed by one of those YouTube adventures that consumes time. This one started with a classic piece of Finnish pop (best dancing ever?) and ended with Soul Train montage. Good old internet. It's not just there for the nasty things in life, like ... oh, Big Brother's started again. Back to that.
10.38: "The honeymoon is over" says Davina "Here comes the bride".
And we flash back and see the scene in the house for the last half an hour. There has been hugging. Lots of hugging. Stephanie is absolutely mortified and upset at being the first one out of the house.
Is this, I ask my knowing audience of commenters, the first time in quite a few years that we've got through the first week without losing someone already? I can't think of the last time it happened. (Someone's going to say 'last year' now, I just know it)
Davina's made her second announcement from the silent studio. Stephanie ... she's coming to get you ...
10.43: Stephanie leaves the house in girlish plaits, bright pink skirt and a big pink flower. She looks very scared, and very pretty, and people boo quite a lot.
Now from what I've seen she was a bit whiney, yes. But was she really that bad? maybe, as someone said in the comment box below, it's the girlfriends of all those ginger men who have had their hearts stolen by blonde Liverpudlians in the past. Because god knows it's probably terribly common.
10.45: There is an ad break. One of those annoying Heat ads that has a generic top and bottom sandwiching some crappy shots of pages turning and a voiceover fitting whatever is in this weeks tut-porn into the ad. (You know, the kind of thing that people only read so they can go 'tut, hasn't SHE got lots of cellulite', and feel somehow gratified by it)
After a trailer for Big Brother's Big Mouth, in which Chris Moyles simulates an Abu Ghraib style interview 'that he will be conducting on the evictee later' (nice!) we're back in the room.
10.49: Stephanie sits shaking and trying not to cry, tucking her hands under her thighs and looking quite like a small child on the stage.
"You said you wanted to be the most famous Big Brother housmate ever" said Davina "yeh" meeps Stephanie. "Well, you're going to have to try Quite Hard Now!" shouts 'Vina. "yeh", Steph bips.
10.53: Stephanie is quiet and shy when faced with the Davina-grilling.
"Did you fancy Rex" "yeh. well no. well 'e was more like a friend" "What about Alex?" "Um" "Was she scary?" "yeah" "Did you like this person?" "yeh" "What about that person?" "no" "Who do you think will be out next week?" silence
And so on, and so on, and so on. It's like pulling teeth.
Eventually she starts talking and gets a bit more relaxed - but only when talking about how Mario is treating Michael like a baby and not allowing him to gel with the group.
10.59: "Did you enjoy your time?" "yeh" "Do you like Luke?" "yeh!" "Oh, is he really nice?" "yeh"
Davina is a woman on the edge.
"How would you sum up your time in the Big Brother house?" she asks, with an implied 'if you just say 'yeh', I'm going to fecking LAMP you.'
"'Mazin." squeaks Stephanie. "I wouldn't change a thing. I jist wish it wasn't jist a week."
So maybe, on reflection, that's one thing you might have changed. but it wasn't to be. Bye bye, Stephanie. Seriously. Was she like that all week?
11.07: And that's it. WAS that the most painful interview in the history of Big Brother? I'm struggling to think of a more monosyllabic one.
Still, she seems a nice lass, and I wish her all the luck in the world at becoming the biggest Big Brother housemate ever.
That's it for us - or at least for me. The comment box, meanwhile, has turned into a rather lovely Nerd Herd advice bureau with the occasional passing reference to what may or may not be on television. And I think that probably says all you need to know about what you missed if you missed tonight's Big Brother...
Thank you, and goodnight
xoxo, bb-girl
