Baseball is almost a quarter of the way into its regular season while the NFL is the dead middle of its offseason, yet football still dominates the headlines. The quarterback of the New England Patriots playing a role in the under-inflation of footballs more than three months ago is getting more coverage right now than anything Bryce Harper, A-Rod, the competitive Cubs or the unstoppable Houston Astros have done all season.
It can be disheartening for “America’s pastime” to always be in the shadow of football, America’s one true religion, but this latest instance is less about which sport is more popular than it is a story of baseball failing to market its strengths again. Because if the country is enthralled by ball tampering, as it peculiarly seems to be, baseball boasts the greatest to ever do it: Hall of Fame pitcher Gaylord Perry.
Tom Brady and the Patriots continue to deny they did anything wrong. Gaylord Perry not only admitted to throwing a spitball during his 22-season career, he wrote a trolling book - before “trolling” was even a term - titled Me & The Splitter: The Candid Confessions of Baseball’s Greatest Spitball Artist (Or How I Got Away with It) in 1974, smack in the middle of his prime.
Brady has been suspended for four games and is rumored to be assembling a high-priced legal team to sue the NFL. Perry didn’t even get ejected from a game for cheating until near the end of his 21st season in the majors, nine years after writing a book about his cheating ways.
The NFL is changing how game balls will be handled before games. Before the 1968 season baseball banned pitchers from going to their mouths even if they then wiped off their hand. Perry and other spitballers adapted by hiding foreign substances on their person. After Perry’s book came out in 1974, baseball allowed umpires to rule any pitch that moved suspiciously to be a ‘spitball’. The first instance was ruled a ball, the second resulted in an ejection. An ejection without any evidence blows The Wells Report’s strong circumstantial evidence out of the water.
During Perry’s career, both an ump and an opposing manager ran up and snatched his hat off his head during games, hoping to find all manner of illegal substances fall out. Can you imagine the reaction if something similar happened to Tom Brady during a game? If Ed Hochuli or Rex Ryan tore Brady’s helmet from his head, pantsed him or plowed into a huddle to look for a deflation needle? National news networks would break into regular programming.
Everything the NFL is doing now, baseball did before - and better. Let’s tell Gaylord Perry’s story to a new generation. Let’s encourage today’s pitchers to re-embrace the spitball. Baseball can slip past the NFL in the ball tampering news. We just need to lube it up with some Vaseline.
Quote of the Week
It’s hard.
Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, the Icelandic actor who plays The Mountain on “Game of Thrones,” on hitting a baseball.
Björnsson spent some time in the cage with the Phillies this week and it didn’t go particularly well. He didn’t hit one over the fence, which is unfortunate because Björnsson looks very much like 1998 Mark McGwire and likely could crush baseballs like eyeballs if he was taught the game - and the Mountain is far from the only GOT character with baseball potential.
Jon Snow as the handsome leader of the frozen North is essentially Joe Mauer. Jaime Lannister is part of a successful, self-important family and has no arm; Matt Holliday plays for the St Louis Cardinals and can’t throw. Tyrion Lannister is every scrappy, undersized middle infielder with intangibles. And we all know that Daenerys Targaryen’s dragons are eventually going to come in as closers and spit fire. Throw in the fact that George RR Martin and Bill James look like brothers and Game of Thrones is baseball’s best marketing vehicle in years.
October is coming.
Stat of the Week
400 – Miguel Cabrera hit the 400th home run of his career on Saturday night, pushing him past Andres Galarraga for the most all-time by a player from Venezuela. Barring injury, Cabrera will also pass Galaragga for career hits and RBI this year. Ozzie Guillen’s record for most profanities uttered by a Venezuelan player, however, will never be broken.
This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That’s Better Than Your Team
Shin Soo Choo, OF, Rangers – 15-for-32, 3 HR, 5 RBI
Denard Span, OF, Nationals – 12-for-26, HR, 5 RBI, 2 SB
Erick Aybar, SS, Angels – 10-for-18, RBI
Chris Owings, 2B, Diamondbacks – 12-for-22
Matt Barnes, P, Red Sox – 3 innings, 1 strikeouts, 2 wins, 0.00 ERA
John Danks, P, White Sox – 14 innings, 10 strikeouts, 1 win, 1.93 ERA
CC Sabathia, P, Yankees – 14 innings, 14 strikeouts, 2 wins, 2.57 ERA
Reader Twitter Question of the Week
@DJGalloEtc in an effort to make the game less boring, do you think the players should rotate positions each inning like in volleyball?
— Some Asshole (@MoorishDignity) May 17, 2015
First off, we in the baseball fan community don’t refer to the sport as “boring”. The correct term is “classically slow.” Second, this is the greatest idea ever.
Imagine Cardinals first baseman Matt Adams having to play an inning at shortstop and another in centerfield. Or Diamondbacks catcher Gerald Laird having to play any position other than one in which he just crouches in a stationary position. National League fans like to talk about the extra strategy involved with having pitchers hit; rotating positions would be a strategy extravaganza. Swing away or drop bunt after bunt down the third base line in the direction of Delmon Young? And when do you put your players in their ideal positions? Do you want Matt Adams at first in the ninth inning? The ninth inning might be irrelevant if he fails to get to 12 ground balls hit three-feet to his left or right in an earlier inning.
Baseball has been fixed and it’s all thanks to volleyball.
Now we just have to make volleyball less boring. Maybe give the players baseball bats?
Phillies-ness of the Week
Alright, Phillies. Gather around and take a knee. OK. Now listen up. What are you guys doing out there? Five wins in a row? This is unacceptable. One or two here and there is okay. It’s not preferred, but mistakes can happen. But five? Five in a row? Under no circumstances is that okay.
Last Tuesday you had the worst record in baseball. Now? You’re 5.5 games out of a wildcard spot. You’ve given people hope. Hope! You know what hope does? Yes, Cole. Hope that you’ll be traded gets you out of bed every day. But that’s not what I’m referring to here. Please don’t interrupt me again. OK, where was I? Oh, right. Hope. Hope is bad, okay? Hope keeps Ruben Amaro employed. If this team takes a positive turn, it’s only negative for the franchise. You guys needed to bottom out this year. You need to go for 110 losses. 115. 120. You needed to make it 100% clear to ownership that Amaro has ruined this franchise and had to be fired. If you keep up this winning, you’ll stay in striking distance of a wildcard spot. Then Cole won’t get traded. OK, no need to cry, Cole. And not only will Cole not get traded, but Amaro will deal the one or two decent prospects you have in the minors for some veteran pieces at the deadline in a futile attempt to win it all. So this winning stops now, OK? Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now. These five wins better be the longest win streak you have this year or your entire season will be a disaster. Now get out of here and play terribly. And someone get Cole a tissue.
Cubs World Series Odds: On the Rise!
The Cubs have won six of seven, Jon Lester has been one of the best pitchers in baseball this month and Kris Bryant has decided it’s time to start hitting home runs in the majors, with four in his last eight games. The Cubs are even getting breaks, not something regularly associated with team that have title droughts of more than 100 years.
baseball is hard. poor Gregory Polanco. http://t.co/qqBmOus3FB
— Sam Cooper (@SamDCooper) May 15, 2015
The Chicago Cubs are a good team. Yet if they win the World Series, most people will still react like Gregory Polanco on that pop up.
A-Rod-ness of the Week
Rodriguez continues to crush the ball with three more home runs this week to give him 10 on the season. He’s now just five RBI short of tying Barry Bonds for fourth all-time and only 29 hits away from 3,000. If A-Rod keeps up his current pace, he’ll reach 3,000 hits on June 23rd, a home game. So the Yankees are going to have to figure out how to not acknowledge one of their own players reaching 3,000 hits at Yankee Stadium. You have five weeks, Yankees. Five weeks to prepare for the most awkward silence ever.
10 Things I Think I Thought I Thought
1. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has fired manager Mike Redmond after a 16-22 start. The standard cliche is that you fire the coach because you can’t fire the players. Cliches are lazy and, in this case, far from accurate. When it comes to the Marlins, you fire the manager because you can’t fire the owner.
2. The Marlins will likely make their usual calls for a new manager -- Jack McKeon or some random guy no one has ever heard of -- but why not try a new approach that could also boost the franchise’s traditionally horrible attendance? Have one lucky fan selected at random at every home game manage the team for the day. Or, better yet: just hand the job over to the Marlins Park outfield home run sculpture. It’s large. It’s hard to look at. It’s overpriced. It gets animated a few times a game and then reverts to just sitting there. It’s basically a baseball manager already without the title.
3. Tough break for Braves starter Shelby Miller to lose his perfect game in the bottom of the second inning on Sunday when he walked Marcell Ozuna of the Marlins. So close! That’s the kind of near-miss that has to gnaw at a pitcher forever.
4. If American Pharaoh wins the Triple Crown, it will be interesting to see if stat heads claim Mike Trout still had a better year.
5. Prized Mets rookie Noah Syndergaard made the first home start of his career on Sunday and had this to say before the game: “It’s gonna be in front of the greatest fans in baseball, and in an unbelievable stadium, so I’m really looking forward to that.” So now you know I wasn’t lying when I said that Noah Syndergaard had never previously pitched at Citi Field.
6. Exciting news! I’ve decided when it’s okay for players to break baseball’s unwritten code and celebrate and show emotion. When players I dislike or players playing against my favorite team celebrate and yell and pump their fists and jump around, it’s classless. When everyone else does it, it’s fun and great for the game. Please update your unwritten rules to reflect this, baseball. Thanks.
7. Hunter Pence is back from his broken arm and he looks as awkward as ever. I was afraid that he’d heal in a way that would make him throw, run and swing in a traditional manner - kind of like a modern take on the movie Rookie of the Year. But nope. He still looks like he never played baseball before. What a relief!
8. I’m still annoyed that Cleveland manager Terry Francona took Corey Kluber out on Wednesday night after the eighth inning when he had 18 strikeouts and a shutout going against the Cardinals. Kluber deserved a chance to go for 20. Also, we all deserved a chance to criticize Francona for riding his ace too long if Kluber fell apart in the ninth inning or got hurt. We were robbed of that opportunity.
9. Louisiana-Monroe and Louisiana-Lafayette played Rock, Paper, Scissors during a three-hour rain delay on Friday night. Sure, it looks like good, clean fun, but has anyone asked who supplied the players with their imaginary rocks, papers and scissors? The Sun Belt Conference might have a real imaginary boosters problem.
10. Mad Men blew a chance for a memorable series finale. The Mets had popped up earlier in the series. Why not have the entire Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce clan decide to take in a game at Shea? Laughs, smokes and drinks could be had, while the feeling of loss and hopelessness that pervaded the entire show’s run would still be there thanks to the Mets. And then in the final scene, Don could hook up with Mrs Met in an equipment room, only to have her giant fabric head go up in flames when she rolls into his cigarette. That is a memorable finale. Sometimes I think Hollywood doesn’t even understand what art is anymore.
