Cheer up - research suggests that today is the happiest day of the year. So ignore the spoilsport sceptics and toast the occasion with a beer slushie.
There's been a bumper crop of research news, with boffins announcing that organic garlic isn't all it's cracked up to be, that Groucho Marx glasses could help you commit the perfect crime, that the ancient Chinese were building pyramids, and that Chelsea tractor drivers are as bad as you thought.
Some of that technical expertise wouldn't go amiss at the FBI, where officials have helpfully shown the world how not to censor court documents.
Perhaps the Feds should apply for an injunction, like the US producers nervous that a student film project could be confused with Oliver Stone's £33m World Trade Centre blockbuster.
You can hardly blame the student for trying to get his 15 minutes of fame: even Andy Warhol's wigs now fetch £6,000 each.
