Time now for Broken Dreams With David And Victoria, wherein we unfurl the Beckham news grid and ask: Christ, didn't just ONE of you think to insist he had a physio on holiday with him in the South of France?
My apologies, I seem to be singing off a hymnsheet not approved by Beckham Svengali Simon Fuller. What I obviously meant to say was, wherein we ask: would the couple list their engagements for the coming days?
Well, in tomorrow's epic World Series of Soccer clash, David's pub side - trust me, Lost in Showbiz watched them play on Tuesday and it was a trainwreck to behold - will be embarrassingly thrashed by Chelsea in the first half, before the Blues lose their appetite for gratuitous humiliation, and lay off them a bit in the second. Beckham may even play for ten minutes.
But it's Sunday night that looks the weekend's more watchable fixture. An invitation which has done the rounds of Hollywood powerbrokers, though has bafflingly has not slithered through Lost in Showbiz's letterbox, reads:
"Please join Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith in welcoming David and Victoria Beckham to Los Angeles."
The event will take place at the downtown Museum of Contemporary Art, and it looks like quite the coming-out party for our LA debutantes. Over here, of course, they won't be presented to the Queen - who, let's face it, would probably only storm out after the arrivals photographers screamed at her to please move along up the red carpet and stop blocking their shot of Kimberly Stewart - but rumoured attendees include all manner of what convention demands we refer to as "Hollywood Royalty". Bruckheimer, Geffen, Murdoch, Winfrey, Spielberg - all are rumoured to be pitching up and paying their insincere respects to David, who by this stage will probably be being pushed around in a bath chair and moaning through the morphine.
As for entertainment, who knows? An intelligent guess would suggest a night of typical Hollywood debauchery, ending in Tom Cruise turning the ice-packing that appears to permanently encase David's ankle into an impromptu vodka luge, from which he will down multiple shots whilst slurring: "it's so too bad you can't play till September, but it'll be so nice just to hang out in my den and watch videos together. I'll make sure Katie gets a nice long location shoot. Or maybe we could send the girls to Paris like before?"
Oh Beckhams, Beckhams, Beckhams... are you REALLY living the dream?
