Age: 31.
Appearance: Uncannily similar to Beyoncé.
You mean the Beyoncé? Are there other Beyoncés?
I don't know. I mean the one who sings while walking like an ostrich. Good. I mean that Beyoncé too.
And you're telling me that there's a physically identical person called Mrs Carter? She could make a fortune doing lookalikes on the conference circuit. She could, if there was such a person. But what I'm actually telling you is that Beyoncé is calling herself Mrs Carter for a new world tour.
How eccentric. Well, there is a reason for it. Her real name is Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, you see, following her marriage to the rapper Jay-Z.
Doesn't that make her Mrs-Z or something? No. Because his real name is Shawn Carter.
This is terribly confusing. Look, it's quite simple, really. Mainstream entertainers often reinvent themselves to keep audiences interested. Beyoncé has already passed through her "Sasha Fierce" phase, which was characterised by glamour and assertiveness.
I see. And this, perhaps, is a reference to her new sense of domesticity following the birth last January of her daughter Blue.
A reference to her domesticity? On a world tour? Maybe an ironic reference.
So should we now expect her to start pureeing carrots on stage and singing about nap routines? I don't think we should. Publicity photographs for the tour show her dressed in a kind of Louis XIV bathing costume.
Not very practical daywear. No. And her Superbowl performance on Sunday was a leather extravaganza.
Yes, I saw that. Perhaps the finest piece of ostrich-walking at a sporting event in recent memory. Indeed. And she needed it after that lip-syncing fiasco at President Obama's inauguration.
It's the size of the microphone that gives it away. I know.
So Beyonce's distinctive brand of emancipated femininity is safe for now, is it? If by that you mean dancing in high heels while singing about wanting a wedding ring, then yes it is.
Do say: "Surely she is already one of the 21st-century's greatest entertainers."
Don't say: "Surely she is already one of PepsiCo Incorporated's greatest-ever salespeople."
