Match report
And with that, it’s goodnight from me. Thanks for reading, both the stuff about the football and the stuff about cats. I know which I found most entertaining. Farewell, and it’s over to Jacob Steinberg who has the minute-by-minute of Barcelona v Chelsea. That one should be more of a contest...
Not bad, eh?
11 - Jupp #Heynckes is the first coach in @ChampionsLeague history to win 11 consecutive games. Legend. @FCBayernEN #BJKvFCB pic.twitter.com/mKwR0TVvBA
— OptaFranz (@OptaFranz) March 14, 2018
And that’s that. Michael Oliver decides enough was enough and no added time will be...erm...added. That was all a bit pointless, but the fans inside the stadium seemed to have a pleasant time, and Besiktas at least played until the end. Would still question the wisdom of playing such a strong team from Bayern - Thiago got injured, plus three players - Hummels, Rafinha and Boateng - got bookings which might come back to bite them later in the tournament.
Full-time: Besiktas 1-3 Bayern Munich - Bayern win 8-1 on aggregate
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
89 mins: Quaresma swings over a cross from the left, and Gonul just can’t reach it at the back stick. Still, at least Besiktas are going out with a bit of gumption.
88 mins: Talisca again, snatches at a shot despite being in plenty of space in the area, and it skews well wide and over.
87 mins: Talisca shoots, Ulreich saves. Let’s all go home now, shall we?
84 mins: Rodriguez picks up a loose ball on the left, he waits for the perfect time to pass, which he does to Alaba. His cross is deflected over the keeper, and Wagner chests the ball in when he could very easily have stooped to head it. Lovely work.
GOAL! Besiktas 1-3 Bayern (Wagner 84) - Bayern lead 8-1 on aggregate
Lovely showboating...
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82 mins: Lovely football from Besiktas as a few different players exchange passes, setting up a change for Pektemek on the edge of the area, but he sort of slips over and his shot is blocked.
80 mins: Still quite a noise going on in the stadium from the home fans. Fairly remarkable, given the scoreline.
78 mins: Wagner, nobody’s idea of a speed merchant, pushes a ball ahead of him and tries to outrun Erkin on the Bayern right, but gives up and apologises to Muller in the middle after about five yards.
76 mins: Rodriguez runs across the edge of the area trying to create an angle for a shot, which he eventually manages but the effort goes wide.
Meanwhile, on social media, Neymar weighs in...
Você tem que ter uma atitude positiva e tirar o melhor da situação na qual se encontra.
— Neymar Jr (@neymarjr) March 14, 2018
Stephen Hawking pic.twitter.com/JE2MtyuT6b
75 mins: Sub for Besiktas - here’s Ryan Babel, replacing Vagner Love, who limps off looking unhappy with life.
73 mins: To be honest I’m not entirely sure how, but Ribery and Medel just ended up lying down at the byline, arms around each other. Or at least Medel had his arms around Ribery. Can you think of a more terrifying footballer to be hugged by?
71 mins: Ozyakup the latest to go into the book, for a gloriously pointless sliding foul on Boateng, who looks as surprised as anyone about the whole thing.
69 mins: Muller weaves his way towards goal, weaves around two defenders but cannot weave further.
Meanwhile, Matt Burtz has been on:
“Jumped into your MBM a bit late, but I have two points:
1) I would definitely be in favor of it turning into a cats liveblog.
2) I highly recommend that everyone go back and watch the Real Madrid/Monchengladbach highlights just for the Spanish commentary. You don’t need to know what they’re saying to revel in the sheer delight of the reactions to what is transpiring on the field.”
68 mins: Change for Bayern - Lewandowski is off, replaced by Sandro Wagner, a centre-forward outrageously wearing No.2.
66 mins: In response to the Cat Question, Steven Hallett sends whatever the hell this is in. It’s called ‘Duetto Buffo Di Due Gatti ( Duet of the two cats)’ apparently, and I have no idea what’s going on. “15 seconds of this clip was about as much as I could comfortably watch,” says Steven.
64 mins: Hutchinson’s first involvement is to get booked, perhaps a touch harshly, for a foul on Martinez.
63 mins: More potential longer-term problems for Bayern as Rafinha is booked for a brainless, pointless foul on Quaresma, going right through the winger’s ankles.
62 mins: Well, it’s at least livening up a bit now. Talisca gets involved straight away, playing across the edge of the six-yard box to Pektemek, who shoots left-footed...just wide.
60 mins: Double sub for Besiktas - Arslan and Lens are off, Talisca and Atiba Hutchinson are on.
59 mins: Obviously it’s not on, but still. After an iffy pass from Ulreich, Sule gives the ball away carelessly, Vagner Love latches onto it and despite being taken out - would’ve been a penalty had it not gone in - he stabs the ball into the corner, beyond Ulreich. Really sloppy stuff from Bayern, but obviously it couldn’t matter less at this stage.
GOAL! Besiktas 1-2 Bayern (Vagner Love 59) - Bayern lead 7-1 on aggregate
IT’S ON!
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58 mins: Quaresma wriggles into some space in the area, spins and shoots, but it’s blocked quite easily.
57 mins: Half-chance for Bayern, as Rodriguez slides in at the back post and tries to bundle the ball home, but Zengin smothers it.
56 mins: Actually, just let me know if you’d rather this became a cats liveblog.
55 mins: Sorry. This briefly turned into a cat liveblog. There is still football happening. Lens gets the ball on the edge of the box and shoots wide.
54 mins: There’s also an Instagram account named, appropriately enough, ‘Cats of Istanbul’. Check out this guy.
52 mins: Cats are all over the place in Istanbul. There’s even a film on that very subject, called Kedi. Here’s the trailer:
50 mins: And we have a cat on the pitch. Tabby, looks quite young, and he/she leaps over the advertising boards, briefly has a quick look around, seems rather confused then jumps over again. Michael Oliver stops the game to just see what catty is going to do, but eventually plays on.
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49 mins: Alaba has a free-kick from waaaaaaaay Downtown, but the dipping effort is straight at the keeper and is saved fairly easily.
46 mins: Lordy. Before anyone has any chance to get themselves comfortable, Bayern’s lead extends somewhere into the distance. Rafinha crosses from the right, Uysal possibly gets a toe on it and Gonul turns it into his own net. Lordy.
GOAL! Besiktas 0-2 Bayern (Gonul own-goal 46) - Bayern lead 7-0 on aggregate
Oh dear.
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We’re back out for the second-half. Jupp Heyneckes has does the sensible thing and taken off Hummels before he does any further disciplinary damage, Nicolas Sule replacing him.
Well I don’t want to say this has been a complete waste of everyone’s time...but it’s basically been a complete waste of everyone’s time. Neither team has been particularly good, Bayern have picked up an injury and two bookings, and Besiktas’s semi-B team haven’t done anything to recommend themselves.
Anyway, join me for the second-half in about 15.
Half-time: Besiktas 0-1 Bayern (Bayern lead 6-0 on aggregate
Peeeeeeeeep.
45 mins + 1: Lens and Alaba chase the ball, each with a roughly equal handful of the other’s shirt. Referee Oliver guesses and gives the free-kick to Bayern.
45 mins: One minute of added time. The officials want to get this out of the way as quickly as possible too.
44 mins: Bayern are making slightly heavy work of this. Lens finds Gonul in the area, in an inordinate amount of space, but his shot is reasonably weak and Hummels is there to block.
41 mins: Well - interesting. Lens runs at the Bayern defence, Hummels chases him but can only foul him, Lens then falls into Boateng but it’s the latter who is booked. Hummels of course got a yellow card a few minutes ago. Another problem with choosing a strong team: Bayern’s two centre-backs are now on yellow cards for this game, and the next round.
39 mins: A mirror image of that corner Bayern had on 28 minutes: this time it’s from the right, Rafinha’s cross finds Boateng, but his header goes wide.
37 mins: Ha - whadderyaknow. The first booking of the game, after the Besiktas players had spent 36 minutes kicking seven shades out of their opponents, goes to Hummels, for a foul on Vagner Love. Quaresma flays the resultant free-kick well over the bar.
35 mins: And Thiago can’t continue. Hamez Rodriguez replaces him. Bit difficult to tell exactly what the problem was with the Spanish midfielder: best guess was a calf problem, possibly Achilles.
33 mins: A shot on target for Besiktas: Lens cuts in from the right on his left peg, but it’s gathering practice for Ulreich, straight at him with little power.
32 mins: Concern for Bayern - Thiago has gone down, looking decidedly miffed with life. Here’s the problem with picking your first-team in a tie that’s already won: you might lose ‘em.
31 mins: Quaresma pops up on the right, on the corner of the box, takes it down nicely but spins and shoots miles over on the half-volley.
29 mins: Quaresma, 34 but who plays like a 19-year-old, cuts in from the left and tries a booming shot, but it booms a little too much and flies into the stands.
28 mins: Corner from the left for Bayern, it finds Hummels free in the area but his header goes wide. Sort of feels like Bayern can just score when they fancy, and when they don’t score, it’s because they don’t really fancy it.
27 mins: The latest industrial challenge comes from Gonul, who wipes Thiago out. No yellow cards from Mr Oliver so far.
25 mins: Safe to say you can make plans for around 7pm: this ain’t going to extra-time. Besiktas of course require seven goals, which at this stage seems unlikely. If you’re interested, the record for most goals scored by one team in a single European Cup/Champions League game stands at 12, which Feyenoord managed against KR Reykjavik in 1969/70.
22 mins: “Why is this match on so early?” asks Juan Torres. Presumably because Istanbul is three hours ahead of GMT, so if this kicked off at the same time as Barcelona v Chelsea, it wouldn’t finish until around midnight.
20 mins: “Great to see young English talent on the European stage,” muses Richard Powell. “Do keep us up to speed with Michael Oliver’s performance.” He’s keeping the British end up so far.
18 mins: Elegantly simple, devastatingly effective. Muller puts in a perfect cross from the right, brilliantly finding that space betwixt defence and keeper, where Thiago arrives to force home a simple finish. 6-0 on aggregate, now.
GOAL! Besiktas 0-1 Bayern (Thiago 18) - Bayern lead 6-0 on aggregate
Now Besiktas are in trouble...
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17 mins: Brilliant tackle denies Ribery. A quick free-kick sets the winger through on goal, he pulls his foot back to shoot from about 12 yards out only for Uysal to appear on the scene and relieve him of the ball.
16 mins: Half chance for Vagner Love, after Quaresma dispossesses Boateng on the left, crosses with the outside of his right boot to the near post, but it’s cleared.
15 mins: The Besiktas philosophy so far seems to be that if they’re going out, they’re taking some opponents with them. Quite a few very, very spicy challenges going in.
12 mins: Big cross from deep on the right, Vagner Love gets up for the header but it’s weak, wide and from way out.
10 mins: Free-kick to Bayern, right of centre. Alaba shoots, it dips with some gusto and Zengin pushes it away. Muller and Lewandowski go for the rebound, the former gets there first but skies it well over. Gary Medel is the only defender nearby, and he rather impressively manages to take both attackers out.
9 mins: Besiktas look like they’re trying too hard. Like someone who knows they’re massively late trying to run to work. The ball breaks into the area, Lens has a run on a shot but Vagner Love gets there first and plays a truly terrible layoff.
7 mins: Muller looking for that space, he curls in a cross from deep looking for Lewandowski, but the centre-forward had drifted offside.
6 mins: The home fans are giving it the full “Welcome to hell” treatment with some truly deafening whistling. Whether you can be especially intimidating in a stadium sponsored by a mobile phone company, one of the selling points of which is the excellent wifi, is a little less certain.
4 mins: Some rough-housing from Besiktas: Lens goes in super late on Rafinha (whose bleached hair makes him look like a villain in a Luc Besson film), shortly after Ozyakup belted Thiago to the turf.
2 mins: First chance for Bayern, as Thiago spreads to Alaba, he crosses to the back post but Vidal gets a bit of a 50p head on it and the ball skews well wide.
1 min: Besiktas kick off, and they try to attack straight away. Maybe they are going for this...
The teams are out, and we’re away...
The atmosphere sounds pretty good in the stadium, mind. By which I mean the home fans whistled the Champions League anthem really, really loudly.
Who’s excited then? Pumped? Jazzed? Thrilled at the possibilities the next 90 minutes could hold? Hmmmm.
Nothing to do with this game really, but Rob Smyth tracked down the bloke with the curly hair who celebrated Marc Overmars’s goal for Arsenal against Manchester United in 1998. And he wrote about other stuff to do with that strike too.
At the final whistle, as Arsenal celebrated around Overmars, the camera cut to a thin man with curly black hair, stubble and a black leather jacket. He was wild-eyed, clenching both fists and growling “YES!”. Barry Ferst is a laid-back, softly spoken man, but sport is one of the few areas of life in which happiness is demonstrated through aggression. It brings out the Danny Dyer in most of us.
Ferst was in a car on the way back to London when a friend called and told him he’d been on TV. “I’ve got naturally curly hair and I’m quite distinctive, so I just thought I was easy to spot in the crowd,” he says. “I had two or three more phonecalls but didn’t think much of it.”
Since I spent a while looking all this up, those overturned four-goal deficits I mentioned are here, in chronological order.
Leixões SC 7-6 (2-6, 5-0) La Chaux-de-Fonds - Cup Winners’ Cup, 1961/62
It was over after an hour of the first-leg of this first round tie. Or should have been. Richard Jäger bombed in for his second of the night to make it 5-1 to Swiss side La Chaux-de-Fonds, and despite a late goal apiece the tie looked done. But in the return back in Portugal, Osvaldo Silva and Manuel Oliveira bagged a brace each, Leixões won 5-0 and went through, extraordinarily. The last of the five was scored after 71 minutes. Must have been a nervy last 19...
Partizan Belgrade 6-6 (2-6, 4-0) QPR - Uefa Cup, 1984/85
That’s right, QPR. Not allowed to play the first leg at Loftus Road because of the old plastic pitch, QPR elected to stage their home game at Highbury, and absolutely gubbed their Yugoslav opponents 6-2. You can read all about it here, but it’s fair to say the return didn’t go to plan. “We were beaten in Belgrade more than an hour before the match had even started,” manager Alan Mullery said. “I saw the players’ faces change when we walked out to sample the atmosphere. It was incredible. It frightened the life out of me and I have been around a long time.”
Real Madrid 5-5 (1-5, 5-0) Borussia Mönchengladbach - Uefa Cup, 1985/86
After a pummelling in the initial game, Real Madrid set about rectifying things in the return fairly sharpish. Jorge Valdano scored twice in the first 18 minutes, presumably leading to a palpable sense of “IT’S ON!” But things stayed quiet until the 77th, a long old time for them to accept their inevitable fate. Then Santillana scored one, then two, and Real went through on away goals, thanks to a Rafael Gordillo strike that looked like a consolation goal in the first match. Real went on to win the whole thing, whipping FC Köln 7-1 on aggregate in the two-legged final.
Barcelona 6-5 (0-4, 6-1) PSG - Champions League, 2016/17
In your life, you’ve never seen anything like it. Remember: Barca needed three goals as the clocked ticked into the 88th minute. Sid Lowe was there - marvel as he somehow made sense of the whole thing.
Well, that team news is not ideal for those of us who faintly hoped for a contest. It’s Besiktas, rather than Bayern, who have selected a... ‘changed’ side, seven changes made (one through injury) from the team that played in the league on Saturday, coach Şenol Güneş clearly deciding that this one isn’t worth bothering his best men with.
Bayern on the other hand choose a pretty strong team, including what seems to be an entirely pointless gamble of picking Robert Lewandowski up front, despite the big Pole being a booking away from suspension in the next round.
Team news
Besiktas
Zenghin; Gökhan, Medel, Uysal, Erkin; Quaresma, Ozyakup, Arslan, Lens; Vager Love, Pektemek. Subs: Fabri, Adriano, Babel, Negredo, Hutchinson, Aksoy, Tallisca.
Bayern Munich
Ulreich; Rafinha, Hummels, Boateng, Alaba; Martinez, Thiago, Vidal; Ribery, Lewandowski, Muller. Subs: Starke, Wagner, Sule, Rodriguez, Bernat, Rudy, Kimmich.
Referee: Michael Oliver (England)
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Preamble
You may wonder what we’re all doing here. It’s 5-0. It’s Bayern versus (with all due respect) Besiktas. It’s done. In all likelihood this will be 90 minutes of killing time, a box-ticking exercise because Uefa can’t really say “Eff this lads, everyone stay home and save yourselves the bother, this one is toast.” The chances are we’re about to watch an hour and a half of admin.
And yet, it’s still worth watching, and I’ll tell you for why. In fact, here are several reasons why.
- It’s still football. What else are you going to do?
- It’s still Bayern. A transitional Bayern perhaps, but this is one of the great European superpowers strutting around the most glamourous competition in the world. That’s worth watching.
- You never know when someone is going to do something extraordinary. Those of us watching this game might see something we’ll remember for the rest of our lives.
- You never know when someone is going to do something utterly abysmal. Those of us watching this game might see something we’ll remember for the rest of our lives.
- You never know when someone is going to do something comically stupid. Those of us watching this game might see something we’ll remember for the rest of our lives.
- Imagine if they did it. Imagine if Besiktas actually did it. You’d never forgive yourself if you weren’t watching.
Nobody has ever turned around a five-goal first-leg deficit in European competition. Only four teams have ever come back from four down. Only one of those was in the Champions League. That was Barcelona vs PSG last season. Were you watching that? Exactly.
Kick-off: 17.00 GMT
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