BIG CUP RUNNETH OVER
“If you’re explaining, you’re losing,” goes the old political maxim. For football, and specifically in this case Manchester United and Louis van Gaal, that might be adapted to read “If even Michael Owen can expose your approach and record by making the first salient and non-tedious point of his broadcasting career, you’re losing.” Not quite as pithy, granted, but the point stands. For after United went out of Big Cup in admittedly uncharacteristically entertaining fashion, not so much shuffling meekly out of the door but running straight through the wall next to the door, Lil’ Mickey O quite correctly noted that a team comprised of the players United have let go in the last couple of years would beat the shower they can put out at the moment. Ouch. Being, how you say, ‘rinsed’ is unpleasant at the best of times, but by Dubai’s finest helicopter pilot/tour guide … well, that’s particularly rough.
“This was a tight group,” said Van Gaal, after his collection of somnolent slow-pokes and ill-prepared kids were shoved out of the top competition like the Fiver being told to leave the Trombone & Llama after a night on the Tin resulted in yet another ‘unfortunate misunderstanding’ with the locals. However, the man apparently thought of as a ‘genius’ by the United suits declined to elaborate on exactly why it was a tight group, as that way he might have been forced to explain that it was tight largely because of his own team’s incompetence earlier in the competition.
Hey ho, though. At least Van Gaal has some rather forgiving bosses, who are apparently so taken with the old boy that they’re passing up the chance to give Pep Guardiola a buzz and are perfectly happy to let him manage across town. And not only that, they’re apparently going to try persuading Van Gaal to postpone his retirement, currently set for the end of next season, for yet more of this unending monotony. Hold onto your hats, United fans, because you might not even be halfway through this wild ride yet.
One man whose superiors might not be so forgiving about a premature Big Cup exit is José Mourinho. Chelsea must do what United couldn’t and avoid calamity in their eminently winnable final group game tonight, when José’s old pals Porto come to town. A failure to win could see them in the same fetid gutter as United (or, if you prefer, Big Vase) and present the very real possibility that Manchester City are the big, bad, mighty, razzle-dazzlin’ Premier League’s only representative in the knockout stages. A cold splash o’ water on the collective English face, and no mistake, but also potentially one that will see José out on his trousers in the icy, unforgiving winter.
“I know the wind of the results is an important wind,” he mused, evoking the element that he most certainly appears to be full of. “I know this wind is strong because the results in the Premier League are really bad … you can read these bad results and focus everything on the manager. You can look at the results and look to players with performances below acceptable [levels]. You can look to this and look to the unlucky decisions we’re having in every competition, not just the Premier League. And you can look in many directions and decide this is not a one-man responsibility.”
Aha. So it’s not all his fault. Even though when his teams do well he’s rather fond of saying ‘he’ won very many titles. Sounds like some top-class buck passin’ to us. The Fiver isn’t saying we want a man to lose his job – of course not, that would be cruel and harsh and not in the spirit of the season. But it would be interesting to test out José’s old theory, put forward during a tiff with Manuel Pellegrini while he was at Real Madrid, that if he was binned off, he would “go to a big club.” We’ll see, José. We’ll see. We can’t wait to see what Lil Mickey has to say about it all, anyway.
... BREAKING ON THE SKY SPORTS NEWS TICKER OF DOOM ... BREAKING ON THE SKY SPORTS NEWS TICKER OF DOOM ... BREAKING ON THE SKY SPORTS NEWS TICKER OF DOOM ...
Garry Monk has been invited by Swansea City to Do (s)Wan and has been sent skittering out of the Liberty Stadium on his trousers after a run of just one win in 11 Premier League matches. “The decision has been made very reluctantly and with a heavy heart,” said Swansea City’s chairman, Huw Jenkins after hotfooting it from Windsor where he collected an OBE yesterday.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“A daily search – part of Sports Direct’s zero tolerance of theft – involves workers lining up before being ordered to strip to the final layer above the waist and empty their pockets. They are then asked to roll up their trouser legs to reveal the brands of their socks and expose the band of their underwear. Occasionally workers are hauled into a side room for a more detailed search. Agency workers are given a list of 802 sports and clothing brands they are prohibited from wearing” – Simon Goodley and Jonathan Ashby went undercover in one of Newcastle owner Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct warehouses – also known as “the gulag”.
FIVER LETTERS
“I was witness to an amusing subtitle error yesterday lunchtime when the BBC news subtitler (if that is the correct term) referred to ‘Her Majesty’s United’ in reference to their then upcoming game against Wolfsburg. Far be it for me to suggest that an outdated institution, well past it’s sell by date, living off past glories and having no relevance to the present has any resemblance at all to the Royal Family, but maybe the subtitler can be excused that one” – Kevin Denham.
“With regards to ‘Manchester United’s comprehensively unattractive home FA Cup tie against Sheffield United’ (yesterday’s Fiver). Great to see the mighty Blades get yet another mention in the Fiver, even if it is derogatory. Any publicity, as they say” – Dan Makeham.
“Re. yesterday’s Quote of the Day: that’s one hell of a funk that Port Vale chairman Norman Smurthwaite has got on. So infuriated was he with the exit to Exeter he’s put the club up for sale. Now that could be an interesting precedent, especially with chairmen like those at Nasty Leeds, Nottingham Forest and the like: League Cup exits met with selling naming rights to embarrassing firms. A 4-0 thumping at home resulting in the confiscation of players little designer man bags. I wonder what would have to happen for players to be forced to turn up in cream suits to matches, a la Liverpool 1996 …” – Ferg Slade.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Kevin Denham, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United’s Marcos Rojo has undergone surgery for shoulder-ouch.
Cristiano Ronaldo has offered his Real Madrid boss Rafa Benítez his support. “The coach is doing a good job and is still adapting,” he roared. “You have to give him time and in my opinion he is doing well.”
Daniel Sturridge has a hamstring injury that means he will miss Liverpool’s festive fixtures, leaving him ample time to sprain his wrist while pulling a cracker, fracture his jaw while eating turkey, or rupture his ACL while carolling.
West Brom and Tottenham have been charged by the FA for “failing to ensure their players conducted themselves in an orderly fashion”, which makes it sound a little like the two teams are being charged for using the wrong fork for this fish course, while in actual fact they are being charged for things getting pwoper nawty at the Hawthorns last weekend.
STILL WANT MORE?
Louis van Gaal + £250m spent on players = Big Vase football for Manchester United. Jamie Jackson on why the San Andreas fault line has nothing on the fracture running through the Dutchman’s transfer dealings, man-management and team selection.
Will the man made out of crisps and balsa wood ever beat his injury jinx? Paul Wilson asks the question after Daniel Sturridge’s latest setback.
Jacob Steinberg writes about how Olympiakos are planning to prevent Arsène Wenger from wittering on about qualifying for the Big Cup last 16 for a 16th straight season.
Sub-zero temperatures and 21 hours of darkness a day. No, it’s not working conditions at Fiver Towers but instead at FC Santa Claus, the Lapland club aiming for promotion this Christmas. Watch the documentary here.
What on earth is the Trofeo San Nicola? The answer to this and more in this week’s Knowledge.
And “England,” “futsal” and “giants” are not three words that have been used together before but things may be about to change. Jamie Fahey reports.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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