With awards season in full swing and new seasons of TV firing up all over town, the late-night desks were packed to the brim with beautiful people trying to drum up publicity for themselves and their projects. Some of them did this better than others, and it is these that we’ve collected, because who has time for the bad stuff? Here’s the best of late night this week.
Gwyneth Paltrow performs Broadway versions of hip-hop songs on The Tonight Show
Wearing a flesh-toned jumpsuit with just a hint of labial ruffle detailing, the nation’s most-maligned lifestyle expert continued her never-ending “Please Just Like Me Why Won’t You Like Me” tour on Fallon, singing Broadway versions of Drake, Nicki Minaj and Big Sean. Accompanied by Jimmy on the keys, the two did their best to convince everyone that people who’ve spent the last 12 years on a juice cleanse and once recommended everyone buy a $900 cashmere “throw” can have fun, too.
The women of CBS’s The Talk are hosting The Late, Late Show this week
The gang is in charge of the Late, Late desk until James Corden takes over and it’s … well, it’s like The View after dark. To further that image, the Prince of Darkness himself stopped by to visit his wife Sharon Osbourne, Aisha Tyler, Julie Chen, Sara Gilbert and Sheryl Underwood, chatting Black Sabbath glory days, Kermit the frog, and his potential knighthood. More impressive than any introduction to the Queen however, is Ozzy and Sharon’s his’n’hers plastic surgery: the first couple of ex-musicians’ reality TV are looking better than ever.
Joaquin Phoenix has a crush on Amy Poehler
In the middle of an unrelated conversation with Jimmy Kimmel, the star of Inherent Vice decided to casually drop a “You know who I think is attractive? That Amy … what’s her name … Poehler?” Phoenix then pretended he didn’t know how to pronounce it as though he hadn’t been writing “Mrs Joaquin Poehler” all over his trapper keeper in third period for weeks. Phoenix also shared that he loves bringing his mom to award shows, and once took the old gal to an afterparty hosted by “Diddy”. Apparently he emerged from Puff Daddy’s bathroom to find his mother grinding up on Usher, because Usher is to moms like thoughtful, sensual jams are to … well, moms.
Dr Drake Ramoray is a fan of Seth Meyers
Matt LeBlanc hit the late-night circuit hard this week, but his best appearance was on Late Night, as renowned neurosurgeon and elevator shaft accident survivor Dr Drake Ramoray. You knew that mid-surgery stabbing wouldn’t keep him down forever.
@midnight takes on Free the Nipple
In a surprisingly rousing speech, Chris Hardwick tears down the double standard that causes Instagram and other social media to censor topless women’s pictures but not men’s. Are men’s nipples, he wonders, given a pass because they serve no purpose? Are Americans “afraid of functionality”? While his fury is largely centered around a desire to see some boobs, it’s a nice change of pace from the one-liners for which @midnight is better known. Bonus points for the phrase “daddy’s sand dollar-y ‘scareolas’”.
Chris Hemsworth forces everyone to have a crush on him
He’s a good sport about Jimmy Fallon’s dumb water game. He has a cute little accent. He dances around in a wet shirt that is Colin-Firth-as-Darcy-level made to be wet. He’s People magazine’s sexiest man alive and it makes him kind of uncomfortable and he doesn’t take it too seriously. He lets his presumably adorable baby daughter paint his nails, because he knows he’s a man. OK fine, Chris Hemsworth. We all have a crush on you. You did it. Ugh.
BONUS: Jimmy Kimmel debuts Snoop Dogg’s Plizzanet Earth
He knows what flamingos is.
