Every Christmas bears the same hallmarks, year in, year out. There are advent calendars, there are mountains of mince pies, there is panic-buying smaller gifts to make sure stockings are bulging at the seams come December 25 morning.
And there’s the usual buffet of questionable food and drink, palmed off to us, the expectant and hopeful public, as festive limited editions. This year has reaped a stranger harvest than most, with oddly flavoured cereal taking the crown in what could be the worst Christmas food idea brought to market ever.
Then there’s the whole question of Crispmas, typically dominated by packets of smoky bacon crisps repackaged as pigs-in-blanket flavour. This year has seen a grotesque newcomer streak to the front of the pack as the season’s biggest turkey - and not in a good way. Scroll on to find out what we thought of Walkers' new launch.
That said, there have been some dark horses in the crisp race, notably from The Co-op which has formed its own brand range (looking at you, face-numbing salt & vinegar flavour).
While some producers haven’t appeared to have gotten the memo that this is a time for goodwill to all, including their tastebuds, faithful old M&S has come through to restore our faith with a festive rehash on everyone’s favourite insect-themed celebration cake.
We sampled some of the wildest food and drink you’ll spot on the supermarket aisles this Christmas as a public service to you, our loyal readers.
Eat, drink and be merry - if you can with this lot
Surreal Brussels Sprout cereal
It’s the stuff of nightmares; a breakfast tasting of a universally loathed Christmas vegetable.
The packaging stirs a vague interest that’s immediately extinguished when a fusty scent, so strong you can practically see it, plumes into your nostrils. Kudos for nailing the warm farty whiff of boiled sprouts, and mingling it with a sweet scent: Merry Queasmas, one and all.
As for the taste? Initial recoiling instincts are reinforced with a nibble: this manages to get even worse than it smells, if you can believe it. The price is the final insult to injury.
Best served to an annoying cousin or that tight uncle who always ‘forgets’ to buy you a proper gift.
Buy now £9.99, Surreal
Walkers Christmas Pudding Crisps
Crisps should be savoury: fact. Pringles once tried a sweet cinnamon version and found, contrary to its famous slogan, that people could indeed stop.
Alas, Walkers have taken no heed of this face-palming moment in snacking history by rustling up a Christmas Pudding flavour crisp this year. Dusted with sweet spice that sits at odds with the potato crisp vehicle, it seems to us that the only way that it works is if you serve it like you would the pud - on fire.
That said they're discouraging enough to keep around the house to serve surprise neighbours and scavenging carol singers.
Buy now £1.25, Amazon
Co-op Irresistible Ultimate Roast Potato Hand Cooked Crisps 150g
Potato crisps that taste of… potato? Yes, say hello to the snack origin story no one asked for. While a good roastie is as much of a national treasure as Granddad Attenborough, carbs squared sounds ridiculous and uninspired.
Reader, we're a proud shopping section, but we’ll hold our hands up and admit when we're wrong. Co-op’s not going to win any gold stars for creativity, these extra-crunchy crisps are decent with a faint trace of gravy running through the crisp, heightening the roastie vibe. Snackable.
Buy now £1.25, The Co-op
The Co-op Turkey Masala Curry flavour crisps
Sounding like something Bridget Jones’ mum would serve, could this flavour unlock a whole new category for Christmas crisps: the festive leftovers? What’s next; Bubble & Squeak, Turkey Sarnie, Mince Pie crumble? We’re not saying it’s perfect, but it’s got legs.
All flavour with low heat, they offer a refreshing break from the non-stop pigs-in-blankets crisps. One to dip in and out of over Betwixmas.
Buy now £1.75, The Co-op
M&S Christmas Jumper Colin the Caterpillar cake
Christmas is saved! M&S’s Colin the Caterpillar cake has a Crimbo spin-off, making a welcome addition to any festive dessert table. Dressed in his own festive green, white and red jumper and his sweet face topped with a jolly green hat, the chocolate buttercream cake remains as iconic as ever. Forever on the Nice list.
Buy now £12.00, Ocado
Lidl Deluxe Belgian Dark Chocolate Double Smash Cake
For destructive sorts that like the idea of blasting their dessert to smithereens, Christmas is in the bag thanks to Lidl. The chain may be famous for its budget prices but this double-layer cake is surprisingly luxe once free from its box.
Inspired by a bauble but looking more like a gilded boob, the aim is to hammer your way through two layers of gold-dusted milk chocolate domes to get to the caramel centre inside. That’s all good in theory, but without a suitable whacking instrument that these things are usually provided with, we had to improvise with a knife… which all felt a bit too stabby for what's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.
Buy now £8.99, Lidl
And wash it all down with: Beavertown Saint Neck’olas and ‘Spresso
Forcing down this lot was made a little easier thanks to Beavertown's two new-for-2023 festive launches. While the bright red shade of Saint Neck’olas added nothing to its appeal - threatening more than anything - the crisp IPA went down a treat. Just don't look too hard at it.
And ‘Spresso, a coffee-laced stout made in collaboration with the London-based coffee brand Climpson & Sons, makes a fine after-dinner tipple if you're feeling woozy from one too many Espresso Martinis.
Buy now, Beavertown
