So that’s over with …
Thank you for reading. I can set aside my loathing of this broadcast, my loathing of myself, and you can set aside your loathing of me for having spent two hours being sarcastic about a terrible TV show. We can all get on with our lives and go and do something less depressing instead.
Rod 2!
He obviously he said that if he was going to turn up for this he was damn well going to play last and he was going to get two songs. Nice to hear that Steve Sidwell’s got a career outside football conducting the BBC Concert Orchestra, too. I wish Rod had picked something other than Sailing for his second song, though I suppose everyone knows it. When he played Hyde Park in the summer he played a set with loads of stuff he rarely performs – it was truly wonderful to hear him sing In a Broken Dream. I know he’s been panto for years now, but anyone who thinks Rod was never an artist should be forced to listen to his 1969-74 recordings until they beg to be forgiven for their wrongness.
Rod Stewart!
But he’s plugging his new album, unfortunately. Voice sounding a bit thin here, Rod. No sooner did I write that than he hit that falsetto. Shame on me.
British artist of the year!
It’s Adele. We know it’s Adele, BBC. You had it on your website earlier. Which rather kills the suspense of the evening. Rod! Funniest line of the night, when asked by Fearne about his new album. “Eh? It’s BRILLIANT.” It’s not. It’s really not. But I love Rod, so he can say what he wants. I just pray he’s doing an old song for his performance.
Faithless!
Faithless last entered the UK singles top 10 with Mass Destruction in 2004. They last entered the top 20 in 2005 with Insomnia. BUT their last remix album, Faithless 2.0, entered the UK charts at No 1 in October 2012. Mr Wiki informs me it sold “12,098 copies, the second lowest for a number-one album in UK chart history, beaten only by Rihanna’s album Talk That Talk, which sold just 9,578 copies when it returned to number one in August 2012”.
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Years and Years!
I enjoyed Mistajam’s assertion that both Reading AND Leeds wanted to book them. Amazing how those two events end up with such similar bills, isn’t it? You’d almost think they were the same festival in two different places. Nice to see some interpretative dance on stage. Why can’t the BBC bring its best pop property into play and have Legs and Co dancing with the acts? They might not be as mobile as they used to be, admittedly. But those people were good enough to interpret the work of John Lennon the week after he died. You don’t forget that kind of skill and knowledge. They could manage Years and Years doing King.
Jack Garratt!
Gets the BBC Introducing award. Having already won the Brits critics’ choice award. Would have been nice if they could have given it to someone different – this really does underscore the fact that this event is the BBC trying to pretend that just because it doesn’t have the right to broadcast the Brits doesn’t mean it, too, can’t do an awards ceremony that doesn’t half drag. Nice to see they’ve rented an eighth of Kanye’s Glastonbury lighting rig for him, mind.
Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbot! And the Shires!
It’s hard to dislike any of them. But I’m not sure this captures British music in 2015. Heaton and Abbott’s label has been throwing its weight behind them – I get more calls from their publicist at Virgin EMI about them than I do about any of the other acts he works on. It seems a slightly odd choice of priority act, but never mind. This performance captures the big problem of this show: it’s trying to be Radio 1, Radio 2 and old fashioned light entertainment all at the same time, with the result that it can’t please the people who like any of them.
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The next award!
Is going to … Hozier. That’s right, the song of the year for 2015 is a single that was released in 2013. At least he turned up, eh?
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Greg James
Genuinely, I am gawping at this routine. It’s like watching a small child convinced they can do calculus, then presenting you with a sheet of paper covered in drawings of daisies and demanding “Aren’t I good at maths?!” And the follow up on stage is like overhearing four people who have nothing in common at an office party, but are condemned to talk to each other because they don’t know anyone else. We’ve all been there. We just don’t broadcast it on BBC1 in primetime.
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Controversy!
James Bay and his Trademark Hat are clearly playing Hold Back the River in a pointed criticism of the government’s failure to improve flood defences in the north west. You tell them, James!
James Bay!
Do you know why he wears that Trademark Hat? Because he’s got Voldemort growing out of the back of his head. Really.
Will any winners turn up?
We’re halfway through the show, and as yet not a single winner has turned up to collect their award. Admittedly, that’s only two awards, which makes this the most sluggishly paced music awards show in history.
Next performance!
It’s Jess Glynne doing Hold My Hand, with another COMEDY GOLD introduction from Chris and Fearne. Is there something in the British public mind that means they can only accommodate one personable girl-next-door redhead at a time, for Jess Glynne’s ascension has coincided exactly with Katy B’s absence. Or maybe Radio 1 had redhead quotas.
And this award is going to be won by …
*Consults crystal ball* Adele at the BBC! Of course it is. She’s got better things to do than be here, mind. Like clean her toilet, cancel her milk order, sort out her direct debits. Still, the BBC rolled out the red carpet and cleared the schedules to get Adele on that special the other week, and they damn well want you to know about it.
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Brian May …
Doesn’t look overjoyed to be there, does he? He looks as if someone’s just told him the BBC’s been slaughtering badgers backstage.
Is it insult dead stars night on the BBC?
That’s the only reason I can think of for these “Brummieoke” interludes.
OMI!
He takes to the stage after the most laboured set-up you’ve ever heard. Which also involved one downright lie: the assertion that Fearne Cotton was presenting brilliantly. To be fair, even she looked shocked by that. OMI’s already trying out his Christmas cardie, which is nice.
Another cynic speaks …
This is making Fox/Fleetwood look like Frost/Nixon #BBCMusicAwards
— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) December 10, 2015
“Give it up for Little Mix!”
You’re on. I’m going to give up smoking. Well, I’m going to try.
It is not true …
That Taylor Swift organised a tour of Australia specifically to avoid having to be part of a plug for Citizen Khan. And Taylor’s main observation on the award is that it is “really heavy”. AND PRESTIGIOUS, TAYLOR, PRESTIGIOUS!
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Good to see …
The BBC using this opportunity to plug its own shows. Please let them get Paxman on to present an award as a plug for University Challenge.
The first award!
We already know who won it. Taylor.
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Hozier!
I was wrong about Take Me to Church. It wasn’t released last year. It was released in 2013. He must be so sick of singing this now. I’ve haven’t heard it a fraction as often as him and I’m sick of hearing it. Always seems like a nice lad, though. His real name is Andrew Hozier-Byrne, so why didn’t he pick Byrne for a stage name, instead of something that you might get in a specialist underwear store?
And that …
Is exactly the tribute Frank Sinatra would have wanted. Just like John Lennon would have wanted to be commemorated by Legs and Co.
‘Are you ready for the Stereophonics?’
Do I have to be? Kelly’s voice sounds awfully odd, doesn’t it? Like he’s swallowed a vaccuum cleaner and is trying to turn it off with his epiglottis.
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Florence …
I thought she was amazing on the telly at Glastonbury. But I don’t think Lionel Richie expressing his amazement that someone could both write and sing songs is that great a tribute, really?
The sound
I’d wondered if it it was just my telly, but I note that on telly everyone is complaining about the sound. The presenters sound as if they were recorded on a dictaphone from the far end of a milking shed, don’t they?
Ellie Goulding!
She’s “flying the flag for British music”! She “can’t stop having hits!” But is she any good? I think we know the answer to that one, don’t we?
BBC v the government
A montage of clips designed to show the BBC’s artistic breadth and justify the license fee. The highlight of which was seeing Taylor Swift say “Thank you, Norwich!” And yet, still, the best musical thing on the BBC is still 35-year-old editions of TOTP.
A crucial question
From CaptainBlack in the comments: “Having watched TOTP 80, a crucial question has occurred to me. Just how much rabbit does Sainsbury’s have anyway?” More to the point, why did the BBC pack the studio with people wearing rabbit masks for Chas & Dave’s performance? It was SINISTER.
The view from the cynics
Best of luck to Swell Maps, Bogshed and Tad tonight. #BBCMusicAwards
— Justin Lewis (@Mumbler3) December 10, 2015
Why …
has Chris Evans kept his coat on? Is he not planning on hanging around? God knows, I wouldn’t be.
One Direction launch the show!
One slightly hysterical headline has announced: “Harry Styles Wears Flared, Striped Pants To BBC Music Awards & Fans Are Freaking Out”
Optimistic, perhaps?
Chris Evans has just asserted that the Genting Arena, on the outskirts of Birmingham, is “the centre of music’s universe”. Which ranks with Van Halen telling the audience at the Lewisham Odeon in 1979 that Lewisham was “the rock’n’roll capital of the world”.
To get you in the mood!
Here’s a picture of one of tonight’s star performers, who capture the excitement of British music right now! Stereophonics! Bear in mind, please, that you can turn off the TV, ignore the liveblog, and go to do something else entirely – watch trees turn into coal, perhaps – whereas I am stuck here for two hours.
The excitement is almost palpable …
It’s not, though, is it? Meanwhile, TOTP is ending with the No 1, John Lennon’s Just Like Starting Over, sent to the top after his murder. It’s being “interpreted” by Legs and Co dancing, with animal tails dangling from red dresses. It’s what he would have wanted.
Meanwhile on TOTP
We just had the Specials performing Do Nothing. Now Gary Numan’s on. He just got his pilot’s license, Simon Bates informs us. At this point, he was living just down the road from me, but I never saw him. Numan, not Bates.
Awards news
Foolishly, I had rather assumed this event was actually live. But it’s a delayed broadcast, and the BBC has already announced the winners. Which seems a bit foolish. So I’m just going to be snarking at the performances. Here is the list of winners …
British artist of the year – Adele (she didn’t turn up)
International artist of the year – Taylor Swift
Song of the Year – Hozier: Take Me to Church
BBC live performance of the year – Adele at the BBC
BBC Introducing award – Jack Garratt
While we wait …
It’s Top of the Pops 1980 on BBC4, which has opened with The Beat performing Too Nice to Talk To, and Dave Wakeling sporting Soviet army uniform. #problematic, as we might be inclined to say if someone pitches up at the Genting Arena in Birmingham tonight in, say, North Korean military uniform.
Some nominees for you
Here’s what’s up for song of the year …
Ed Sheeran – Bloodstream
Ellie Goulding – Love Me Like You Do
Hozier – Take Me To Church (1)
Jason Derulo – Want To Want Me
Jess Glynne – Hold My Hand
Major Lazer & DJ Snake feat. MØ – Lean On (2)
Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars –Uptown Funk
OMI – Cheerleader (Felix Jaehn Remix)
The Weeknd – Can’t Feel My Face
Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth – See You Again (3)
(1) It’s from 2014!!!!
(2) Spotify’s most streamed track!!!!
(3) YouTube’s most viewed video of the year!!!!
Hello, good evening and welcome!
In years to come, people will look back at this evening and ask: “Is it true the BBC looked at the Brits and decided that would the nation needed was another awards ceremony celebrating the mainstream and the commercially colossal, held just a couple of months before the other event?” And they will ask: “Is it true that the BBC felt that one of the awards the BBC decided to present was one for best appearance on the BBC?” And they will ask: “Is it true that they had an awards do that only presented four awards?” And they will ask: “Is it true that to qualify for song of the year, your song had to be one of the 10 most played on the BBC in 2015, meaning Hozier’s Take Me To Chuch, a song that came out midway through 2014, could qualify?” And they will ask: “And is it true that Prince could be on the shortlist for international artist of the year, despite not having played very much at all and not released an album?” And the answer to all these questions will be yes. And people will say: “And the BBC expected people to watch two hours of that? Presented by Fearne Cotton?” And the answer will be Yes. But you also got to see Faithless as well.
