FOOTBALL IS A SIMPLE GAME. 22 PLAYERS CHASE A BALL FOR 90 MINUTES AND, AT THE END, SAKHO AND LOVREN WIN IT
Jürgen Klopp evoked memories of Istanbul when Liverpool were staring an exit from Big Vase in the face against German chokers Borussia Dortmund. And there’s nothing wrong with that. With Liverpool two down and trailing 3-1 on aggregate at half-time of their quarter-final second leg, at which point it looked like they were heading towards a gentleman’s 24-0 defeat, it would not have made much sense for Klopp to start banging on about Djinkin’ Djimi Traoré’s tapdancing masterclass at Burnley in 2005 or that Paul Konchesky shot against Everton in 2010 or valiantly losing on penalties to Northampton Town under Mr Roy or when King Brenny used a team-talk to confuse his players with an envelope-based riddle.
With Klopp bouncing up and down on the touchline like a kangaroo on speed, it was a night of ferocious passion, emotion and drama at Anfield, a hectic match played in a crackling atmosphere, with inept defending, brilliant attacking, twists, turns and plenty of surprises. Who knew, for instance, that the maligned pair of Mamadou Mellor and Dejan Sinama Pongolle would turn out to be better strikers than Christian Benteke? Specialist chokers Dortmund, who were on the verge of moving into David Cameron’s childhood home on Easy Street when they led 2-0 and then 3-1 on the night, were certainly caught cold despite the presence of World Cup winner Mats “Matts” Hummels in their defence. Roared on by a feverish crowd, Liverpool charged back into the game thanks to goals from Divock Origi, Philippe Coutinho and Sakho, before Lovren ya-beautied the winner in stoppage-time.
Energised by Klopp, there’ll be no stopping Liverpool now. There’s no chance they’ll, er, let this one slip. After all, they’ve been drawn against Spanish no-hopers Villarreal in the last four and they share half a name with Aston Villa, the worst side of all time, so what more do you need to know? They’ve even got Roberto Soldado up front and, get this, hold on a moment, The Fiver’s just going to do a bit more research … fourth in La Liga … already knocked out Napoli and Bayer Leverkusen … beaten both Madrid sides at home … fought back from two goals down to draw with Barcelona … second leg on the two-year birthday of Liverpool letting a 3-0 lead slip against Crystal Palace … Oh. The Fiver might have got a bit swept away in all the excitement there.
Speaking of English sides who are about to get their backsides handed to them by Spanish opposition, it was also the draw for Big Cup on Friday. Manchester City’s reward for ending the Zlatan Myth once and for all is a tie with Real Madrid and though Sergio Agüero will fancy his chances of making Pepe and Sergio Ramos look very silly indeed, Manuel Pellegrini’s dogs of war play the second leg at the Bernabéu and have to find a way to stop Him, Gareth Bale and Karim Benzema, a trio lovingly referred to as the BBH by internet youths. In the other tie, Atlético Madrid will have three men sent off in both legs and beat Bayern Munich 1-0 on penalties, causing Pep Guardiola to have a meltdown which will culminate with him making Jamie Pollock, Jeff Whitley and Richard Edghill his first signings at City.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This is a serious case, highlighted by blatant dishonesty and a clear contempt by the offender. Burnett knowingly lied in order to benefit himself and the public interest demanded that proceedings be taken forward” – Solicitor General Robert Buckland on Northwich Victoria’s Gary Burnett, who has been given a four-month suspended jail sentence for lying about whiplash-knack, which he claimed had ruled him out for four weeks in 2013. Burnett’s tweets about playing soon after the incident had alerted motor insurers.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: West Ham’s stadium deal (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). I don’t know why people are so surprised that our board has been able to negotiate such a good deal. I mean, £50,000 a week for a large immobile asset to be involved in a football match up to 25 times a year? This from the club that has signed Mido and Benny McCarthy in recent seas … ah” – Ian Sargeant.
“It’s a footballing cliche that everyone is entitled to an opinion, but it may be time to revise this noble and liberal stance. If so, can I suggest the keyboard confiscations might start in Sunderland? There, the local paper has given space this week to the musings of fan Chris Smith. After taking to task the tactics of Sam Allardyce in last Sunday’s defeat to Leicester, he offers this observation: ‘I did not want to be just another team that falls under the wheels of the juggernaut that is Leicester City, as I personally think that we have a better team than they do.’ As a Leicester fan myself, I cannot claim to be independent, but I would draw Mr Smith’s attention to the little matter of a 45-point gap – though admittedly that could be down to a mere 30 by the end of the season – when pigs will surely fly over the Stadium of Light in celebration” – Andrew Smith.
“You say that the new red-card rules will enable picky refs to give ‘Lee Cattermole his marching orders just for thinking about what he’s going to do to Oscar’ (yesterday’s Fiver). Which particular Championship club do you think the aforementioned Brazilian international will be playing for next season?” – Martyn Wilson.
“While I applaud the effort, I believe Mary Roberts (yesterday’s Fiver letters) is simply describing a disappointing locker room, rather than a disappointed locker room. Although with all the hipsters railing against corporate stadiums, perhaps such a locker room would actually be a pleasant reminder of the days before $$$” – Dan Engoren.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ian Sargeant.
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BITS AND BOBS
Bastian Schweinsteiger’s knee-knack means he is unlikely to play again for Manchester United this season. “I don’t think Schweinsteiger shall play this season – I think, next season, he is prepared,” trumpeted Louis van Gaal, a trifle optimistically.
Arsène Wenger has got the funk on because the Professional Game Match Officials Ltd had the temerity to stand Leicester fan Kevin Friend down from refereeing Stoke against Tottenham. “I’m completely against that decision … Social media shouldn’t dictate the rules,” parped Wenger, somewhat optimistically.
Fans are planning a march around Leeds city centre in protest against owner Massimo Cellino before Saturday’s home game with Reading. “This Saturday, [Reading manager] Brian McDermott will return to our club to discover that [Nasty] Leeds United very much remains the circus that he left behind,” sighed a statement from fans’ group Time To Go Massimo.
Gareth McAuley and Jonas Olsson have both extended their West Brom contracts until 2017. “The time Jonas has been here has been fantastic and I’ve really enjoyed the time I’ve had with him and with the club,” swooned McAuley.
Like David Seaman facing a free-kick on the edge of the box, Southampton’s chairman, Ralph Krueger will not stand in Ronald Koeman’s way, should he want to leave.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn reports that the Football League is coming under pressure from its clubs to conclude its investigation into a 2014 marketing deal entered into by Leicester City.
And Pope’s Newc O’Rangers defender Danny Wilson is pumped for their Scottish Cup semi against the Queen’s Celtic. “We won two trophies last week and played in front of 90,000-plus fans. Are the good times back? I hope so,” he warbled.
STILL WANT MORE?
A belting Joy of Six on player-managers, featuring Bryan Robson in some quite ludicrious garb and Attilio Lombardo’s train wreck at Crystal Palace.
“The last two World Cup finals were won with extra-time goals created not by hoofing it up to some great elbow-jabbing goal-zeppelin” – Barney Ronay hits top gear in explaining why Mr Roy must disregard That Option and leave Andy Carroll at home.
Atlético v Bayern, Pep v Diego, the great creator v the defensive master … Jonathan Wilson gets all hot under the collar about a Big Cup semi for the ages.
Want to know how West Ham pulled off the deal of the century to secure the Olympic Stadium? Want no more.
Gary Johnson maps out Cheltenham Town’s clear course to promotion back to the Football League to Barry Glendenning.
Things to look forward to in the Premier League this weekend, 10 of them.
And this week’s You Are the Ref features Middlesbrough’s manager Aitor Karanka.
Our USA! USA!! USA!!! comrades look ahead to the new NWSL season.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
