ANOTHER OUTING FOR ‘CITY SLIPPERS’
When the full-time whistle blew at the Etihad last night, Manuel Pellegrini began his search for answers. How had the team that appeared a force of nature just a couple of weeks ago morphed into the insipid side that had drawn with CSKA Moscow and been beaten – well beaten – by West Ham and now Newcastle? How to explain this sudden deterioration? How to put in into words? Soon enough he had it, a flash of inspiration, a glowing white-hot shard of truth. Tape recorders whirred, pencils poised over pages. “My feeling,” he began, “is that we are not playing well.”
To which the obvious response involves bears, woods, popes and pointy hats. And while the Fiver looking for cheap laughs by highlighting someone else’s statement of the bleedin’ obvious is a little like a humbug that’s been dropped on the floor of the car taking the mickey out of a badger for being black and white and covered in fur, the fact of the matter is that Pellegrini’s feeling is absolutely right – City are really not playing well. Indeed, though it hardly made scintillating copy for the assembled hacks, it’s hard to argue with any of the Chilean’s post-match assessments: “The team ran a lot” … “We must find a solution and address it” … “We are in a difficult moment” … “We didn’t win the three games we played this week”, and “We are conceding too easy goals and we are not scoring the chances we have”. These all featured on Wednesday, every one of them an object lesson in cheek-clawing tedium, and every one of them on the button.
While Pellegrini fretted about the lack of confidence in his side and contemplated the barren featureless wasteland of a future that is life for a Big Cup team denied the glitz and glamour of the Worthington Cup, Alan Pardew was (surprise, surprise) doing the sort of chest-beating last seen in Planet of the Apes. “I do know what I’m doing,” he roared, hands hovering between the blue wire and the red wire as sweat beaded on the foreheads of those around him. “We had a gameplan. The players needed to execute it but I couldn’t ask for more than they gave me.”
So Pardew’s Newcastle head off to host Liverpool at the weekend with a spring in their step and a song in their hearts, while Pellegrini and co trudge towards Sunday’s meeting with Manchester United with an uncertainty not seen at the club since a certain bescarfed Italian was roaming the touchline. The good news for City of course is that, as everyone knows, no football derby in the history of the game has ever been remotely affected by the respective form of the two sides involved.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I feel outraged, my privacy and that of my family have been violated … I have asked my lawyers in Costa Rica to take the necessary legal action” – Real Madrid keeper Keylor Navas responds to allegations that 24 government agents spied on him in his homeland.
INTO THE FOREST
26 May: “This is fantastic for me” – Tom Ince holds talks in Milan over a move to Internazionale.
6 June: “I have decided that my immediate future in the game lies in the Premier League” – Ince ‘turns down’ Inter.
30 October: Nottingham Forest sign Ince on loan from Hull City.
A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
Big Website has got a new YouTube football channel. Subscribe today! And there’s also a new app for iOS and Android.
FIVER LETTERS
“As a fully-qualified divorce lawyer, I’d be more than happy to assist Magnus Ormaasen in the sad demise of his relationship (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Whether it is wise to take any kind of help from a fellow long-suffering Fiver reader is a matter of debate. In my professional opinion I can only advise that it wouldn’t be. Although, as previously stated, my professional advice is undermined by my Fiver reading, etc and so on” – Matthew Taylor.
“Just seconds after I had read Magnus Ormaasen’s Soulmates-based lament in yesterday’s super soaraway Fiver my sociable, erudite and friendly wife happened to glance over my shoulder and ask what I thought I was doing visiting shady dating sites. I know the Fiver has been complaining that it is too big for its format, but going all ‘meta’ on its readers isn’t the answer” – Tom Herbert.
“Not for the first time the sign-off at the end of yesterday’s Fiver links to sounds wholly or predominantly characterised by the emission of a succession of repetitive beats. I think there ought to be a law against this sort of thing” – Alec McAulay.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Void.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
QPR boss Arry Redknapp has launched a defence of Rio Ferdinand, banned by the FA for a tweet that contained the word ‘sket’. “Rio does know how to behave off the pitch, I’ve not had many footballers behave better off the pitch than Rio, on the pitch and off the pitch,” he parped.
Having left the frying pan at Birmingham City, Lee Clark has, ahem, hot-footed it to the fire of Blackpool. “I am absolutely delighted,” he cheered.
Hamburg have lodged a complaint against one of their fans after he invaded the pitch against Bayern Munich and slapped Franck Ribéry’s face with a scarf. “He was handed over to police,” sniffed a club statement. “This is not HSV!”
Raúl has hopped into a time machine and travelled back to 1979, where he has joined the New York Cosmos. “They helped establish soccer in [the USA! USA!! USA!!!] and I’m honoured to follow in their footsteps,” he hollered.
And Al Ahly’s Walid Soliman has issued a formal apology after being banned for four games for untucking the referee’s shirt in the wake of a red card. “I tried to rush over and stop him showing the card, waving my hands, as is often the case from players – but because of how close I was to him, it made it look on TV like I was attacking him,” he sobbed. “During the return trip home I tried to contact the referee to apologise to him, but my attempts were unsuccessful as his mobile was off, so here and now I apologise to him and all members of the Egyptian football family. I will embrace any sanction that the FA impose, no matter what.”
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
In this week’s edition of the Guardian Football Show, Nat Coombs visits Newcastle fans on Tyneside to ask: is there any case for the defence of Mike Ashley? And in our Your Shout series, Manchester United fans tells us all there is to know about the club, while Manchester City supporters do likewise. Oh, and there’s also five classic Manchester derby moments – in the brick-by-brick style!
STILL WANT MORE?
This week’s Classic YouTube stars a half-n@ked Ruud Gullit playing Attilio Lombardo’s head like the bongos.
Load up on pub quiz knowledge with our datablog of the Premier League’s 91 goalscoring nations. And you can test out your newly enhanced brains with this set of global goalscorers teasers.
Ian McCourt has the lowdown on Ipswich Town, the £10,000 team pushing for the Premier League.
Bristol City boss Steve Cotterill divulges all about his lucky pants, quirky superstitions and rituals to Stuart James.
Genoa’s Luca Antonini: angel of the mud and conqueror of Juventus. Read all about it in Paolo Bandini’s Serie A blog.
Joe Gorman reports from Down Under, where Brighton and Crystal Palace fans are playing out their rivalry.
And it’s not about football, but you really should read this from Jonny Weeks with the photographers who’ve known Muhammad Ali best. It’s brilliant.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
