OH ARSENAL, NASTY LEEDS, AILSA FROM HOME AND AWAY ETC
While the conspicuous absence of non-league teams from the third round suggested this season’s FA Cup might have lost some more of the old magic, it didn’t stop several high-profile teams disappearing without even a puff of smoke to hide their embarrassment at being knocked out by lower league opposition. League Two’s Yeovil were the lowest-ranked team left in this year’s competition going into the third round and will retain their status before Monday’s fourth round tombola spin after smiting Bradford’s Bantams.
Elsewhere, Stoke City were the first top-flight side to suffer the ignominy of a giantkilling, going out at the hands of Coventry City, a once proud club who won the FA Cup in 1987 but can currently be found slumming it in League Two after years of heinous neglect by their scurrilous owners. “I’m making the best of what I’ve got,” Ailsa from Home and Away said in his traditional post-match excuse-a-thon, but when all you’ve got are beaten by a demoralised team largely cobbled together on the cheap from paperclips, sticky-back plastic and bits of string, being unceremoniously booted towards the door marked “Do One” should come as no big surprise.
Meanwhile two Nottingham clubs scrapping for a return to former glories after periods of dodgy ownership claimed the scalps of teams in divisions above them. Still languishing in the Championship, two times Big Cup winners Forest humbled no-times Big Cup winners Arsenal in a real humdinger at the City Ground. “I just think we were not good enough anywhere – not up front, in the middle or at the back – and we paid for it,” said Arsène Wenger, whose Gooners were also woefully inadequate in a dugout that featured no big-name stars that might have helped a side rotated to the point of arrogance out of a hole.
The previous day at Griffin Park, Brentford fans had been left anything but buzzing as League Two leaders Notts County continued their excellent run of form under Kevin Nolan, who has come a long way since his well-documented days as Andy Carroll’s babysitter. Jon Stead popped up with the winner there, belying every one of his 59 years.
Still reeling from their humiliation at the hands of second division Sunderland in the 1973 final, Nasty Leeds had further humiliation heaped upon them by Welsh League Two side Newport County. Adding insult to indignity, Nasty Leeds had Samuel Sáiz sent off for gobbing at Newport’s Robbie Willmott in injury time and the expectorating Spaniard has since been banned for six games. Newport were the most successful of the three Welsh clubs left in the competition, with Cardiff being held by Mansfield Town and Premier League strugglers Swansea City unable to break the deadlock and cause an upset by beating slick, runaway Championship leaders Wolves, who may sit only one place beneath them but are clearly much superior. And finally, a tip of the hat to League One side Peterborough United, who proved they’re not too Posh to push on in the grand old competition by dismantling their Championship opponents Aston Villa at Villa Park.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We’re sad and we’re [eff]ing sunk” – Marcelo offers a pithy assessment of Real Madrid’s La Liga season to date after their 2-2 draw with Celta Vigo left them in fourth place, 16 points behind leaders Barcelona.
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FIVER LETTERS
“José Mourinho, October 2005: ‘I think [Arsène Wenger] is one of these people who is a voyeur. He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, they have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks and speaks and speaks about Chelsea.’
Antonio Conte, January 2018: ‘For the other situation [with Mourinho], I am repeating – there is a person who continues to look here. He went away but continues to look here.’ Is Mourinho the new voyeur? How time flies and circumstances change …” – Ronald Kondowe.
“So, Ailsa from Home and Away has finally been axed. To use the vernacular of the teens on that very show, ‘I’m stoked!’” – Jonathan Dobson.
“Carlos Calvalhal need have no qualms about signing match-winning sardines [Friday’s bits and bobs]. Geoff Pike, Mark Fish, Steve Guppy and Geoff Salmons all hit the back of the net, while Peter Haddock scored a sole goal for [Nasty] Leeds” – Dave McNulty.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ronald Kondowe.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The former football coach Barry Bennell has pleaded guilty to seven child sexual offences.
Philippe Coutinho has been ruled out for three weeks after thigh-knack was discovered while he was coughing for the Barcelona doctor.
Good news for Tottenham fans: Harry Kane says he wouldn’t think of doing one from Spurs. Bad news for Tottenham fans: that’ll change unless they start winning some things.
The chair of Dental Trauma UK reckons Taxpayers FC physios could have done a better job of treating Josh Cullen after his tooth was sent whizzing through the air in a collision with a Shrewsbury player had they not stored it in a cup of milk. “The best way of saving a tooth is to pick it, lick it and stick it,” tootled Serpil Djemal. “In other words, immediately pick the tooth up by the crown, lick the tooth clean – the owner only! – and stick it back in position.”
Manchester City are busy attaching £30m to a fishing rod, which they’ll dangle over the Etihad in the hope of catching an Alexis Sánchez.
A further 12 Brighton (& Hove actually) fans have been banned from attending their team’s matches after pwoper nawty behaviour when they faced Crystal Palace – their FA Cup opponents tonight – in November.
The suspect in the bombing of Borussia Dortmund’s team bus has admitted to carrying out the attack, but says he did not intend to kill or injure anyone. The accused, identified only as Sergej W, faces a life sentence if found guilty of the charges.
And Fleetwood keeper Chris Neal fears his manager Uwe Rösler will not be thrilled after the stopper won a year’s worth of pizza for keeping a clean sheet against Leicester in the FA Cup. “It is not great for us … I am sure he will mention I can’t have too much,” sniffed Neal.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
It’s a left-back love-in in this weekend’s FA Cup talking points, with Liverpool’s Andrew Robertson and Manchester City’s Oleksandr Zinchenko bathing in nice words, among other things.
Meanwhile, Sean Ingle reckons Nottingham Forest and Coventry have taken a gigantic gulp of fresh air and breathed life back into the shiny old pot.
Richard Foster leaps into his time machine and takes us back to 1989, when Brighton played Palace and the referee gave five penalties in 27 minutes.
It might sound ludicrous but there’s a chance that a resurgent journeyman striker could save Benevento, writes Paolo Bandini.
Betis are kings of Seville again after a bonkers 5-3 derby win started a shindig that went on almost as long as Weird Uncle’s Fiver’s parole party, writes Sid Lowe.
Do you remember how Hibs became the first British club to play in Big Cup? Ah. Well let Jon Spurling remind you.
Jürgen Klopp must get Philippe Coutinho’s long-term replacement right. His legacy depends on it, no-pressures Andy Hunter.
And here’s Sid on how the pocket-sized Brazilian’s mega-move has kickstarted a new era at Barcelona.
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