Anyway, that’ll be us - happy Christmas, ah freilichen Chanukah and season’s greetings one and all.
Night.
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Full-time: Bayern Munich 3-0 RB Leipzig
A devastating, chilling, uplifting, depressing performance from Bayern. Leipzig created one chance at 0-0, but that aside, they played with creativity and conviction, taking their nearest challengers apart. They go three points clear at the top of the league, and it’s hard to see them not winning it again; the question is whether they can win the European Cup.
Leipzig, though, have still had an incredible first half of the season, are still in the hunt, and will be better for that experience. They also did well to keep at it, when folding probably seemed like the easiest option.
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90 min There shall be 0 added minutes.
90 min Is Thomas Muller a luxury player? I know his minimalism is brilliant, but given the players in the Bayern squad, and the goals from everywhere, why do they need a bloke who only scores?
88 min Bayern come again, Lewandowski skinning Orban on the outside and slipping back for Bernat, whose shot is blocked by Bernardo.
87 min Alonso slides a pass through for Ribery, who shmices a shot that his near post and bar, bouncing down on the line. Thiago is then first to the loose ball, but can’t quite force it over the line.
86 min Bayern win a free-kick 25 yards out, just right of centre. Costa fancies it, and uncoils into a ferocious curler that’s close to the top corner. But Gulacsi has read it, so is there to punch away.
84 min Suddenly, somehow, Selke lanks clear through the middle with Burke sprinting and contorting to stay onside. But for reasons known best to himself, he checks back inside rather than send his pal through one-on-one; perhaps he thought he was offside. Whatever his notion, he is promptly disabused of it after losing the ball.
83 min Credit where it’s due, the noise from the home end has been constant pretty much all the way through the game.
82 min Oliver Burke replaces Marcel Sabitzer.
80 min Costa has victimised Halstenberg tonight and he’s at it again, easing around the back. His cut-back is firm, picking out Bernat, in ridiculous quantities of space inside the box, and he takes aim, slapping a shot low shot that’s blocked clear.
78 min Backhanded compliment of the year.
Second change for #FCBayern: @JuanBernat replaces Austrian Player of the Year, @David_Alaba! #FCBRBL 3-0 pic.twitter.com/yjW6gbc4Vb
— FC Bayern English (@FCBayernEN) December 21, 2016
77 min Poulsen fools Alonso with a drag-back behind the leg and is fouled. That’s all I’ve got.
76 min Bayern do some passing, Leipzig do some funnelling sideways and backwards.
74 min Final throw of the dice for Bayern: Kimmich, formerly of Leipzig, replaces Vidal.
73 min As you might have inferred, things are rather quiet at the moment.
71 min On that Rooney point, when assessing his greatness, it’s generally forgotten that twice he dragged teams to the brink of the epochal, and twice he got injured. Some chancer once discussed that, and other points, here.
69 min “Your bog-bound wine-fest applies a much lighter tone to that damn match” tweets Booboo. “Rooney’s last as a world class footballer.”
Hmmm. He certainly wasn’t the same after it, but he was still pretty handy in 2011 - the West Ham hat-trick and European Cup final goals, say.
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68 min Follow that Gunnersaurus.
#Berni brought some #FCBXmas luck for that penalty... not that @lewy_official needed it of course 😉 🐻 🎅 #FCBRBL 3-0 pic.twitter.com/fzC0Drbw9q
— FC Bayern English (@FCBayernEN) December 21, 2016
67 min Bernat replaces Alaba.
65 min Just outside the box, right of centre, Lewandowski squares to Ribery then nashes onto the return that takes him one-on-one with Gulacsi. Again, he could square but again he does not, trying the chip and zetzing the keeper punkt in the coupon.
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64 min “Rote Grütze - like most traditional foods - should be home made,” tweets Sam O’Leary. “But Germans, sadly, buy Dr Oetker everything instead.”
I imagine that was what my gran was giving me, though with added raspberries. There was some custard affair that came on special occasions - I was always suspicious as to whether or not it was kosher, while enjoying it.
63 min “As a spectacle, it’s really ruined the game, the red card.”
62 min This has actually been a really good second half effort from Leipzig. Bayern have still dominated, but they’ve not found the same joy out wide.
59 min Change for Leipzig: Selke on for Werner.
58 min Beautiful from Thiago, not suitable for David Moyes’ Manchester United but somehow quite useful in the event. He weaves and ducks away from Sabitzer, who hauls him down and is booked.
56 min Leipzik win a free-kick in the centre-circle and through men forward, then pump the ball to the right of the box. Vidal, though, is up like a vilde chaye, sticking a stiff forearm in Poulsen’s fizog and conceding a free-kick; he’s booked. From the corner, Leipzig work the ball to the edge of the box, and Sabitzer shoots, Martinez extending a leg to send the Neuer the wrong way and the ball behind. This time, the corner comes to nowt.
54 min Leipzig have barely been out of their own half. I wonder what score they’d take; 5-0?
52 min For all their dominance, Bayern haven’t made that many chances, but here’s one now, Costa finding Lewandowski on the left of the box with a perfect reverse pass. He could square for Ribery but goes for goal instead, sliding straight at Gulacsi.
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51 min With the game near enough over, we can focus on more important matters: my gran used to make me rote grutze. Can one still by that gear, or does it need to be homemade? Should it be homemade in any case?
50 min “Doing him with the eyes.”
133 – @lewy_official (@FCBayernEN) scored his 133rd #Bundesliga goal, leveling Giovane Elber. Cold. #FCBRBL pic.twitter.com/R93cKjjIqP
— OptaFranz (@OptaFranz) December 21, 2016
48 min Presumably Keita, Leipzig’s best player this season, has been saved from aggravating the injury which nearly stopped him starting. Anyway, Costa and Thiago - probably the best two players on the pitch - combine, and the latter crosses for Lewandowski, who leaps and leans on Orban. But the defenders does enough, conceding a corner which comes to nothing.
46 min Off we go again, and there’s a change apiece: Ribery replaces Robben, and Kaizer replaced Keita. Those have got to be the most aurally pleasing substitutions of all-time.
Someone once cracked me on a bus and asked me if I wanted any more. I felt silly saying no thanks, so I said I didn’t mind, so he gave me another, and then another, until I changed my mind.
Leipzig are back out early, having convinced themselves they want some more.
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Arf.
3-0 to Bayern. Bring on the half-time whistle. #FCBRBL
— RB Leipzig English (@RBLeipzig_EN) December 21, 2016
But I mean, what a half from Bayern. They have absolutely wasted Leipzig with a proper do you even know who you’re messing with display. It doesn’t happen often, but here we have an opportunity to legitimately use the word “awesome”.
Half-time entertainment, apropos of more or less nothing.
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Half-time: Bayern Munich 3-0 RB Leipzig
This will have to be quite a team-talk. Down to ten, against a brilliant side playing brilliantly, Leipzig might want to sneak off to the pub.
45 min There shall be one added minute.
GOAL! Bayern Munich 3-0 RB Leipzig 0 (Lewandowski, 45)
Lewandowski looks left, then as Gulasci flings himself that way, curves his shot the other. What a half this has been!
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PENALTY TO BAYERN!
43 min Oi vey iz Leipzig! Hummels drives a delicious pass for Costa and Gulasci runs out to meet him; was that really necessary? As the ball bounces, Costa gets past him on his right, allows himself to be caught, and the visitors are in so very, very much trouble.
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42 min Douglas Costa is such a player. He stands up Bernardo then flip-flops past him before laying back for Lewandowski, who smacks wide.
39 min Although it’s down the wings that Bayern have threatened, it’s because they’re too much for Leipzig in midfield. Vidal, Alonso and Thiago have pretty much everything you need, and they’re so much more dynamic than the two lines of two lined up against them.
37 min Bayern look like they’ve eaten a Marioland mushroom. They’re going to score again in a minute, and as I type that Robben appears outside Costa on the left, slamming a cross that Gulasci just about fields.
35 min “Every match at the Allianz for years” tweets Ursos Actos of our Clockwork Orange chumsies. Glad I’ve noticed until now.
34 min Leipzig need to keep the heid here, else they’re going to get seriously pagga’d.
33 min Sickboy Hummels goes up looking to head clear and is absolutely bodied by Keita, charging in. He’s booked.
31 min This game is, like, so over.
RED CARD! FORSBERG IS SENT-OFF!
From the second corner, Bayern break like billy-o, Lahm nashing down the left. But the even quicker Forsberg catches up, imparting studs to Achilles where a playground trip would suffice. In fly the red shirts, but the promised set-to sadly fails to materialise, and then the ref sends off an unfathomably indignant Swede.
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29 min I was just about to surmise that this game was over, and then Leipzig won a corner down the right, drilled to the near post. And somehow, Orban was there unmarked at the near post, thunking a header that Neuer pushed behind.
28 min “Least pleasant sacrifices?” tweets Juvenitre. “Does choosing to live in Turin for 3months in the mid-90s count? Did get to meet @acjimbo, I suppose.”
That new ground looks a belter though.
GOAL! Bayern Munich 2-0 RB Leipzig (Xabi Alonso, 25)
Orban plays a silly ball to to Keita, just ahead of him in deep midfield and Vidal snaps in, finding Lewandowski. Skirting by Forsberg, he squares for Thiago - the pass is actually behind his man, a problem quickly resolved with a brilliantly dextrous stepover. He then moves the ball on one more for Xabi Alonso, who rolls a finish into the far corner, It turns out than an expensively assembled team of serial winners are quite good after all; who knew?
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23 min Leipzig simply can’t get close to Bayern down either flank. This time, Robben finds Thiago ahead of him, and though he runs the ball out of play, there’s nothing to suggest that another similar situation won’t be around in a minute.
23 min So far, this game is a complete vindication of Carlo Ancelotti, who has managed his squad for precisely this effect in precisely this kind of game.
21 min Leipzig are rocking, Costa sashaying inside and outside a befuddled Bernardo, whipping over a cross that a flustered Halstenberg knocks behind with no one anywhere near him. The corner comes to nithing.
20 min It is entirely amazing that people are still doing this.
That's right, it's Mats! Your thoughts on the new look? 👱 @matshummels #FCBRBL pic.twitter.com/ou9ugrKsAU
— FC Bayern English (@FCBayernEN) December 21, 2016
19 min Suddenly, it’s all Bayern, and they come down the right again a cross eventually ending up on the other side of the box at the feet of Douglas Costa. He smacks a hard, low drive, which cracks the near post and shoots behind.
GOAL! Bayern Munich 1-0 RB Leipzig (Thiago, 17)
Lovely from Robben, nudging inside and reversing a ball back outside for Lahm. He takes a touch then aims a cross at the near post, where Lewandowski was quicker than Forsberg to flick against the woodwork, and set up an open net for Thiago; he runs it in with his, er, midriff.
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15 min More pressure from Bayern, Bernanrdo marshalling as Vidal shoots before Keita blocks and Orban cleans up.
14 min Costa injects some of the aforementioned pace, springing inside and past Sabitzer and around Ilsanker before pulling bcak a cross that Gulasci fumbles, only for Orban to hack away for a corner which comes to nothing.
12 min Both managers are wearing respectable big coats, Ancelotti a buttonalicious carpet-fabric affair and Hasenhüttl a binliner mini-puffa-style number.
10 min Already, they game is in a pattern, the sign of two sides who know what they’re about. Bayern pass then look for quick switches and sudden injections; Leipzig sit deep then look for quick switches and sudden injections.
8 min Leipzig win a corner down the left, swung in by Forsberg and Poulsen jumps with Neuer, but is penalised.
7 min Bayern knock it about at the back, perhaps trying to slow the game after Leipzig’s injection of pace. Hummels then hits a long one in search of Douglas Costa, whose control lets him down.
5 min Weird, weird, weird. Half a block of Bayern fans has people dressed in white to spell out . T ...
@DanielHarris Every match at the Allianz for years
— ursus arctos (@ursus_arctos59) December 21, 2016
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4 min Leipzig announce themselves, Sabitzer sliding Werner screaming down the right to roust over a low cross that Pulsen makes a mess of.
2 min Bayern get it right to Robben, who draws Halstenberg towards him before bursting inside and over a leg. He doesn’t get the anticipated free-kick.
1 min Already, both sides are getting players around and close to the ball, in and out of possession respectively. This could be an absolutely brilliant scrap.
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1 min The challengers get us underway.
There will now be a silence to commemorate those killed in the Berlin atrocity.
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The players are upon us, and the microphone allows us to hear the chat at toss-up. All seems pleasant.
I once went to a European away game against Bayern. For reasons which escape me, my flight only got in 90 minutes prior to kick-off, which forced me to disarm a bottle of wine or two in, er, a place one doesn’t usually do such things. Feel free to send in the least pleasant sacrifices you’ve made for the sake of your football team.
A bunch of Bayern “fans” are wearing gold foil ponchos. Not everything about German football culture is worth having.
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Did you see that dept:
The last time a promoted side won the Bundesliga:
One of many things about which they know in Germany: how to build a decent new ground. Compare the selection to what they managed in Brazil for the World Cup, or in England over the last 15 years. The Allianz is proper, and will be absolutely jumping tonight.
Club Twitter accounts are the best. In case you were wondering:
#NeuerTheWall #FCBRBL pic.twitter.com/krB1y0UriR
— FC Bayern English (@FCBayernEN) December 21, 2016
But go on, I’ll bite. Is Neuer the best in the world? Six months ago I might have gone for De Gea, whose reactions are like nothing I’ve ever seen, but he’s been less good this season than anyone deigning to be the best can possibly be. Which leaves us with Lloris, Oblak, Buffon and Dibble, I guess.
Foreign language hilarity: in English, “die Rotten Bullen” sounds like an insult.
#DieRotenBullen are warming up at the #AllianzArena! Just under half an hour to go! 🔴⚪️ #FCBRBL pic.twitter.com/bYyhYwOYww
— RB Leipzig English (@RBLeipzig_EN) December 21, 2016
Talking of Robben, I remain deeply partial to this goal.
Who's behind today's #AdventCalendar 🚪? Only the 🌍's 🔝 goalkeeper, @FCBayernEN's Super-@Manuel_Neuer! Enjoy some of his best saves ✋👊👇🔴 pic.twitter.com/NBHFHzSQcj
— Bundesliga English (@Bundesliga_EN) December 21, 2016
To get you in the mood, this is good by Raf Honigstein on Chris Waddle and his one trick Arjen Robben and his one derivative trick.
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Anyway, back to the teams, the headline news is that we’ll have to wait a little longer for our next bout of R&R; Robben starts but Ribery does not. He replaces Muller, and Rafinha drops out for Lahm.
RB, meanwhile, are unchanged - Keita and Halstenberg are both fit.
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Mean as.
.@David_Alaba has his game face on as he prepares to make his 150th #Bundesliga appearance for #FCBayern. #FCBRBL pic.twitter.com/oLMsV6amgy
— FC Bayern English (@FCBayernEN) December 21, 2016
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T-Birds and Pink Ladies
Bayern Munich (an uncomplicated 4-3-3): Neuer; Alaba, Martinez, Hummels, Lahm; Alonso, Thiago, Vidal; Robben, Lewandowski, Costa. Subs: Ulreich, Ribery, Rafinha, Bernat, Muller, Kimmich, Sanches.
RB Leipzig (an arriviste 4-2-2-2): Gulasci; Halstenberg, Orban, Bernardo, Ilsanker; Forsberg, Sabitzer; Keita, Demme; Werner, Poulsen. Subs: Müller, Khedira, Burke, Schmitz, Kaiser, Davieselke, Kalmár.
Referee: George Courtney (Spennymoor)
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Preamble
Upstart club comes from nowhere to battle the bullying behemoth of the Bundesliga; why it’s the feelgood story of the season! Except, of course, football being football, Brexit meaning Brexit and tautology being tautology, it isn’t; it is what it it is.
Anyway. In 2009, a 5th Division club formerly known as SSV Markranstädt were bought for the advancement of some drinks brand or other, their name was changed to RB Leipzig GmbH, and suddenly, in 2016, they’re in the race to become champions of Germany; financial doping gives you wi-i-i-ngs. Merry Christmas!
Except, of course, it’s not as straightforward as that; it rarely is. For a German side to compete with Bayern Munich is more difficult than is healthy, a reality that they mercilessly exploit. Leipzig are the rival that they earned, the Tony to their Philly, the Marlo to their Avon, the Bane to their Batman. But, more than that, they bring happiness to their city and have shaken up a league that needed it.
Anyway. Now we’ve done the obligatory - and it is obligatory - we can enjoy some sumptuous, succulent, beautiful football for we are weak and poorly. Leipzig play a brilliant, adventurous, fearless, inventive, youthful style - they have been coached just enough. They’ve broken more or less every record for a promoted team, and should they win tonight, they will go into the winter break as league leaders.
Munich, meanwhile, have been less good this season than for sometime. To work properly, Pep Guardiola football needs Pep Guardiola - and, as it’s turning out, a whole lot else besides. But the cuddly laissez-faire of Carlo Ancelotti has not yet hit the spot. Ancelotti would argue that he’s been deliberately rotating his squad, on the basis that they need to be fit and grooved, not in autumn but in spring. He might be right, but even if he is, the guns are out, the white wine spritzers are in, and the big coats are away. It’s time.
Kick-off: 7pm GMT
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