Twenty seven million pounds! And the government is going to double it. Well done everyone. Let’s hope we never have to do this again, for several different reasons. Stay safe.
Well, that’s it. The Big Night In has finished. And it was something. I’m pleased it existed, and slightly less pleased that I had to sit through all three hours of it – especially since it’s ending with that song that Gary Barlow wrote back when he really just wanted a knighthood. In a minute they’re going to show us how much they raised tonight, and then I’m knocking off.
And the Dennis Waterman character has been self-aware enough to point out that none of this is actually that funny. Plus there’s vomit. Everyone’s a winner.
And now – I think it has to be ending soon, so maybe this is the finale – for a Little Britain reunion. Lucas and Walliams are filming it at home, and they don’t have the costumes, so they’ve made them out of pasta and cardboard and wool. And they’re self-aware enough to be incredibly jumpy about their ‘I’m a lady’ sketch.
It’s just a videocall between the pair of them, and neither of them are trying very hard, and it’s probably the best part of the night.
Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon now. Rob Brydon has family photographs behind his webcam. Meanwhile, Steve Coogan has all his awards behind his webcam.
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How are stand-ups coping at home? Glad you asked. Here’s Jason Manford doing a set about how he’s getting fat. And Rosie Jones doing a set about how her mother didn’t want her to become a hairdresser. And Dane Baptiste doing a set about how his mum cooks food. And so forth. It’s quite good! It’s given the extroverts something to do! That’s really nice for them!
Another ‘money can’t buy’ prize now! Want to win a car? Want to win a car that costs £60,000? Well now you can! Remember, money can’t buy this prize! Unless you have £60,000, because then you can buy it, because that’s how much it costs. They said how much it costs. They made the number go really big on the screen and everything. But money can’t buy it.
But, hey, now it’s time for People Just Do Nothing, which is the closest this show has come to the Budweiser ‘Wazzzzap’ advert so far.
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The Big Night In is now broadcasting footage of deserted streets and beaches and playing fields and cities in a tribute to people who have died of the virus. I might be too close to it – my family is going through exactly this at the moment – but it hit hard. I’ll call my dad tomorrow.
We’re back with Steven Fry (and all his books), and Dame Judi Dench (and all her CDs) and Rochelle Humes (and all her framed pictures of doors) and David Walliams (and all his own books). They’re giving us practical information about how to deal with the coronavirus. I have forgotten to relay any of them all to you. I am sorry.
Now for Joe Wicks and his YouTube PE lessons which are demonstrably too difficult for most children. We’re being shown outtakes, where he does less and less exercise and then orders a pizza.
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Now for Peter Kay, eating a Mivvi and introducing his (Is This the Way to) Amarillo remake, where members of the public (and Tony Christie, and the dog from CBBC and a man dressed as an elephant) march on the spot. It’s intercut with scenes from the original video where nobody keeps a safe distance from anyone, and it’s all very stressful.
I tuned out for a minute there – Bear Grylls is trying to walk to the moon, I think – but now there’s a film about how this is affecting those living with mental illness, and I’ve snapped back awake again.
A Bad Education segment now. Bad Education was a sitcom about a struggling secondary school teacher. Turns out that he was actually quite rich all along, given that he has an ACTUAL SARCOPHAGUS in the corner of his living room.
While someone I don’t recognise sings a song, here’s a two-thirds-done assessment of The Big Night In. Considering all the constraints it has faced, it’s actually pretty good. The funny bits have been quite funny and the sad bits have been devastating. More than anything, though, it’s incredible that this whole thing has been pulled together so quickly. If you can donate, then you really should. You can do it here.
Now there’s something called The Big Night Spin Challenge, where professional athletes spin around ten times and then try to do their sport. It was mildly diverting, but then immediately followed by a very serious warning about how you definitely shouldn’t try to do it inside. It was the sort of tonal lurch I can completely get behind.
Next: Matt Lucas is singing his song about potatoes backed by an orchestra. And it’s quite beautiful, even though I’m almost completely convinced that the violinist is performing from his toilet, and also has violins hanging in his bathroom. Which is weird.
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Now for another ‘money can’t buy’ competition. Little Mix are offering the amazing prize of A BAG OF FLOUR. Oh, wait, no, they’re going to do a videochat with a fan. They’re really missing a trick with the flour thing, to be honest.
And now for exactly the same thing, but with Doctor Who. They’re all in plain rooms except for Matt Smith, who appears to to live in some sort of crypt. A crypt, for crying out loud.
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But instead, the cast of EastEnders are doing a virtual pub quiz. In character. From nice houses that don’t look like anything like any of the houses in Albert Square. And they’re all doing a really good job of not mentioning how they have all definitely tried to murder each other several times in many different horrible ways over the last few years.
After the weird, but well-intentioned, informercial for O2, it’s time for a film about the effects of social isolation on families with members who were already seriously ill. It is heart-wrenchingly sad, and I’ve never needed a badly-performed straight-to-webcam humorous monologue by a comedian who was famous 20 years ago more.
And here’s Paddy McGuinness, looking more and more like the guy from Eminem’s Stan video. He’s introducing Romesh Ranganathan’s Lockdown Diary, in which he eats food, forces his children to sign his books and has minor difficulties doing videochats.
Now Dave Grohl is being interviewed, saying that he had very little to do with any of this but he’s happy with the results. Dua Lipa, meanwhile, has a painting of a mountain on her wall.
Anyway, as I was saying, I now base all my musical appreciation around the Gal Gadot Imagine medley. This song is all in time and in key and it doesn’t make me want to torch the houses of everyone richer than me, so with that in mind I give it a 6/10.
Hang on, Tim Cook has said that Apple won’t make any money from this. So 6.5/10.
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It isn’t bad. But that’s largely because I base all my....
Oh wait, there’s a rap about FaceTime in it now.
OK, it’s *quite* bad.
Now for the Radio 1 Live Lounge version of Times Like These by Foo Fighters, starring Ellie Goulding and a number of people I don’t recognise because I’m 40 this year and honestly I’m just so tired all the time.
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I wonder what’s happening on Narcos.
Here’s Catherine Tate and David Tennant – both in carefully chosen nondescript rooms – making jokes about droplets and flattening the curve. It’s perfect viewing for people who remember what comedy was like 15 years ago. Remember when Tony Blair said ‘Am I bovvered?’ to her? Remember that?
The sketch ends, as the Miranda sketch did, with some lip syncing to a power ballad. Is this a thing? Is this what people do now? Am I out of loop? Have I lost my relevance? I suddenly feel simultaneously too young and too old.
Baker and McCall’s replacements are Zoe Ball and Paddy McGuinness. Ball has side-stepped the red/yellow divide by wearing black and white and McGuinness has bleached his hair. And he’s shouted ‘CHEERS GEORGEY BOY’ to St George. If nothing else, Paddy is a lovely reminder of what life was like when all we had to worry about was Brexit.
Matt Baker and Davina McCall are clocking off now. Meanwhile, I am still here until 10pm. I am three times better than Matt Baker and Davina McCall.
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The clapping bit just happened. Notes from my road: barely any claps, but I think someone let off a cannon. I hope that helps.
Before Clap for Carers, here’s a Blackadder sketch starring Stephen Fry and Price William. Guess how many books Stephen Fry owns. The answer is A Lot of Books. Prince William is not a natural performer.
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The Strictly Come Dancing Dancers have been teaching children how to dance, and now there is footage of people doing the dance. Naturally, Ed Balls is one of the children. Naturally, Ed Balls is doing the dance out in the street, where everyone can see him, in the desperate hope that someone will see him out of their window and shout ‘GANGNAM STYLE’ at him, so that he can do a thumbs up at them.
Now: Strictly Come Dancing. Tess Daly’s house has too many colours in it.
Oh, there was a prize. The prize is a haircut. To people who just had their hair cut.
Remember those families who shaved their heads? They have now shaved their heads.
FAMILY ONE: some of one woman’s hair has sort of been cut, but it’s still quite long.
FAMILY TWO: a man has had some of his hair cut off, but not all of his hair cut off.
FAMILY THREE: Bald lady!
The bald lady wins. The prize is imaginary. The segment is over.
Weird, but well-intentioned, informercial for HSBC over, it’s time for a film about how your money will help those who rely on food banks for survival. Good job the government is matching public donations for a three-hour charity telethon that is only on television for one night, isn’t it?
I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE VIDEOS ALREADY, GREG JAMES. THIS IS HOW I AVOID MY CHILDREN.
And now it’s time Greg James basically just sharing funny videos from his phone. Please, someone, make a vaccine.
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Incidentally, Dawn French has good wallpaper and no books. And this is easily the best part of the night so far. For the most part your tolerance for tonight depends on your tolerance for humorous monologues. Mine is quite low, but this isn’t bad.
Now for the much-anticipated Vicar of Dibley comeback. Dawn French has made a bra out of Easter Eggs and is making masturbation jokes. It is 7:38pm. This is terrific.
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Davina just announced that the government is matching donations tonight. Which, you know, IS ITS JOB.
Do you think this is how Sam Smith approaches cookery? Do you think they just leave their oven empty and pile up their chicken and chips on the floor? Honestly, the gall.
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Hang on. Sam Smith has PILES OF BOOKS on the floor. What’s going on? Sam, you have SHELVES. You have SHELVES that are WOEFULLY UNDERUTILISED. I’m pleased that you’ve given your time to sing a song on the telly for charity but, please, thing about using this time to entirely rethink your attitude toward book placement. My entire equilibrium depends on it.
And now for a song. Sam Smith is singing Lay Me Down from Lockdown. Sam Smith has bookshelves, but not many books. One of their shelves just has a candle on it.
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Weird, but well-intentioned, informercial for Just Eat over, the hosts are now reading messages from viewers. Birthday wishes, thank yous to supermarket workers, hellos to children who should be in nursery. It’s really sweet. I’d send a message to my dad, who I miss, but I’m 90% certain that he’s watching Narcos at the moment.
Competition time now. David Walliams is currently writing a book. If you win his competition, he’ll name a character after you or someone you know. If your name is Phil Mabumhole, I cannot overstate how much you really, really have to enter this competition.
Oh, they’re just cutting their hair off.
And now the hosts have found a bunch of families who are going to shave their heads for, I guess, charity. I’m not sure how this bit works, to be honest. There are three families. Are they all going to shave their heads at the same time? Is there going to be a competition? If there is going to be a competition, are the people who shave their heads the winners or losers? This is a level of uncertainty that I refuse to cope with.
What’s happening now is this: the cast of Miranda are sort of flapping about on their webcams and lip-syncing to power ballads. So there we are.
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First big entertainment of the night is the return of Miranda. It is, as Miranda always is, Fleabag for Aunties. But let’s talk about Miranda Hart’s decor. There is a large upcycled sign that reads (I think) ‘LOUD’ and what appears to be three pumpkins with faces drawn on them. They are Miranda’s Wilsons.
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No, wait, Matt Baker’s tie is yellow. Lenny Henry is outnumbered here. This is going to end in tears.
I’ve noticed an interesting colour coding going on here. Lenny Henry, the Comic Relief guy, is wearing Comic Relief red. Davina McCall, the Children in Need woman, is wearing Children in Need yellow. There is a red Please Donate sign jostling for position with a yellow Please Donate sign. Clearly, there is a deep rivalry going on here. This is worth keeping an eye on. Especially since Matt Baker, the untrustworthy sleeper agent, has opted for a dark suit. Whose side is he on? Is he on anyone’s side? Will he end the night by loading all the donations onto a truck and driving off to his private lair? Let’s wait and see.
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Oh wait, no, they’re in The One Show studio. Pudsey’s been furloughed, everyone is standing miles away from each other and there’s barely any crew. There’s no studio audience, so everything is incredibly low energy. Honestly, I have no idea what this thing is going to be like.
Lenny Henry, Davina McCall and Matt Baker present from a darkened void, which is a little bit tonally on the nose for my liking, but whatever.
And here we go. What could possibly be better than a Big Night In? Apart from a Big Night Out. Or a Crap Night Out. Or a Crap Day Out. Or just Out. But, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.
We’re also promised ‘money can’t buy’ prizes tonight. In the before times, this might have been a meeting with a celebrity or some rare signed memorabilia. However, if they really want the big bucks tonight, they should think about offering something truly special like A NICE PINT IN A PUB or TIMPSONS REOPENING FOR FIVE MINUTES SO I CAN GET SOME KEYS CUT or GIVING MY DAD AN AWKWARD HUG. I would basically empty my bank account for one of those things right now.
Now, obviously this won’t be a normal liveblog, because my liveblogs tend to be an unbroken stream of all-caps screaming about how rubbish everything is, which doesn’t really seem all that fitting for a charity fundraiser taking place against the backdrop of a global pandemic. But at the same time, it can’t just be a plain description of whatever is happening on television, because it’s boring and you’re already watching it. So my compromise – and I think it’s a good one – is to commit to sustained and aggressive interior design critiques. I can’t be mean about anybody’s intentions, but you can bet your left nut that I can be mean about their choice of lampshade. That sounds like a deal, doesn’t it?
Welcome!
Hello and welcome to The Guardian’s Big Night In live blog. Over the next three hours on BBC One, the twin charity titans that are Comic Relief and Children in Need will be joining forces to raise money for local charities and projects in the UK, so they can continue to provide emergency support during these difficult times.
Tonight’s lineup – hosted by the likes of Lenny Henry, Davina McCall and Matt Baker – includes The Vicar of Dibley, Steve Coogan, Doctor Who, Little Britain, Dave Grohl, Chris Martin, Sam Smith, Olly Murs, Joe Wicks and Mary Berry. What they will all be doing, nobody knows. There will be laughter. There will be tears. There will probably be a bit where an elder statesman of British television doesn’t realise that he has left his Zoom running and says something profane and defamatory about one of his peers. It could be great. It could be a well-intentioned trainwreck. We will have to keep watching to find out.
I’ll be back here when the show kicks off at 7pm ...
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