Was there ever a more perfect job for one person than Rylan Clark-Neal hosting BBC1’s new sass-fest You Are What You Wear?
With his Blue Steel gaze, blinding smile, tailored togs and catwalk strut, ex-model Rylan was in his element as the series started on Thursday.
“Imagine the department store of your dreams!” he gushed. What, you mean, one with no crowds and a cafe?
This makeover show has taken the old Trinny/Susannah/Gok-type format and whizzed it up to modern day with a touch of Queer Eye style.
It has its own Fab Five – experts so nauseatingly trendy they could wear bin liners with belts and tea cosies on their heads and we’d all nod approvingly.
One by one “customers” with wardrobe dilemmas are de-frumped by whichever expert feels most enthusiastic about the job.
The other four laze on designer sofas and either completely ignore what’s happening or gossip about how their colleague is doing. “WHY has he put that jacket with those shoes?” etc.
Rylan’s first job is to lead the badly dressed hopefuls to the mirror of doom. OK, it’s just a normal mirror but they are encouraged to stare at themselves for a bit and reveal a sob story.
Most have a lack of confidence and Rylan expertly pats them on the shoulder and asks leading questions, like: “Do you feel like you’ve lost yourself?”
Then he packs them off to a stylist, who shouts things like: “Oh my Gaaaad! You’re SO beautiful, babes!” while Spice Girls music plays in the background. It’s all surprisingly emotional.
Unfortunately, probably as a result of lengthy conversations with the BBC’s legal department, there is no prodding and poking of bums or tums like we used to see.
Instead we have to make do with gentle chat about how white tees are “game-changers”.
They need layering, of course. I know this now because this show has made me an expert. The less said about my lockdown loungewear the better.
The whole thing is broken up with amusing skits of Rylan fawning over himself in the mirror, montages of celebs wearing these looks, just in case we weren’t convinced, and guru tips.
“Don’t follow trends… find your own style… always accessorise…”
Hang on, let me write these down.
In the end, I caught myself sobbing as one (fashion) victim concluded: “I look quite pretty,” and another felt “taller”.
With five carefully chosen experts forming their own manufactured style band, a host we love and big, joyful reveals – often in killer heels – this makes for tasteful telly and I am here for it.
