"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."
Eager to read more of this award-winning writing? Sadly, you're out of luck. Detective Bart Lasiter and his super burrito live to lick shovels only in those 60-odd words. Or should that be 60 odd words? For the lascivious Lasiter is the star of the winning sentence of this year's Bulwer-Lytton literary prize, the contest that challenges entrants to submit their worst opening sentence of an imaginary novel.
The competition was started in 1982 by the English Department at San Jose State University to honor Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, the Victorian novelist, who opened his 1830 novel Paul Clifford with what were to become the immortal words, "It was a dark and stormy night." Initially a quiet campus affair, thousands of people around the world now enter in order to display their appalling powers of invention and consummate ability to mangle the English language.
But we think you, dear Culture Vulture readers, can do better ...
Post your stark and doomy sentences below and the best of them will receive a prize worth more than the "pittance" and the "household name fame" offered by the Bulwer-Lytton contest.
We'll follow the original BL rules listed here:
~ Each entry must consist of a single sentence but you may submit as many entries as you wish.
~ Sentences may be of any length (though you go beyond 50 or 60 words at your peril), and entries must be "original" (as it were) and previously unpublished.
But we're doing away with categories so bring them on in every genre - our shovel-lickers are ready and waiting.
And, if you need any more inspiration, here's the runner-up from the Bulwer-Lytton competition, by Stuart Vaseperu from Scotland, which plays with the dialogue from Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry:
"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"
For yet more inspiration, check out the Lyttony of grand prizewinners here.
