For those of us accustomed to counting on our fingers, it's difficult to keep track of how many people are actually in the Big Brother house at any one time, what with new housemates, "prison" sentences, and ejections - Alex last week, and Dennis today. Sorry if that's spoiled the drama of the show for you.
With all that going on, it's easy to forget that evictions are supposed to be the mechanism by which the numbers are whittled down - only Stephanie has been voted out so far, but either Sylvia or Mohamed will be joining her later, and being put through the Davina purgatory. Join me from 8.45pm to follow the action.
8.45pm - So good evening, one and all. My fingers are primed ready to log what appears to have been a chaotic last 24 hours in the Big Brother house, and indeed they are greatly anticipating Davina's attempts to gloss over it all.
8.55pm - After a bizarre trailer for next week's A Place In The Sun, featuring Cheryl Baker and the entire Bucks Fizz back catalogue, Davina looks gleeful as she announces, "Your baying mob has arrived!" Excellent work - something for us all to be proud of, I think. The crowd whoop, and Davina tells us they'll all be back after the break. Um - is it wrong that I am actually a little bit excited about this?
9.00pm - Strong language warning! Goodness! Who'd have thought? Davina is wearing some kind of Carrie-Anne Moss coat, it appears, and possibly nothing else, apart from her black stilettos. She dubs Sylvia a "bunny boiler", Mohamed a "human dustbin", and discusses Stuart's "orgasmic eyelashes". As soon as she mentions Sylvia, a huge chant of "GET SYLVIA OUT" emerges from the sheep gathered in Elstree. And, unsurprisingly, when she mentions Dennis's ejection, they bleat boos.
9.05pm - Why do Mario and Luke keep talking about "the press" and "the media" and "airtime"? Are they genuinely suggesting people go into the Big Brother house for reasons other than wanting to participate in a valuable social experiment? Dennis and Darnell are released from jail. Except Dennis decides he doesn't want to leave the prison because he likes it there better. He doesn't mean it, obviously; he thinks it's been "a living hell" and "traumatic" but it's made him realise that Big Brother is not to be messed with. Oh, the irony.
9.09pm - Jen, Lisa and Mikey are attempting to marshal the troops and sort the shopping list out. It seems to be a cacophony of noise, but Jen does appear to have done some good amanuesis work. Luke's in the diary room talking about his nominations, and he says he wants Mohamed to go because he drank three glasses of Coca-Cola. No, really. The thinking seems to be that if Mohamed drinks alcohol, he should drink it all the time, thus conserving the soft drinks for the teetotallers.
Time for a break. Just as well, the inanity was about to make my eyes bleed already.
9.12pm - Davina welcomes us back and tells us that earlier today, Dennis was removed from the house. BOOOOOOOOO! GET SYLVIA OUT! Anyway, we're not going to see any of the saliva-porn yet.
9.16pm - The housemates bought ten of "Big Brother's Ever-Changing Special Prizes" this week with their increased shopping budget, and they're very excited indeed. Luke cries, "Ladies! Look at the hair products!" Because obviously none of the chaps in there would be interested in beautifying themselves. Dennis falls on the fake tan with glee. Kat is upset that there are no cookies. "I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't need a toiletry product...I just want two piece of cookie with cup of tea to dip it and drink it nicely...to get my cookie power back." She's having a laugh, isn't she?
9.19pm - The housemates are fully loaded on cider, it seems. Darnell and Bex are wittering at each other incoherently, but then he manages to tell her that he likes her. Awwww. He gets all embarrassed and hides. Dale and Jen are talking, and then Rex indulges in a bit of art criticism, analysing Jen's picture of Stuart, but he also adds paint and pizza-ey fingerprints to make it better. Jen gets her Cheryl Tweedy on and storms off. I don't think it's a spoiler to reveal that this is the catalyst for Dennis's spitty-fit. And I'm sure you won't be surprised to know that we're going to another break before we get to see the footage.
9.24pm - Back to Big Brother, "with strong language and heated arguments"! Davina screeches at us in order to "hail the all-powerful viewer". I hate that she finds herself so very, very amusing.
Anyway, back to the action. Jen is crying about Rex's desecration of her art, calling it "evil", and blubbing on Dennis's shoulder. Rex goes to apologise, but the fact that he is chuckling at her distress doesn't really do much to ameliorate the situation. "[Because the task was over] doesn't mean you can put your fingermarks all over it. You wouldn't be able to do that in an art gallery," she weeps. HAHAHA! Rachel and Kat try to smooth it over by telling Jen that Rex didn't mean it, he'd been on the booze, he is genuinely sorry, and that she should talk to him in the morning. And then Dale decides he needs to avenge Jen's wounded honour, and storms off to tell Rex to apologise to her. Stirring little so-and-so. And obviously Jen's tears begin to flow again.
Luke, of course, is drawn to drama and bitching like a moth to a flame, and he's all "he put PIZZA on your picture?" Rex has gone to bed, which is probably sensible, and Mo tells him that Jen is attention-seeking. Ouch.
9.31pm - I really cannot believe that these people actually manage to get through everyday life. 9.34pm - Rex tries to apologise again. Jen is ungracious. Dale rejects his apology on Jen's behalf, and tells him to go away. Then they all start shouting, Dennis repeatedly yells, "Fuck off!" in Mohamed's face, and then spits at him. The room goes silent, Big Brother calls Dennis to the diary room, and sends Mohamed and Rex to the other bedroom.
Bloody hell, this is actually quite dramatic. Mohamed is upset - properly, genuinely, crying upset, not silly fake girly Jen tears - because of course Dennis has just spat in his face, and also Dennis is apparently accusing him of being homophobic. Dennis is waiting outside the diary room camping it up in Mo's direction.
9.40pm - Mario tries to take control of the situation, and he does this through the medium of muttering, "It's out of order." Darnell goes into the luxury bedroom to shout at Bex and the others for thinking that spitting in people's faces is acceptable behaviour. He then tries to fight - um, not sure, maybe Dale or Stuart? Or both? The voice of Big Brother tells Darnell to get himself back to the other bedroom. Dale goes with him, and then they start arguing again, with Dale yelling at Mohamed for "squaring up to a fucking girl". The voice of Big Brother tells Dale to get back to the luxury bedroom. What a thankless job that must be. Mohamed cries again. 9.43pm - Jen is complaining about other people getting involved in her argument with Rex. Well, if you hadn't been bleedin' whinging about it to all and sundry, perhaps it wouldn't have happened.
And breathe. Time for a break. I don't know about you, but I know next time an editor changes a sentence or two in one of my articles, I'll be going into his or her office and weeping at them for ruining my carefully-crafted art. I will also be accosting random passers-by to tell them of this immense violation, and possibly pursuing my complaint to the European Court of Human Rights.
9.47pm - "GET SYLVIA OUT!"
9.50pm - Dennis is still in the diary room. Big Brother asks him to explain what happened in the luxury bedroom. Oh, blimey O'Reilly, he's been crying too. He complains about Rex's smug face, about him having his friend there to back him up, about "a girl breaking her heart". He says that the Bad People will be judged by "the Big Man" (I'm assuming he means God, not, like, a giant), and the Good People, like him, know that everything will be good in their lives for ever ZOMG. Interestingly, he says that he responded to Mohamed's aggression to Dale, not for "squaring up to a girl", and he also claims that "nothing came out" when he spat. He goes back to the luxury bedroom, and Jen frets about him getting kicked out, and asks if Darnell and Rex will be thrown out as well. She's a sap, isn't she?
9.52pm - Mohamed is in the diary room. While he's in there, Dennis talks to his posse about spitting in Mohamed's face, without the provisos he mentioned to Big Brother. Do these people forget that there are cameras and microphones there all the time?
9.53pm - EW. Darnell says that he thought Bex would "put out" tonight. EW.
9.54pm - We see what happened when Dennis was summoned to the diary room to be ejected from the house. Big Brother gives him a recap of the rules, which included warnings about violence and aggression, of course. Dennis claims to regret the incident. Tough luck, you're out. Dennis says he is sorry again, and feels he's let himself down.
Back to Davina, doing big soulful eyes because of the gravity of the situation. But hey-ho, there's an eviction to be getting on with, and the second person to be leaving through the normal channel is, unsurprisingly, Sylvia. Teenage girls and Elstree-bothering mad people across the country cheer. Sylvia reacts as if she has been afflicted by the death of a close family member. Mohamed and Rex smile secretly and hug surreptitiously. Luke whines on about her being "a strong woman", just to tick the Big Brother cliche boxes a bit more.
I must switch over quickly for I cannot bear to watch Jimmy Carr. Hang on. Right, that's better. So, people, any ideas as to what Davina's opening gambit to Sylvia will be? I'm going for something hair-related. Although I'm told Sylvia's reaction to the news that Dennis had been ejected is worth waiting for, so maybe she'll kick off with that.
Incidentally, I'm watching America's Got Talent, until the smug moon-faced one is safely away from my television screen, and the Hoff has just quit and come back again, and an old couple are eating fire and belly-dancing, and there's a little girl singing LeAnn Rimes's How Do I Live in a variety of keys. It's certainly filled me with enthusiasm for the swiftly-approaching new series of The X-Factor. I wonder what Cheryl Tweedy would have to say about the behaviour of her doppelganger in the Big Brother house.
10.30pm - Has he gone yet?
10.32pm - Phew. Safe. And Verne Troyer is advertising World of Warcraft! The world is a truly strange and wonderful place. 10.36pm - The voiceover man is realistic about Sylvia's chances of lasting celebrity, announcing that she's about to begin her 15 minutes. The Elstree mob are chanting, but I don't think it's "GET SYLVIA OUT" any more - anybody with better hearing than me?
Back to the moment when Sylvia's eviction was announced, despite the fact we saw it three-quarters of an hour ago. We have not, however, seen her amazingly inspirational speech to her housemates, telling them that it has been "amazing" and "a pleasure" and they should "enjoy" the rest of their time in there. I don't really think that I'd have enjoyed spending the past 21 days in the Big Brother house, but there's no accounting for taste.
10.40pm - Davina is GOING TO GET SYLVIA! Poor Sylvia. This is going to be awful for her.
10.41pm - BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Davina smirks. Sylvia puts a brave face on it, with poses and kisses. "She's getting booed like mad," opines Davina, "but she's loving the press attention." Duh. She grabs the newly-evicted Sylvia's wrist, drags her away from the flashlights, and it's time for a break again.
I'll admit, I love my reality TV, and I'm quite partial to passing judgement on contestants in the various competitions, but I'd never go and stand around for hours just for the opportunity of booing at them in public, and watching it makes me feel dirty and uncomfortable. In bad ways.
10.45pm - Sylvia's safely back in the studio. But she's still getting booed by a little cluster of bystanders. Davina asks her how the crowd's awful reaction affected her. Sylvia says it wasn't nice but she tried to enjoy her moment, and then lists all the housemates she thinks might have nominated her. Her jaw drops open when she sees Luke doing his backstabbing bit. I think I'd have been more surprised at Mario criticising someone else for looking in mirrors.
Sylvia seems quite upset that Luke and Darnell aren't really her friends, but she's not bothered about the rest of them, which is fair enough. She is sad that she didn't "get" Mohamed, but she didn't fancy him though he fancied her; and then she's utterly humiliated by a montage of her harassing Stuart. "I can't believe I did all that!" she exclaims, and claims to have lost her mind with lust. Heh. Davina reminds her that she's got a boyfriend, and Sylvia is genuinely surprised to have her memory jogged.
Just as Sylvia begins to talk quite interestingly about what life is like in the house with regard to sexual tension, Davina moves her on quickly to talk about Jen and Stuart and Dale and Dale's shirtlessness. Sigh.
Ooh, now the good stuff. Sylvia says that she and Jen were devastated at Dennis's removal from the house, because he lifted everyone's spirits. Well, not Rex or Mo, but everyone else. Thankfully, Sylvia understands why he had to go. Davina wants to know why the bitchy clique hate Rex and Mo. Sylvia says she doesn't hate them, but she certainly doesn't like living with Rex, because he is annoying and controlling, and Mo sleeps, eats, farts and goes to the toilet. See, away from the rest of them, Sylvia comes across as a nice lady. And she looks very pretty.
She summarises her time in the house as "fantastic - I would not change anything", and wants Dale to win. Pah. She quickly changes her vote to Kat when the studio audience's mood changes, but then explains that Dale is lovely and doesn't ever do anything wrong, so that is why she's backing him. Wonder if she'll change her mind if she watches any of the footage back. Montage of Sylvia's best bits to the tune of Alesha's Lipstick, the audience applaud because they've decided they like her now, and Davina bids us farewell.
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? What will we have next week - bloodshed, arson, poisoning? Nothing would surprise me now. Thanks for your company tonight, and have a lovely weekend. Night-night!
