So, there we are: a second drivers’ championship beats two majors, in the eyes of the voting Great British Public. Congratulations Lewis, and all the other amazing achievers. Thanks all for your company - night.
“I feel so proud to carry the union jack,” says Lewis. And then abruptly, it’s over; we’re wished well, and the credits roll.
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*Chortle* - seems we weren’t the only ones taken aback by this turn o’ events.
Someone at BBC pressed the wrong button at the wrong time for the wrong person @DanielHarris pic.twitter.com/EKliEVx2uw
— Karen (@Tall_Karen) December 14, 2014
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He thanks his dad, in particular, who took four jobs so that he could go go-karting, and is touched by the support he’s received.
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The bookies were wrong, then. “I am so speechless,” says your winner, before making a speech.
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And the winner is Lewis Hamilton!
Hugs are exchanged!
Second is Rory McIlroy!
That is a surprise! He doesn’t look quite as chuffed as Jo!
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Third is Jo Pavey!
Well done Jo!
“The wait is almost over,” adlibs Gary, introducing Jonny Wilkinson and Kenny Dalglish to present the award.
And now, one final run through the contenders for the main award. I’m going McIlroy, Hamilton, Peaty, now that you ask.
“Forget the medals,” emails David Wall, “Hoy’s standout moment was when, in response to an interviewer’s question ‘What does Chris Hoy go from here?’, he replied (something like) ‘The moment Chris Hoy refers to himself as Chris Hoy is the moment he disappears up his own backside’.”
He really does appear to have life and living absolutely sorted.
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What a boss Chris Hoy is. Turns out he’s had a kid recently, about which he’s chuffed.
“Since I retired, I thought I was done getting emotional in public”, Hoy says, and details his pride in cycling and in his award and those who’ve won it before him. He thanks everyone who’s helped him - his family, and coaches.
“You can feel the love, you can hear the love,” coos Claire, cleverly referencing the X Factor final by cleverly referencing Darius’ speech in Popstars.
He’s a chap, Chris Hoy. And here he is, waving to the crowd.
“He’s a massive role model and inspriation,” she says. “He’s the one everyone wants to be,” says Bradley Wiggins.
“Chris is the gold standard of what they want from an athlete,” says Victoria Pendleton, pointedly, before elegising profusely.
And a lifetime achievement award, going to the most decorated Olympic cyclist of all-time - even if he’s not much cop at football refereeing. He was inspired to cycle by ET, apparently.
A toast to absent friends is up next.
Here’s Gareth Bale presenting the award. “Congratulations Cris, it’s been an honour to play with you,” he says. “Thank you very much, have a good night,” says the man formerly known as Ronnie. Snivel.
Overseas personality of the year is Cristiano Ronaldo, who has somehow defeated numbers with the extent of his accomplishments. When you leave Man United, the only way is down, as they say.
Voting is over! Da-dum!
Germany v Brazil, my days.
And the winner is! The England women rugby union team!
Ya contenders:
England women’s rugby team
Europe Ryder Cup
Mercedes. Yes.
Great Britain’s athletics team
And here comes Team of the Year, and here come Jackie Stewart and Gordon Strachan to present the award, obviously.
I’d forgotten the extent to which France bottled their quarter with Germany. Dearie them.
It’s another montage and all; can’t we have ten minutes taking us through the story? Unfortunately, that is a rhetorical question.
Now to Braseew, and the World Cup. Which, in the end, was a disappointment - great though the group stages were, the absence of classic knockout games can’t be ignored.
And a few words about Philip Hughes.
We’re onto cricket, and receive a cryptic description of the year, with a few sepia stills. That’s it.
He thanks the people of Scotland, and there follows applause. Then his players, the caddies, and his vice-captains.
And the winner is! Paul McGinley!
The shortlist:
Bill Furniss of GB swimming, Paul McGinley, Rob McCracken of Carl Froch and various Commonwealth success, and Gary Street of England women’s rugby.
Coach of the year time, decided by an expert panel. Brendan Rodgers, I reckon, or David Moyes. Here’re Carl Fogarty and Tom Daley to present it, because it takes two.
The women’s World Cup comes next, and we see Emily Scarratt’s try that clinched it for England. “And don’t they look fantastic in their dresses,” says Gaby.
BOD talks us through Ireland’s Six Nations win -“The gentle, yet gregarious green of Ireland,” says his monologue. Not sure that quite makes sense.
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More odds and sods - some tennis, and some snooker. Nowhere near enough on Mark Selby’s incredible win over Ronnie O’Sullivan, perhaps the first time he’s ever been outplayed; this really isn’t very much about sport. Few bits of rugby, and now we’re onto Brian O’Driscoll.
Mrs Stidever takes the microphone, and tells the tale of a boy with a condition similar to that of Libby Clegg, who won his first medal last week. She thanks the parents for entrusting her with their children, and explains that her methods aren’t conventional, and, in front of rapt crowd still standing, thanks her husband and her team.
We go to Ibstock Leisure Complex in Leicester, where Jill Stidever has been helping disabled people to swim for 60 years. What an incredible lady.
Sport Relief spot, and onto the Get Inspired Unsung Hero Award; here come Libby Clegg and Eddie Izzard to present it.
“Surely there cannot be a sporting occasion in Scotland that doesn’t involve Emeli Sande at some point,” tweets Steve Pye.
Oh, I do hope so. It’s very tricky to discern the point of what we’re currently seeing, especially given the BBC have the footage for this.
We’re given a montage of the games, while folk I presume to be Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne, perform the following:
Time for some Glasgow love, and a reading in which a voice purporting to be the city praises itself - and that’s fair enough, great place, great games. Now a musical interlude.
And, with the last contender done, the voting is open. Surely this isn’t even a contest - two majors, in a sport where the titles aren’t sequestered by the few best players because of how many variables there are? At 25? It’s enough to make you wonder about yourself.
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Paul McGinley praises his players, and McIlroy’s asked to explain why Europe keeps winning. He credits Maurice Mentum, to steal a line from Rob Smyth.
We’re onto Ryder Cup chat - and is there an odder match in sport? Is there anything else in which Europe compete as a team?
Now on stage, he explains that he rediscovered his love for the game this year, and nods at the claret jug, before explaining how special it was to share the moment with his mum. He’s after a green jacket now, and a career grand slam - achieved by only five golfers in history.
That was easily the most interesting, informative VT, and the least stylised - a curious coincidence.
“I try to get a little white ball into 18 consecutive holes in as few shots as possible,” says Rory McIlroy. Then we see some various clips of his epochal brilliance, cut with him messig around and doing tricks as a kid. He reckons Hoylake his biggest achievement, but was more nervous in Valhalla. This was the key shot, he says:
“The winners just keep on coming for AP,” says Gary, sneaking up behind the man and patting his shoulder.
“Sport is holding your nerve,” says the golf intro - and golf is, probably more so than any other sport apart from perhaps darts, which quickly follows. Then a bit of cycling.
We’re onto Kelly Gallagher’s skiing now, and the partnership with Charlotte Evans.
“At the bottom of the run, I’m safe, but more importantly, I’m fast.”
“I’ve found a best friend.”
“When that punch landed, I did feel an enormous sense of relief and satisfaction ... more relief, he’s not gonna get up from that, no chance.”
They talk about his proposal, and he very sweetly redeclares his love. He really does seem a different bloke now, properly comfortable in his own skin - it’s actually quite moving.
Froch is on stage, saying his whole career was on the line that night at Wembley - and how odd that is, given what he’s achieved and that it’s sort of true. “For that punch that landed on George Groves’ career to define my whole career is special. I’m not the most special, I’m not the most talented, but there’s something in me that won’t quit.”
That zetz Carl Froch landed on George Groves still looks like it tickles.
What an interesting boxer he is, an adjustment to the classic “hit and don’t get hit”, rather “good at getting hit, good at hitting”.
Here’s Jonny!
And a few lines about Wilkinson and Burgess, with very little action.
And Dave Henson, the captain of the British team, receives the award. He jokes that it’s inappropriate to use the phrase “blown away”, but the team all were. “I’m like a proud dad,” says Harry.
We see a moving VT of various chaps talking us through what the Invictus Games mean to them, and they all ascend the stage to accept their award.
Prince Harry is on the stage, telling us about the inaugural Invictus Games, for wounded servicemen.
It’s time for the Helen Rollason award. What a lovely lady she was.
Jo Pavey probably won’t train on Christmas Day, but doesn’t want to appear unprofessional - unlikely, given her two medals at 40.
Graham McEllen is not chuffed. “Sam Burgess? Played one of the greatest seasons of ANY NRL player in its history. Left those shores this year with legend status confirmed after a year that brought at its pinnacle the double of Premiership winners medal and the Clive Churchill Medal despite breaking his cheekbone in the first tackle of the game!
· NRL 2014 Premiership winner
· 2014 Dally M Lock of the Year
· 2014 Clive Churchill Medallist
· 2014 RLIF International Player of the Year.”
Nor is he impressed by Ms Dujardin - and it’s curious, how rugby league is almost totally ignored these days.
And now we’re onto athletics and Jo Pavey - who says she’s run better as a result of having kids. She’s more relaxed, and “when you’re happiest, that’s when you’re going to achieve.” In-deed.
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“On our first date, I said ‘my horse comes first ... if you don’t like it, you know where the door is’. That makes it even more special,” she says of her significant other, Dean.
“They’re not just a horse, they’re your best friend ... you know each other inside-out.”
And here comes Charlotte Dujardin, unfurling another jumble of words set to atonal music and delivered like the news headlines, implying gravity and gravitas.
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Hamilton is thanking his team - and brought his dog, Roscoe, along. He’s flown in from LA, then trails his girlfriend’s show, tells us that he’s off on holiday, bows, and performs a face that’s designed to look self-effacing, and yet warm and confident at the same time.
Here comes Lewis, in tuxedo of crushed purple velvet. “How you doing, Glasgow, are you good?” he enquires, being a rock star after all. Wonder if he’ll try that in a local hostelry once the formalities are complete.
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We now discuss Michael Schumacher and Jules Bianchi, now into Lewis Hamilton’s monologue - he must’ve flown in from Monaco to be with us.
We’re now seeing athletics without seeing athletics, and some diving and stuff. And some BMX, and the bloody boat race. I mean, really.
They’re now advertising the rest of the programme, even though we’re already watching the programme because we know what the programme entails.
And the winner is ... Claudia Fragapane! She manages to avoid greeting, but only just, and thanks her parents. She’s absolutely kvelling, and well she might.
Our contenders for young sports personality of the year are:
Claudia Fragapane
Sophie Thornhill
Bradley Neil
And here we are at Wimbledon, and here’s Andy Murray, a former young sports personality of the year winner pm screen. And here come Nicola Adams and Ross Murdoch to present the aforementioned award, dragging dogs - and now, here’s some other dog puppet sat on Robin Cousins’ lap. Hilarity ensues.
Peaty beats his chest for no particular reason, it transpires, posits that maybe it gets the adrenaline going, but no definitive insights. Partly because the questions provide him with no such scope.
Broon shoes: yay or nae? The MBM says nae.
“My name ... is Adam.” And here he comes, to show that he can speak without a load of unnecessary bombast and full-stops. Another pleasant bloke.
More prepared poetry. “Here, I’m not so ordinary. I love to win.”
And off we nip to swimming, with Adam Peaty. “My name is Adam, I’m 19, I love my pals, my cars, my town, and on the streets, I’m just an ordinary teenager.”
There’s a pommel horse in the arena, which is where the Commonwealth hydro was. Are they going to make him perform in his get-up?
My days, he is a competent and pleasant chap. Experience inadequacy here.
We watch Max Whitlock brushing his teeth, because gymnasts have teeth too, and those teeth need brushing too. Some gymnastics, then more teeth brushing.
“It was astonishing, wasn’t it?” he’s asked of his Copa del Rey final goal - a closed question, as anyone who’s done the legal advocacy course will tell you. “It was just about winning the game,” he says - but with genuine sincerity. Then he and Gary exchange Spainish, because Gary knows Spainish, the urbane minx, and now we’re onto wa Commonwealth games.
And here’s Bale, live from Morocco, where Madrid are competing in whatever they call the World Club Cup nowadays. Gary asks him which was better, his goal in the Copa del Rey final, or his goal in the Champions League final. “Both of them, really.”
Now we’re hearing from Gareth Bale, another nice fellow, rhapsodising about dreams coming true. Ouch, on behalf of all of us.
Here’s the thing, here: this show used to take you through sport-by-sport, a review of the sporting year. Now, it’s built around contenders, with haphazardly-cut footage.
Seamless segue: we’re now all of a sudden at Wembley, seeing Arsenal win the FA, given two lines about the women’s season, and then onto Scotland. David Moyes has hands on his head, Steven Gerrard slips, and now some international footage, but with no structure.
Yarnold was identified as part of the Girls for Gold scheme, which tested those who fancied themselves as a sportsman of some sort to investigate what they could be good at. And here we are!
Here she comes, to a One Direction backing - she’s flown in from Lake Placid, where she’s won, despite the worry that the others might have caught her up. She’s very pleasant indeed, and has spent time visiting schools in the last year.
Sochi was like a tunnel, says Lizzy Yarnold, our first contender, who’s telling us about the tunnel she was in, and the light somewhere at the end, followed by other vague non-sequitur soliloquising. Dramatic and poetic in equal measure.
And we’re onto our Winter Olympics montage. So far, numerous angles that show us that there exist numerous angles, even if they’re not great for showing us what happened.
“What a night this promises to be.” Yes. Can it be, now, instead of just promising? Thanks.
“I’m sure you’re all going to make a noise,” says Gary to the audience, which is precisely why we’re all here. Gratuitious “SPOTY” mentions so far: two. Gratuitous inter-presenter bantz: two.
“Hopefully Gary’s voice will still be going.”
“<croaks> Yes.”
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Where’s Hazel? Here come Gary, Claire and Gabby. Harry, Prince of Wales is there in the front; incredible how lucky he is in the ballot. What’re the chances, eh?
Anyway, in the meantime, let’s consider our highlights of the sporting year. Here’s a belter to get you going.
We’re getting Jim Kerr, in tartan jacket, prancing along a stage. Evocative stuff.
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We’re being treated to a behind the scenes look at things. So, some corridors, mainly.
PLAY THE MUSIC!
So, who’s going to win? Imagine losing a personality contest to Lewis Hamilton ... ’s car. Surely that can’t happen. Surely. And the bookies say not - Rory McIlroy is 8/13 favourite to win The Famous Old TrophyTM. Anyway, at the end of the day, it is what it is - really, we’re all here for the bantz.
Preamble “Congratulations. Well done. Nice one, mate. Played sir, chap, fella, geezer. Buddy, mucker, pal. Dude.”
“Cheers, ta, thanks, much appreciated, appreciate it. Aw shucks, you shouldn’t, team effort, it’s nothing. I just threw it on.”
Add minor sports star involved in unfathomable novelty act, liberally sprinkled cringe, heaped spoonfulls of smug, and the finest sporting action on the planet, and you have some of the finest entertainment on the planet, a televisual feast to rival the BBC2 documentary about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s.
Here we go!
Kick-off: 8pm. Full-time: No one knowspm
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