Yarn it!
The Giro d’Italia takes every ounce of stamina you never thought you had. It wrings you out like a dhobi-washed, rock-pounded, hand-squeezed bed sheet. The cycle race spread over days of steep mountain roads in the Alps is a triumph of willpower over suffering. Of pushing the limits of human endurance, and then beyond. Of forgetting your thirst in that head-down, leg-pumping climb. Of deep desire to plough right into those idiot fans jumping onto the cyclist track. Of pumping heart, ragged breath - till your legs cramp - from sitting on the sofa for hours on end, cheering till your throat collapses. Time to fix yourself a double chocolate milkshake. Competitive sport is not for the faint-hearted.
If done right, there’s nothing like sports to melt away the calories, the stress or whatever those other motivational speakers on YouTube are offering you.
Start with a warm-up. Turn down the lights. Sell a family heirloom to buy the most luxurious recliner lounge chair.
Pillows in place?
Blackout curtains?
Set the drinks and chips in an arc within arm’s reach. You don’t want to miss a wicket while on a trip to the fridge.
Rigorous daily training is the key. Train the kids to lie on the phone that you’re on another call. Train the dog to bring the chips without eating any. Train the doorbell to not ring.
Plunge into the real muscle-cruncher now. Because which fan can watch their team play without pacing up and down.
Notch it up.
Break into a run.
Rampage around the living room. Thump your chest, pump your fists, punch the pillow, pound the table. Get your heart rate soaring. Yell. Threaten. Swing your imaginary bat, hurl yourself across the coffee table for a save, leap towards the basket or bicycle-kick that critical goal in – God knows the overpaid waste of a striker should have! Crouch, dive, bounce off the walls, run along the sidelines to coach your team, till you drop to the floor, busted but not beaten, at the final whistle. Well done, you!
No workout is complete without a mental wellbeing check. Go meet old friends. Taunt them over their team’s clueless play. Exaggerate. Escalate. Bring in old-war wounds, dirty politics, bad investments, what you did back in college. Engage in a free-for-all brawl. Come home with a black eye; hey, you took one for your team! And your mental wellbeing is currently tops: you can’t stop smiling, despite those broken teeth.
As after any strenuous exercise, end with deep breathing. Deep sonorous breathing. Fall asleep and snore thunderously. Nothing like sport for the body, mind and soul, especially if you’re not the one playing it.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks.
