"You know you're not going, right?"
How those words may come back to haunt Bex and Dale this evening. Inside the house, Jen has set herself up as queen bee, with her hordes of gallant gentlemen ready to defend her wounded honour at the slightest hint. Outside the house, however, she appears rather less popular, for a myriad of reasons, and on this day of totally predictable results (well, in the men's semi-finals at Wimbledon at any rate) another will follow before 10pm this evening.
And then, if that trauma wasn't enough for the insecure, needy, self-obsessed rabble inside the house, three new housemates will be thrown into the melee during the eviction show. It'll be another stormer. Good evening, all!
8.50pm - Everyone's still watching Celebrity Masterchef, aren't they?
8.57pm - Right, enough of Mick from Brookside and Claire from Steps and Andi Peters from the Broom Cupboard. The serious stuff starts now. Or in a couple of minutes after the ad break, anyway. Bets on what the hell Davina will be wearing tonight, anyone? Oh, and HanglemezPallaccini, I think that's probably a given. Not that Bex is an exhibitionist or anything.
9.01pm - Seriously, even though I've now seen it, I have NO IDEA what Davina is wearing. Is it a black mermaid costume? Or a wet binbag? Or tarmac?
9.02pm - Davina gives out the numbers. Jen is booed loudly.
9.05pm - Bex is in jail for talking about nominations. Rachel and Lisa think people will be stopped from nominating if they don't buck their ideas up soon. Luke is annoyed because Bex wet her bed with fishwater, but he thinks it is a shame that she is in jail, even though he agrees that people should be punished for committing crimes. He will try to keep her on the straight and narrow, "but it's no easy feat. I think Mother Teresa would have struggled, to be honest." The boy's got a point. 9.08pm - Rex is talking about Rachel's bowel movements. Do we really need to hear this? How ungentlemanly. Jen, Lisa, Mohamed, Mikey and Luke are putting together the Luxury Shopping List, and working out exactly how much alcohol they can buy. Kathreya is trying to explain the principles of Hinduism to Stuart. "What's nirvana? Is that Hindu?" he asks. "It's a band!" says Rachel, apparently entirely seriously. Just when I'd decided to like her, too.
9.11pm - Rex is claiming to be excited about leaving. Jen says she knows he won't be going, because she will be, in a blatant ploy of seeking reassurance. She's not going to get that from Rex, who says, "See ya, Jen. Bye!" She tries to smile, but she's not happy.
9.14pm - The Charlotte Church Show is back next Thursday!
9.15pm - "GET JEN OUT!"
9.17pm - Jen reckons she is not jealous enough to care if new girls go into the house after she's been evicted. She says she has put all her eggs into one basket. "Have you shite!" says Dale, who may not have extended his vocabulary as far as we had hoped, but he's certainly developed his perspicacity.
9.20pm - Darnell confesses to Kat that he doesn't like Mikey, and feels bad about it because he's blind. "I feel like I'm the prick who doesn't like the blind guy!" he wails. No comment. Stuart is reclining on a banquette, all barechested and eyelinered up, looking like a pretty little pixie. Out in the garden, Bex asks: "Is Jay-Z white? I thought Jay-Z was from the Backstreet Boys."
9.22pm - Bex shouts at Luke for not sitting by her side like a lapdog all day. Their relationship creeps me out a bit. Lisa and Mario are in the bath, as they have been for half an hour. Mario has exfoliating mitts on. They are bitching about Rachel, who only runs five miles three times a week, rather than every day, as she once said, and that is clearly a sign that she is a minion of Satan.
9.25pm - Kat asks Rex why he entered Big Brother, because he has family, friends, a career, money and someone to love. He doesn't know, and he doesn't want to be there any more. "There's no-one here like me...I feel like I'm losing myself. I talk to people about stuff I really don't care about," he complains. "I hate my own company as well. I've had enough of just thinking all the time." Kat looks appalled. "That's the worst thing, Rex, if you don't love yourself. You are a loveable person." Rex says he is much nastier than people realise. Kat is upset. I'm beginning to think that she actually is as sweet as she seems. 9.30pm - "The glitterball of fate hovers over the dance-floor of destiny," muses Davina, or the autocue from which Davina is reading.
9.32pm - Bex has been in the jail for over seven hours. If I were in charge, I'd keep her in there for the next six weeks, just for a laugh. Jen is pretending that she thinks she's going to leave, because Rex is so very, very entertaining. Dale is trying to front it out, saying he has plenty of friends in the house, but he would hate it if Jen went. Discussing the male:female ratio in the house, Mario declares, "Lisa is took for, Kathreya's got a fella, Bex is Bex." Ha!
9.35pm - The housemates get their shopping delivery, and proceed to eat bowls and bowls of cereal, while Bex whines in the garden, hitting the walls in a tantrumy fashion. Kat does a little cheer for the Thai curry sauce.
9.37pm - Dale: "If she goes, she won't be here any more." Aw, the extra brain cells appear to have worn off. Luke cannot believe that the outside world will hate Jen more than they hate Rex. Oh, the denouement will be magnificent. Bex is still wailing in the jail cell. Everyone is ignoring her. She is kicking the walls, complaining of being cold, and screeching that she wants to go home. Tragically, nobody cares.
9.40pm - Luke tells Bex off for her wanton vandalism, which has included breaking a mirror in the cell. Kat has taken her a duvet. Awww! Bex is called to the diary room, and she curls up in the chair weeping. "No-one's listening to me!" she cries. She explains that she broke the mirror because she was cold. What a genius leap of logic.
9.41pm - The lines have closed, and Davina will be going to get Jen (or Rex) after the break. Hermionegingold - you really think Kat is that good an actress (manamana)? Oh, and Bex is ONLY A SIZE 12. She showed Luke the label in her jeans!
9.44pm - EW JIMMY CARR EW EW.
9.47pm - Bex is wandering around in some kind of black lycra top contraption and pink knickers, telling Luke that "they've broke me and you're horrible". I thought she was teasing before, but she actually seems like she's serious - "I'd rather sleep in a smelly, fishy bed than sleep next to you." After hours of her sulking, she suddenly perks up when Big Brother plays Hanson's Mmmbop, apparently her favourite song, and she dances on the dining table, singing along. That table is taking some serious punishment and I'm getting flashbacks to when Alison broke the garden bench all those years ago. Darnell looks utterly bewildered. Jen and Rex do some bizarre bonding - "We're the most two hated people in the house!"
9.50pm - Kat is taking sheer joy in Bex and Luke's relationship by squealing in the diary room. Hermione, watch THAT and tell me she's not genuine.
9.51pm - Bex's breasts are on the loose. Repeat, Bex's breasts are on the loose! She is drenched and chasing Luke round the house in see-through underwear. Kind of Benny Hill in reverse. "No, Rebecca! No! We're not talking to each other! I prefer it this way!" All in vain. Bex will not be deterred.
9.54pm - Jen reckons she is going to be evicted through no fault of her own, but because she was friends with a group of people who bitched about other people, and she was often in the same room when they did the bitching.
9.55pm - Big Brother house, THIS IS DAVINA! They pretend they can't hear her. What a classic jape! Anyway, Davina doesn't bother trying to build up tension, because she knows what we all know - Jen is the third person evicted.
9.57pm - "Not since the suffragette movement began almost a century ago has one woman stood up for her beliefs so much. She is only telling it like it is," says Davina, and really I can't begin to parse exactly how insulting that is, even though it's so obviously a joke. Anyway, I have to switch over quickly for Carr-avoidance reasons, but I will, of course, be back with Channel 4 at 10.35pm for Jen's eviction, more stellar journalism from Davina, and the three new housemates.
10.00pm - Friday night television doesn't have a whole host of options available for people who don't want to watch 8 Out Of 10 Cats. The Vicar of Dibley on UKGold? America's Got Talent on ITV2?
10.25pm - Ooh. Darts. Phil Taylor's just beaten Dennis Priestley 8-4.
10.32pm - Right, all, hope you've got a cup of tea and some biscuits, we've got another 50-minute stint coming up. Jimmy Carr is safely off our screens for another week, and now Jen is going to be ripped to shreds by the Elstree bandits. 10.37pm - Davina made a joke that almost made me smile! "You decided you wanted to give Jen the old heave-ho. You wouldn't do that to Monet, would you?"
10.38pm - How did Jen take the news? Well, I'm guessing it was with grace, dignity and fortitude. And I expect her behaviour was mirrored by Bex.
10.40pm - "Over 50 per cent of people obviously wanted me out," Jen says. "Nice feeling." Her heavily-glossed bottom lip is wobbling.
10.41pm - Jen says her goodbyes and heads up the stairs, out of the house and into the world and into a howling pit. She looks like she's going to cry, but forces on a smile, and suddenly looks very, very young indeed.
10.46pm - Jen is safely in the studio with Davina now. "I don't feel anything. I wasn't expecting to come here and be loved or hated," she says. She seems genuinely bewildered as to why people would make the effort to stand in a Hertfordshire car park with homemade banners on a Friday night simply to boo her. You and me both, my dear.
10.49pm - Davina asks Jen to guess who nominated her, and then we see the footage - Rex, Lisa, Mo, Kat, Darnell, Rachel. Jen is gobsmacked that Mo thinks she doesn't like him. Does she not remember last week? Then she talks about Mo's flatulence - "they were really wet ones." Ugh.
10.52pm - "I didn't come here to gameplay, and I didn't come here to slag people off either," says the Jen of four weeks ago. Cue a montage of Jen slagging people off from dawn till dusk every day, in her desperate crusade to Keep It Real. Davina asks her what was wrong with Rachel and Kat, and her response is that "there was no negativity in anything...it seemed false." Davina tells her, "They really are like that. They never say anything nasty about anyone." Jen does not comprehend, and attempts to pin the accusation of "falseness" on them again.
10.53pm - Newsflash! Jen thinks she may have overreacted about the painting last week.
10.55pm - Tedious montage of pseudo-love triangle.
10.56pm - Davina tries to force Jen to say that she loves Dale. "Do you? Do you?" Jen says that 'love' is a strong word. "Do you like him a lot, enough to go out with him, though, do you, do you?" Jen concurs. Davina does a little dance, and presses Dale's case, a bit like the matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof.
10.58pm - Davina has lost her train of thought with the excitement of a possible romance, and then starts to gabble about how much she hates Bex. Jen thinks "she's brilliant". Jen is wrong.
11pm - Jen wants Luke to win. Her reasons for this are unclear, but mostly because he makes her laugh, I think.
11.01pm - Tedious montage of Jen's "best bits", which centre mostly around groping Dale and/or Stuart, crying, complaining, and wearing skimpy undergarments.
11.02pm - The three new HOT! SINGLE! FEMALE! housemates are going in after the break!
11.06pm - "How many times do you get mistaken for Angelina Jolie?" says the off-camera voice. "Not every day," says Sara. That is because she doesn't really look like her. She has dark hair and plump lips, though. She is Australian, and thinks she is difficult to live with. She was a bad girl as a teenager, but is better these days, though she is not "sweet as pie". Goodness. She rides up to the house on a motorbike, wearing a black vest, denim shorts, and black footless tights. Davina tells us that Sara says she would sleep with someone for a million pounds, and has never been in love.
11.10pm - Sara opens the door to the house, and Bex promptly throws herself at her. Dale looks like something in his brain has shortcircuited.
11.12pm - Maysoon wants to go in the house to prove that models can be clever and beautiful. "A lot of girls say they are models, but I get paid to model. I don't do this for free," she says. She has been in music videos with Ludacris and Sean Paul, and believes you have to live life in the fast lane. The Elstree herd have taken against her already and boo her into the house.
11.14pm - Darnell's mouth drops open and Stuart narrows his beautifully made-up eyes as Maysoon joins the housemates.
11.16pm - Belinda was brought up in Africa and lived a life of luxury where she played with lions. No, really. Now she's a theatre director, and seems to talk at a million miles an hour in typical theatrical style, darlings. She doesn't come across as objectionable, though her dress is awful, with some meringue-style confection as a skirt. I can imagine she might be irritating to live with, though.
11.17pm - For some reason, Belinda narrates her journey down the staircase.
11.18pm - Bex flaps and claims Belinda as her new friend. Lisa introduces herself, and Belinda says something about wanting to marry her if she were a lesbian. Then she meets Mario, and Belinda says what we've all been thinking - "You're like a cross between Sylvester Stallone and JOEY!"
11.20pm - Belinda is still wandering round hugging everyone and repeating their names three times like it's some kind of witch's curse. Stuart pretends that he and Dale are a couple. Dale is still staring into space blankly. Sadly, that's all the time Channel 4 have for us this evening, and that's all I have to tell you about this evening. How long will the new girls last? Will Bex ever make it through 24 hours without exposing herself? And will a man EVER get evicted? Join us next week!
