When Roy Hattersley failed to appear on Have I Got News for You in 1993, they replaced him with a tub of lard because it was “liable to give much the same performance and imbued with many of the same qualities”. Tonight’s second leaders’ debate promises (fingers crossed) to descend into similar farce given that David Cameron has decided not to take part. Where is that tub now? Perhaps it can be taken out of retirement to be a stand-in as the prime minister, along with a tub of low-fat spread as deputy prime minister Nick Clegg (who also can’t make it)? Or maybe two inflatables, like the autopilot in Airplane?
We have a better idea. Cameron won’t be there, so you can play him for one night only – filling in with his responses from home. We’ve prepared stock answers to shout at the screen in response to the other leaders’ barbs, with some helpful tips on body language. Emily Maitlis can’t stop you!
Natalie Bennett (Green): When are the Tories going to admit the truth, that they’re privatising the NHS, dismembering it for profit like a bunch of dingos with a beloved pet kangaroo or something?
You (Cameron): (Shake head to suggest how affronted you are at the suggestion, resolving into an imperious, ideally statesmanlike, glower at the Green party leader) Eight billion pounds extra funding for the NHS every year until 2020. Pensioners aged 75+ guaranteed same-day access to a GP. Seven-day-a-week surgery services. (Stop to sip water, implicitly suggesting your list of commitments is so long you’ve nearly dried with all the detail) Privatisation? I don’t think so. Sensible measures. Properly costed. The good lady’s party should try that some time (Shuffle papers on lectern, tilt nose 45 degrees and look triumphantly at the man with the glasses in the third row).
Nicola Sturgeon (SNP): I was raised somewhere tough and Scottish, so I’m not going to take any nonsense from an effete Sassenach jackanapes about Trident. It’s a waste of money and irrelevant to Scotland’s defence.
You: (Look mock baffled. Reply as if you’re addressing a small child) The world we live in, Nicola, is very uncertain, very dangerous. There are nuclear states and one cannot be sure of how they will develop. North Korea. Iran. And to a lesser extent the Faroe Isles. In that kind of world, I want Britain to be protected by something more than (Look down at lectern, giggling softly, perhaps even wipe tear from one eye) Nicola Sturgeon’s ancestral claymore.
Nigel Farage (Ukip): There’s only one party that’s going to keep Britain free from hordes of grasping former communists from eastern Europe tooled up with rusty old hammers and sickles, coming here to live on benefits and raising Lithuanian-speaking babies. And it’s not the Conservatives. Only Ukip believes in Britain.
You: (Smile to yourself knowingly, shake your head sadly, ideally with a slight smirk at one corner of your mouth) The Britain I believe in doesn’t pull up the drawbridge. It gets stuck in, punches above its weight in the world, fights to make Europe better. That’s the Britain I believe in. Strong in Europe, not weak outside it. (Chuckle knowingly) The Britain Nigel Farage seems to believe in is afraid of (Pause for comic effect) multilingual babies.
Leanne Wood (Plaid Cymru): I don’t actually believe that the prime minister cares about Wales at all.
You: (Pause significantly. Look straight into Leanne’s eyes and say without hesitation, ideally in the sexypants baritone of a young Tom Jones) Fi erioed wedi clywed y fath nonsens yn fy mywyd.* (As applause breaks out, nod sagely and hold up your right hand in statesmanlike “high five” gesture.)
Ed Miliband (Labour): Britain’s broken and what does David Cameron do? Cuts inheritance tax. That may be OK for the Cayman Islands, but Britain? Hell, no.
You: Total nonsense. (Look briefly into camera, but not for as long as Miliband, because that’s weird) I’ve got a message for the people of Britain tonight. Yes, we’re going to remove inheritance tax for homes worth up to £1m. Not because we are for the rich and powerful, but because (Look misty eyed) that wish to pass something on is about the most basic, human and natural instinct there is. Call me old fashioned –I just believe in hard-working British families. (Sweep imaginary Brylcreemed forelock from forehead and stare imperiously into the middle distance) Maybe Ed Miliband doesn’t.
Leanne Wood: What about the little kiddies and their futures? I don’t believe he cares about the children, especially Welsh ones.
You: Look you, Leanne. I’m a parent. And one thing I know about being a parent is that being a parent is all about the children. Nurturing them, tousling the little tykes’ hair in a non-threatening, CRB-checked way. You see, I believe in the best for our kids and their futures which, as Leanne rightly says, is what it’s all about ultimately. And that’s why we’ll create at least 500 more free schools with enough places for 270,000 children. Some of them in Wales.
Natalie Bennett: Affordable accommodation is beyond many of our young people today. And what’s the prime minister’s answer? Another Thatcherite sell-off of the dwindling stock of homes available for reasonable rents. Shameful.
You: (Serious face) Look. Housing association tenants will be given the full right-to-buy discount. What the good lady doesn’t seem to realise is that (Look misty eyed again) owning your own property and passing it on to your children is about the most basic thing you can do as a parent. I make no apologies for that.
Miliband: The truth is that David Cameron’s party thinks as long as we look after the rich and powerful, we will all be OK.
You: (Steely glare at Miliband) Utter nonsense. This is what my party will do when we form the next government. No increases in VAT, national insurance contributions or income tax. Number of hours of free childcare for working parents of three- and four-year-olds doubled to 30 hours a week during term-time. And we’ll pay for that by reducing tax relief on pension contributions for those earning more than £150,000. Do these policies help the rich? Hell, no. They help everybody. The truth is we’re all in this together. Yes, (Allow yourself a slight, humanising smirk) even George Osborne.
* Translation: I have never heard such nonsense in my life.
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