BIG FUN
So far it’s turning out to be another wonderful season of Big Cup action for English football fans. For some reason, most of the media in this country start their work by assuming the majority of folk are desperately unhappy to witness Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester City and Manchester United stumble around Europe like drunk sailors on the dockside looking for a match to light their damp cheroot and the bit of rope that once held up their trousers. They’re not that unhappy, though, are they, if the bellows of laughter pealing across the country from Barrow to Bognor Regis are anything to go by. In fact, to date, the whole shebang seems to have been considered a marvellous wheeze. On the whole, it’s going down very well.
But in the interests of balance, your Reithian Fiver also recognises that supporters of the four aforementioned clubs, with the exception of 96% of those following Arsenal who would like to see Arsène Wenger sacked and are prepared to take a few short-term hits if necessary, would like their teams to do a bit better. “We are still in it,” trilled the Arsenal boss, pleading with the other four per cent, before immediately contradicting that statement by noting his team “have to get a result in our next game against Bayern Munich”. Oh dear. Perhaps he’ll play Petr Cech in that one.
Unlike the Gunners, Chelsea haven’t reached the pipe-dream stage while still in September, despite defending in Porto like they’re still managed by John Hollins. At one point during the second half, normally parsimonious Chelsea allowed their opponents to rain nearly 1,000 shots on goal during a particularly high-tempo 90-second spell. “The team played well,” insisted José Mourinho after the match. Presumably he believes this to be true, in which case, given the man’s exacting standards, Chelsea should be OK in the long run. Unless he’s fast losing his grip with reality, but that cannot be.
So with English teams having lost five of their six games in Big Cup so far, it’s down to the Manchester clubs to massage this sorry stat on Wednesday night. Manchester City have lost three of their last four, and travel to Borussia Mönchengladbach, who have come out of their early-season flat spin just in time. So it’s probably best not to stake the entire mortgage on them. Their neighbours United seem to be going well at the moment, though, well enough for Louis van Gaal to welcome VW-sponsored Wolfsburg to town by belching out a few questionable emissions of his own, specifically a blast of hot air which claims his team have a “realistic” chance of winning Big Cup. By 2017. Well, it’s better than nothing. But whatever fate befalls the Mancunians, you can guarantee that a large number of people in this glorious nation will be very happy indeed. So well done everyone!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I thought it was brilliant banter, but in the context it was the wrong way to go about it. We are giving him a second chance, and I’m sure he will be grateful” – Swindon Town manager Mark Cooper on Liverpool loanee Lawrence Vigouroux, who’s returned to the County Ground after apologising for paying a £50 club fine with 5,000 1p pieces.
FIVER LETTERS
“How can anyone be sure that José Mourinho was referencing being a ‘serial’ champion (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), as opposed to being a ‘cereal’ champion? Surely, going five or 10 years without winning a title would disqualify one from being a serial champion, while leaving the door open to remaining a cereal champion. Perhaps the point Mourinho was trying to make was that Chelsea’s early-season woes are simply down to a lack of a balanced breakfast” – Scott Henderson.
“Perhaps José would like to offer his services to a particular café in Shoreditch that could do with some endorsements following the recent protests against it” – Bill Iliffe.
“Surely I can’t be the only one who thought Steve Evans’s mug (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) bore a close resemblance to another leader of men who also referred to himself in the third person. I’m speaking, of course, about Matt Foley” – Dave Hageman (and no others).
“As a joke, I named my fantasy football team Gunners Physio Table. Superstitiously, I refuse to have any Arsenal players in my side. I added Callum Wilson before Bournemouth’s last game, and you can see what happened. I don’t plan on winning any leagues; however, if anyone would like me to put a hit on any player, I’m open to suggestions” – Chris D Gross.
“In Ian Tasker’s assessment of Brendan Rodgers’ skills in the art of spin, he said: ‘Never has someone trumpeted so much and glowed such self-satisfaction, having achieved so little (Monday’s Fiver letters).’ Apparently, Ian has never met my three-year-old son” – Matt Dony.
“Alas, I cannot claim any Olympian heritage (yesterday’s Fiver letters) or similar immaculate conception. However, family legend has it that a paternal great grandfather lost a finger due to wound infection, while laying bricks at the new Kop-end” – Ian Tasker.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Bill Iliffe.
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BITS AND BOBS
Choose wisely, Queen’s Celtic majority shareholder Dermot Desmond. “We would like to compete in the Holy Grail in England,” he roared when asked about the Premier League. “It will bring money into Scotland and rekindle football in Scotland having [Manchester] United, Arsenal and others. Maybe it’s going to be 10 years but I think it’s inevitable. [The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers] and [Queen’s Celtic] are among the top 10 teams in Britain and some of the biggest teams in the world and they should be competing at the highest level. I think it’s inevitable there will be changes.”
Wolfsburg are confident that cheating carmaker VW’s investment in the club won’t suffer despite the ongoing scandal. “VfL is more worth to the Volkswagen brand than the actual invested sum,” bragged club suit Klaus Allofs.
For the first time in six years, United and City have been cleared to play their next Coca-Cola Cup ties in Manchester on the same evening. “Greater Manchester police are working with both clubs, and other partners, in an effort to minimise any disruption to local communities and reduce the risk of any disorder taking place,” ello-ello-elloed chief inspector Dean Howard.
Rotherham have rejected an approach from Paolo Di Canio over their vacant managerial position.
Son Heung-min faces a spell on the Tottenham sidelines after suffering foot-ouch!
And Dinamo Zagreb coach Zoran Mamic isn’t that fussed after their 5-0 Big Cup shellacking by Bayern Munich. “I told the players at half-time to calm down and try to do better after the break, which we did partially,” he parped. “But throwing caution to the wind at 4-0 down would have been suicidal.”
WIN! WIN! WIN!
Get your hands on (home) tickets to Bournemouth v Watford in the Premier League!
STILL WANT MORE?
Marina Hyde travels the murky depths of Greg Dyke’s Fifa doublethink. Dare you join her?
David Hytner and Dominic Fifield put Chelsea and Arsenal’s Big Cup implosion under the microscope but Brendan Rodgers has the Premier League and the FA square in his blame-sights.
Dom’s also been busy checking out the pared-back Monaco 2015 edition.
This week’s Knowledge delves into the fast and furious world of goal celebrations involving motor vehicles.
Goals of the week, goals of the week, goals of the week … goals of the week!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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