(You know, just in case they start talking about ban liveblogging for reality shows as well as sport or something)
Hello and, after the shocking debacle that was last year's Celebrity Big Brother, and Channel 4's heartfelt plea that they'd learnt from it, felt terrible about it, were resting it and would never do it again honest gov - welcome to this, a Brand New show to channel four, the like of which has hardly ever been seen, except in the case of several other shows, in which its like can be seen quite clearly. Big Brother, for example. And Celebrity Big Brother. It's really quite like those.
Anyway, we'll be here from 9-10, updating live the whole sorry and/or surprisingly enjoyable debacle as it happens on Channel 4, so once the fun begins, hit refresh for new content and new comments.
But this time, they're not actually letting the celebrities in the house, so that if they suddenly DO get all bad and racist and wrong, as we all know celebrities are wont to do, the police will be able to get to them a lot quicker. They'll be on hand. Standing by. I've seen the trailers.
So. How's this concept going to work, then. Is it going to work? I have no idea. I'm just thinking of this as a protracted and heartfelt goodbye to Dermot.
8.45: So the celebrities come along for a day each, is that right? And there are a bunch of young'uns in the house, all - C4 have been keen to promote - young 'gifted' people who have 'achieved' something. We have all achieved something. Everyone is gifted. It just depends how wide your parameters are. In the case of CBBH? V. Wide.
Anyway, so the celebrities come along, and play Big Brother. So they just hang about and tell the housemates what to do, is that right?
It's just a several-week-long game of Simon Says, isn't it?
8.59: Ooooh, it's almost here, it's Celebrity Big Brother. No, it isn't, it's an extended trailer for 'All the wonderful things on E4!' (friends repeats) and, in particular, the new series of Skins.
9.02: Oh, NOW it's starting. After 'boasting' about how they're moving onto the much cooler world of E4 but for tonight, and tonight only, they're on both Channel 4 AND E4. Wow.
9.05: So Dermot's going to be presenting all these shows, interviewing evicted housemates, and also doing BBLB. blimey, did he have a lot of contract to work out or something? Or has Davina just foresworn this concept like the flea-ridden pig-monkey it really is?
9.08: It's a shockingly different procedure to the norm. Instead of opening auditioning a load of people of all ages, the producers went out and 'found' some (how?) and THEN auditioned them, and then chose them, and now they're going to be on the show.
9.12: Am I sounding a bit jaded about this? No? Well that's weird, because I'm feeling a bit jaded, I must admit. Because in Big Brother, are the most interesting contestants ever the youngest ones? And, honestly, I know I sound like a bit of a hippy, but everyone's exceptional in some way, aren't they? Everyone's gifted at something? So as long as someone came along and said 'I'm young, and I can not only tie my shoelaces really well, but really fast', the producers would find some way of manhandling them in, wouldn't they? If their personality was right? And they were willing to wander around in a bikini top in January? No?
9.15: Here they come, then. John is a politician, and 20. He's the Chairman of the Scottish Youth Parliament and, according to his biography, would like to see a revival and attitude change towards red-haired people in the world.
Well, he's not seeing it in Elstree tonight, sadly, as I can't think any other reason why the hired goons are booing him so. He seems an eminently sensible young man, who wants to be a politician. He wants to be a career politician, and so has volunteered to enter the Big Brother house. Odd. But then, so did young George Galloway, and look at him now.
Um...
Matt Lucas is calling John, the first housemate, into the diary room.
9.20: Unless they're going to be pouring the other ten in through the roof en masse, they'd better get on with this.
Matt Lucas, who keeps saying his own name like he's afeared of forgetting it, is giving the young politician an earpiece, and telling him he must do absolutely everything he says. he must do everything Matt Lucas says. Everything that celebrity hijacker Matt Lucas says. Everything - if I was going to document this accurately, I would say that four thousand times - Matt Lucas from Little Britain ("I've not seen it, sorry", says John, winning my heart) says.
If he wins, he gets immunity to the final, and a big party for the housemates. If he fails, bad things happen. I missed what. Tigers get released into the house. Hungry tigers.
9.26: The second housemate - Calista: Is a classical musician. She plays the piano and violin, writes songs. We see her performing one of her more dancey tracks, the lyrics of which appear to be "I like to play my bongos in the morning". Is this a joke?
She's entering the house. Matt's telling him what to say. "I'm a musician too. I'm like shit-hot with a kazoo" they say to Calista. I just laughed, out loud. Oh no, what's happening to me?
9.29: After an odd conversation, in which John was made to try and convince Calista that he wrote The Sound Of Music, we meet Anthony, who is very talented and proud at hitting people, particularly in the face. No, it's alright, he's a boxer, so it's allowed.
No one, it must be said, is booing him. Well you wouldn't, would you? Not if you were standing in the front row.
"Let's see how he manages the stairs" says Dermot, weirdly, "Oh, like a true pro that was; no problem with the stairs at all". What?
9.32: Now in the house, Matt Lucas is getting John to tease the boxer. Mercilessly. This is surely some kind of incitement to violence. "Give him a really strong massage, John, tickle the back of his neck. Follow him, and hug him"
All the while, Anthony and Calista are trying to have a conversation like none of this is happening. Did I mention that John's been made to wear a tartan beret to hide the earpiece? Well he has.
I'm flinching, now. Something bad's going to happen, I can just feel it.
9.39: Oh. I see. They're NOT going to have to fit all the other housemates into this hour, because they're just going to bugger off to E4 and leave all the terrestrialists hanging. Not that the terrestrialists will care, because they're not going to be able to watch it anyway.
9.40: Emilia and VIctor are circus performers. They come from seven generations of circus family on rollerstakes. No, hang on, they're performers on skates, the family aren't. Or not all of them, not all the time. How would you continue the bloodline? It would be very hard.
I think Victor may have just said 'Sometimes I spin her so fast, blood comes out of her eyes' - although that may be a translation issue (they're from Birmingham)(via every circus in Europe, apparently).
Neither of they can get insurance apparently. Not the usual kind of thing an 18 year old worries about. But then normal 18-year-olds? Not so much blood coming out of the eyes.
9.45: IN the house, Matt Lucas, Celebrity Hijacker, is making John apologise again and again and again for something silly. It *was* funny, but now it isn't, and I'm feeling all worried. No time for that, though, here's a teenage racing driver.
9.47: Jeremy's a cock. Sorry, sorry, Jeremy is a public schoolboy and a racing driver and a self-confessed arrogant, competitive young man. And I'm not allowed to call him a cock, because yes, yes, this is the children's edition and I know you're not allowed to call children things like that, so I apologise. Does seem a *bit* like he might be a bit of a cock when he grows up, though.
9.50: I know that Matt Lucas is only making this poor young man look like a complete social incompetent and humiliating him for, hopefully less than forty minutes more, but I'm getting to the edge of not being able to watch it anymore. It's horrible. It's just mean.
Is this whole thing going to be like this, then? A different celebrity coming in every day and finding new ways to humiliate and upset young people? Nice. Well done C4. I bet the OFCOM apology's almost half written, and it's only 9.55pm.
9.55: "If he does win, there's a fabulous prize in store, so don't feel too sorry for him" says Matt Lucas. No, actually, I will, thanks. He's a target for bullying being set up as an even bigger target for bullying - if people form themselves against him early, it'll last, will it not?
9.57: Another contestant, Amy is a conceptual artist, who would like to use the experience as part of a conceptual art project. She thinks that people, on first meeting, find her quite annoying. Judging by the crowd reaction to her arriving - mainly booing, because that is what crowdmorons do - she may be right. she as the biggest boo of the night so far. She also looks quite a lot like Heather Mills McCartney. Coincidence?
10.00: Matt's telling John to do a cockney accent. He clearly can't. So John's been told to declare himself psychic - everyone's swapping looks. I can't bear it.
10.02: And that's it.
If you haven't got E4, that is, because in the middle of a thing about new housemate Nathan, who is a singer-songwriter from London. MOBO-nominated, apparently ... the Channel 4 transmission cut.
And I HAVE to carry on with the E4 show because not all the contestants are in yet. This is inhuman.
Matt is giving more instructions to John, but I can't hear them, as I have had to turn the sound off, as if it all gets any more mean I'm going to cry.
I don't like Matt Lucas. I think he's horrid.
10.06: New contestant! Liam is 19, an entrepreneur, and has stupendous eyebrows. His business, something web-design and web-hosty, apparently has a staff of at least 12, is international, and has a yearly turnover of £200,000.
£200,000? Is that all? I mean, I wouldn't sneeze at it, and I'm not saying I could do better, but that doesn't sound very much after outgoings and staff costs, does it? Does it? Am I being uncharitable?
Oh, no, he has a life coach and is already writing his autobiography. I feel a lot less uncharitable.
10.12: Sorry, I keep missing the movements from bit to bit because I am quite literally having to turn the sound down to stop the meanness. Why did they have to pick someone who might already be such an easy target to be the target of such humiliation on the first night? Surely one of the other little boys who have declared themselves to be competitive and willing to do anything to win might have worked?
Or perhaps, using one tack to begin with and then changing the joke, rather than it being a slow, repetitive grinding of one gag for an hour and a half? Call me crazy.
Oh, it's back on. How many more contestants? Two? No more than two, right?
10.17: The excpetionally confident Latoya is next. "I'm the next big thing, I'm the best, and exceptional" she says.
"The nice thing about Latoya" says her mate, "Is that she's really humble".
Oh really? When?
Anyway, she has a very nice smile, and is entering the house, and then JOhn's going to be made to say excrutiating things to her, and it's all just cringy. Not her, I mean, just 'It', you know? "It".
These things are no fun until you have a vague measure of who people are. Which, as yet, I don't - apart from Matt Lucas and the Big Brother producers who, weirdly, I do.
I don' know how John's still doing this. I would have given up and had a cry by now.
10.22: Another new contestant! How many more can there possibly be! Jay is a young designer, who makes women's clothes and sees no good reason to separate his teeth while talking. Ever. It's quite enthralling, actually. Just that. Just the teeth thing. The rest not so much. Fashion fashion fashion.
Perhaps he should have gone on Project Runway, or whatever it was called in this country. Much better show. Oh, no, hang on. "I'm a firm believer that fashion can change your life and I hope one day to be a catalyst in that system", he says. Um, alright.
10.27: Final housemate. Finally. This is Jade, a beauty queen from London, and she has a flip-top head.
10.29: Why are people booing? Because she's a beauty queen? Or because, so we hear, she joined Mensa aged four, and has four billion GCSEs? Or because people like booing? Or d) all of the above?
10.31: Matt's trying to get John to announce the task he's been doing, but of course no one's listening to him, because they've had to not listen to him all evening, because he's been acting like a tool.
Unable to gather the housemates, he is instructed to crawl to the diary room. Everyone is ignoring him.
Matt has to take over, and demands everyone sit on the sofas. They do, chattering away, like happy little over-achievers.
John's taken into the diary room, told that he won the task, and everyone can like him again now. And told:
"Having failed to get everyone in a circle, and having crawled on your knees to the diary room, your political career is probably over!!!" says Matt. "Thanks" says John, flat faced.
Hopefully he will win.
And now is it over? It is over.
10.39: So. What have we learnt?
1)Dermot has a nice coat, and, as H Factor pointed out in the comments, quite probably a brand new car tomorrow, the amount of times he said 'BMW' this evening. 2) That you can tweak the name, the concept and the execution, but there are only so many ways you can polish a turd - and at the end of the day, if it has all the trappings of Big Brother, and all the presenters of Big Brother, and it's in the Big Brother house, It's Just Big Brother. 3) The space shuttle now probably won't launch until the first week in February. 4) Playing Simon Says is only fun until someone loses an eye. Or someone turns a bit mean. 5) This series will surely be entirely dependent on the charm, or lack thereof, of the celebrity hijackers. If all they're going to be doing is trying to out-nasty each other, night after night, the contestants should, by all rights, all have left by next Monday. 6) If you pick on someone on the first night, they may just prove the eventual winner at the end...
... Depending on whether any one who switched on tonight is still bothering to watch it by then. But will we? Well, it's up to you. What do you think? SHOULD we?
(Pls say no. K thnx bai)
Thank you, and good night.
NEXT WEEK: Thursday 9pm again, but this time, it's drama. Not that that wasn't dramatic. No, hang on, it wasn't.
