And then those two get thrown out onto the cold, hard streets of semi-fame. So it's really 'When a dozen or so become some number closer to twenty, on and off, and then become or perhaps 8 or ten depending on how many people the twins count as, who then become three nominees out of whom two leave', but I keep getting told off for long post titles.
Wow. Way to intro, Anna. Anyway - here from 8.30 to 9.30, then back again at ten for the old double-headed eviction trick, please refresh for constant updates (ish. constant-ISH) and if you want to leave a comment about the world of Big Brother and the fact we're coming into the LAST WEEK, then by jove, you should just bally well DO that. Please.
And it's the last week of a Big Brother for oooh, AGES, what with the Celebrity one being 'rested' next year. I'm actually reasonably grumpy about that. So they're not resting the one where extrovert basically boil their heads in each other's bile for thirteen weeks, but they ARE skipping the one where MPs occasionally lick milk from the hands of faded actresses, dismissing the dignity that they, at least, had in the first place.
You'll have to excuse me, I'm a bit grumpy. Everyone else is off having fun in Edinburgh and grumble grumble grumble has it started yet?
8.30: Right! Hello! We're here. The housemates are here (they can't get out), and Davina's here, with something large and black, landed in her hair. Now, in theory, this shouldn't be so much of a problem, as usually she's a-tossing that glossy barnet from word go. This week? Really non-tossy, weirdly. Perhaps she wants to keep the THING. Perhaps it is a PET.
8.35: This week, either Kara Louise and Jonty, Jonty and Tracey, or Tracey and Kara Louise will be leaving the house.
Who will go? I am ashamed to say I have almost NO idea. Readers, I confess right here and now, for various reasons, I have not had time to commune with the Brotherness this week - so if I sound slightly vaguer than usual, that will be why. But I have a an idea what is going on, fear not! They did an etiquette task, Carol farted, they finally got some food, and one of the twins got a bit sad.
So from that - who will go, do we think? Well, if there was an justice in the world, Ziggy and that annoying model one, Billi. But sadly, one of them wasn't up for eviction, and I'm starting to think the other was a product of a fevered imagination.
So Kara Louise and ... I'm hoping - Tracey? Maybe? Is that wrong? Please do say.
8.40: How come people keep telling me it's a golden age for advertising and yet every time I turn around there's yet another appallingly dubbed piece of beauty-cremery being shoved (quite literally) in my face? And there's not even a vague attempt to hide the dreadful dubbage, they have people's mouths moving for whole minutes after the vocal track has finished. Well, perhaps not minutes. But almost minutes.
And no one's ever told me it's the golden age of advertising, either. It just sounded impressive. Sorry. Oh, it's started again.
8.45: Tracey and her pink hair clash horribly with the ketchup red duvet cover. It offends me, personally, in my slightly OCDish way. She should therefore be evicted for this reason alone. I am picking up the phone as we speak.
8.50: The housemates are doing some task that involves them deciding who is the best housemate. The prizes will be booze and food and things. You have to imagine that whatever happens, Big Brother will conjure some way to pour some more alcohol into the otherwise tiresome bunch.
There are some complex rules and Ziggy is in charge of how many things they will receive. He seems to find this stressful, and sits in the diary room anxiously chewing the area where most other people have lips. Suddenly, this answers an awful lot of questions. Once, Ziggy's lips were a plush and bouyant field. Then, after a small sprinkling of success, things started to go wrong. Attacked by stress, the kissing fields slowly wore away to the negative-lippage we see before us. It's a moving story. Please, people. If you have a syringe-full of compassion in your heart, give generously to the Ziggotox Fund.
Thank you.
21.00: So there's this advert for 'Pure Urban Essentials', a record album, of the 'Latest and Greatest street beats and urban flavas' says - I think - Lisa I'Anson. Which is good, because I got a bit confused, because I'm pretty sure that under 'Latest' they had an image of the Notorious B.I.G. Who's been dead for what, ten years? 'Late' I would agree with. Latest, not so much.
My beloved has just sat down and helpfully flicked the television channel over. I'm building up to telling him that I've actually been working all these Friday nights and could he please turn it back, but he seems to be enjoying the 'Kings of Leon' too much at the moment. Although apparently he liked them better before they shaved their beards off. Interesting.
Oh, he's turned it back just in time. Bother.
9.05: The housemates are having a party, Kara Louise is having a sad, and in the comments box, Hermioneingold is having a fantasy in which they HAVEN'T cancelled Celebrity Big Brother, and has decided to 'get Wino, Lohan. Ritchie, Hilton, Katona & Spears' into some kind of Celebrity Big Rehab, which, actually, isn't a bad idea as - as well as pleasing their fly-on-the-wall-lovers - it ALSO fulfils their public service remit! Score!
She then suggests blowing it up, which I can't possibly advocate. I mean, where's Docherty? Not part of the deal because of being in prison, or what?
9.10: The younger, prettier housemates seem to have just swapped half of their luxury shopping for four songs, a bottle of wine and two cans of cider.
That's utterly irresponsible and, speaking as someone who has lived in community, very poor thinking indeed. This can't possibly be a model for living.
Oh sorry, was it not meant to be? But I came here for public service broadcasting! Booooo.
9.16: Back after the break, and the housemates are swapping more of their luxury shopping budget for paltry amounts of booze. Quite apart from the fact this is the stupidest thing in the world (ever) to do, Carole is now kicking off because they've swapped the long-awaited piccalilli behind her back. I'm frankly racking my brain trying to remember what piccalilli is. Is it bits of cabbage in yellow salad dressing?
Carole is doing all her protesting while wearing a leotard, which I am frankly unprepared for mentally, but trying to struggle through. I hope Jonty stays. he seems lovely. I mean, i know he keeps taking his clothes off, but still.
10.23: Heymate has just pointed out in the comments that what Davina's outfit is missing is a necklace. That's IT. It's so true. Carol's getting naked on the screen but even though (and perhaps because of) that, that's all I can think about. Nice dress, but Heymate is absolutely right. A pendant, ideally.
9.25: The evictees are announced!
There is no messing about, no waiting, no pauses, it's
TRACEY!
(yay! clashing!)
And ...
KARA LOUISE!
Brilliant. Just as I said. Jonty lives to Jont another day. Now he should win. No, that's never going to happen.
I was about to launch into an extended discussion about Jonty and his position as diplomat for the fetish community, but I think I'll have me tea instead. Back at 10.
10.00: Evictions! Evictions! YAY! We're Backintheroom!
10.02: 'Vina opens the proceedings by showing off her scraped knee and bloody hand and saying 'I just fell over! And these photographers down here caught it! Look at my wounds!"
So there's a bunch of pictures having just suddenly lost face value, then. Super. It cuts down on the amount of 'what happened in the last half hour' footage, but then, what EVER happens in the last half hour?
I don't mean EVER, because quite a lot of things do, historically; I just mean On This Show. They're leaving. Both at once...
"HAVE IT! HAVE IT!"
They (one of they) shout.
10.06: There is a lot of cheering, with the odd bit of booing by the people who turn up to do that whoever it is.
They will be back after the break to interview, etc etc.
10.08: Seriously, does the latest M&S advert for burgers 'filled with rich Italian gorgonzola' make anyone else want to vomit? Is it just me and the man on the sofa next to me? Because seriously, if that's the posh Aldi equivalent of Cheeseburgers, I ain't biting. Literally.
10.11: Christ on a unicycle, I've JUST seen the Big Mouth presenters for the first time this week (told you I've been busy) - are those Richard and Judy's kids? They must be, because My Lord, they're clones. Yet horrendously posh, so missing the people's touch of their parents. Odd. Oh, the interviews have started.
10.14: Tracey is a bolshy, 'Vina is bruised and fawning, and someone is trying to talk to me on the instant messenger machine about how many weight watcher points they have had today.
They show Tracey all her nominations, and it really looks quite hurtful - she's been in there such a long time, but really, she's putting on a huge face for the eviction interview - not answering anything, talking about anything at all. It's a terrible interview. We know it, 'Vina knows it, everyone knows it.
10.19: I keep popping into the comments and realising we're saying EXACTLY the same things, but about 60cms apart. Sigh.
They're showing Tracey's best moments which no, now you mention it, don't mention the clashing thing, which is odd, because it was frankly appalling.
10.21: Kara Louise's interview has begun. She is enormously dull, and clever, and dull. Davina says she had 'an enormously difficult job to do in there'. Yes, Davina! Get in there! ALL the tough questions! Oh, no, hang on, that wasn't a question, or tough, or ...
Oh! They're talking about armpit hair.
10.29: They show Kara Louise's best bits. They are brief and bizarre. I am struck by how much she smiles like a member of the royal family. I think perhaps it is a portent.
They talk a little, before that, of course, about her plucking her body hairs, and she explains it away as missing her epilator, not allowed into the house. I think briefly about drafting you a quick essay on my experiences with hair removal, but decide you are not paying me enough for that kind of flesh exposure, and decide to make this good night.
Good night, all. Thanks for comments - regular commenters and (particularly) new ones - you have all been ace, thank you, and good night.
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