Reality bites ... the original BB8 contestants
British summertime officially ends tonight with the finale of Big Brother. Even the wettest July in history, forcing people indoors, couldn't save the show recording its worst viewing figures since its inception. It's hung around like a bad smell all summer and has been a bigger washout than your thrice-cancelled July barbecue extravaganza. Nonetheless, it has had its moments and a top 10 of them would look a little something like this:
"There's a new music that's taking over our country," said the outrageously pretty Emily, "and it's called indie." The declaration caused a panic on the scale of Orson Welles's War of the Worlds broadcast. Dopey posh boys with guitars were venerated nationwide and new prime minister Gordon Brown declared, "I, for one, welcome our new indie overlords." During the indie terror most people missed Emily's "Isn't it about time you put some intelligent women on the show?" comment. Probably just as well.
After using a racially offensive term, Charley helpfully assured Emily that she wasn't offended and that it was "no big deal". The producers begged to differ and threw the blonde out of the house. Emily spent a whole two weeks out of the limelight before appearing in her bra and pants in Nuts magazine. That girl just oozes class.
An avalanche of cute, an ecstasy of twee. If you didn't love the twins during their telepathic test then you're one sick hombre, papi. And the same applies to:
Where more sophisticated comedy fails, sometimes a daft lass in a comedy suit will come up trumps.
5. Halfway House
The impenetrable, seemingly endless and spellbindingly pointless halfway house served as a cautionary tale to over-excited producers as they indulged in a kind of twist pornography. As stupid an initiative as BB has produced, it nonetheless gave us:
The insane, cackling one-man puppet show that was Jonty's first night in the halfway house introduced us to Monkety Tunkety and gave us further insight into the rigorous psychological vetting all housemates undergo.
Chanelle cuts through centuries of philosophy of the self to deliver a pointed response to Big Brother's existential probing.
8. Shanessa's lapdance
In one of the less welcome flirtatious moments in BB history, the woman who bore an alarming resemblance to Lynne Perrie entering a Mary Doll Nesbitt lookalike contest, lap danced for a bemused Brian and Liam as the nation queasily watched on.
9. Charley's re-entry: "They like me out there"
Part delusion, part bare-faced lie, Charley's assertion that she was the new Princess Diana gave the housemates something to chew over in the frankly very silly fake week.
Big Brother's fake housemate-twist had potential but floundered on the arbitrary decision to give an Australian identity to an English actress who knew nothing about Australia and couldn't do the accent. It was so very nearly the magic at last.
With an entire summertime to choose from, there have got to be more moments I've missed. Let me know what you've got.
