In October last year, a bunch of fearless freedom fighters voluntarily sacrificed 12 entire hours of their internet time — but not before changing their DPs — as a mark of solidarity for the internet blackout in Kashmir while I, uncaring **** that I am, spent much of that time Googling Kangana Ranaut’s quotes on patriotism.
The activists were bruised and battered, but, by god, they emerged triumphant from this gruelling, life-threatening ordeal that lasted for a nail-biting, spine-chilling, blood-curdling 43,200 seconds.
After sipping on tender coconut water and chilled watermelon juice (add gin or vodka to taste) to regain some of their depleted spirit, and being rewarded for their bravery with hundreds of heart emojis from other fearless friends, these warriors went back to the business at hand: responding with heart emojis on the selfies of fellow activists, spreading brotherly love, and basically showing us how it was done. Without ever leaving home.
What an eye-opener it was for a low fool like me. Here I was thinking satyagrahas were for Mahatmas, and my friends proved that to perform a new-age one, you could be a perfectly ordinary atma, didn’t have to leave home and, heck, you didn’t even need the principle ingredients: satya or agraha. All you needed was a phone. And a DP.
Today, the same lionhearted folks are back. They keep coming back despite the wounds, scars and PTSD because that’s how committed and selfless they are.
But for the current cause, take my word, they have pulled out all the stops.
Watch out, Patriarchy! Your days are numbered. My fiery friends are here, armed with the lethal ‘Let’s Smash Patriarchy’ T-shirts that they’ll sucker-punch you with in the solar plexus, and as you are wondering what hit you, finish you off with a (drum-roll) ‘Let’s Smash Patriarchy’ DP.
The way things are going, rumour has it that Patriarchy could soon ask for Y+ category security because it fears the T-shirts and the DPs could not just demolish its headquarters, but put its very life in danger.
What a massive booster-shot in the arm this must be for the women who have been fighting Patriarchy for centuries, no? As they board trains and buses — or are trudging barefoot — to schools, colleges, computer classes, hospitals, factories, shops, beauty parlours and upper-middle class households, to study, to work, to survive, they now go with the reassuring thought that Patriarchy’s achhe din are ending. Because the ever-vigilant wives, girlfriends, sisters and mothers of the principal practitioners of Patriarchy have changed their DPs, dammit. From their previous ones, taken in Paris or Panruti. And dumb, arrogant Patriarchy didn’t see it coming, LOL. The sheer suddenness of the move, the unexpected nature of the move, the unpredictability of the move.
I want to take this opportunity to thank these stoic souls who have given up this sacred space, the little virtual circle or square reserved for their own beauteous faces, repeatedly, to put their formidable social media influence behind such a range of causes as I Am Charlie Hebdo, #MeToo, I Oppose CAB, Black Lives Matter, etc. By bunging in appropriate ready-made JPEGs downloaded from the internet on that all-powerful pedestal.
How are these valorous folks one bit inferior to the thali clangers, the diya lighters, the pumpkin-breakers, the chilli-and-lemon garlanders and the Go-Corona-Go chanters, tell me?
India is safe in their hands, my friends. Let’s you and I relax. Because, if an all-powerful neighbour were to attack us tomorrow, we can rest assured that my friends will annihilate them with their DPs.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
