FIFAPOCALYPSE
Events are beginning to spiral dangerously out of control at the dystopian wasteland that was once the headquarters of Fifa, JG Ballard House. Lights flicker, windows shatter, melted foie gras streams down the walls like water. A dead dog turns on a spit. The seven presidential candidates announced today – Prince Ali bin al-Hussein of Jordan, Uefa general secretary Gianni Infantino, Liberia FA president Musa Bility, Asian Football Confederation president Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim al-Khalifa, former diplomat Jérôme Champagne, South African businessman Tokyo Sexwale and Uefa president Michel Platini - roam the building carrying socks full of coins. They’re all prepared to administer a cotton and cupronickel shock upside the head if needs be.
The former Trinidad and Tobago international David Nakhid was conspicuous by his absence from this running pack. Turns out he’d failed to make the grade on a technicality, and was last spotted tearing down a corridor screaming while working ten-centime coins out of his ear canal with a rusty knife. Platini meanwhile had been previously locked in the naughty cupboard under the stairs, but escaped thanks to fellow captive Sepp Blatter, who this morning smashed the door down and has since been barrelling around the penthouse suite on all fours, growling aggressively and spraying his territory like a feral cat. He’s acting up like this partly to retain a slim chance of staying on as president – “If God is with me, I’ll be back, this is my dream!” – but mainly to drench the hopes of Platini with one long hot, yellow, soupy blast.
Blatter has claimed that it had been decided in 2010 to give the 2018 World Cup to Russia and the 2022 tournament to the USA before any vote was taken. “And so we will have the World Cup in the two biggest political powers,” he told Tass, the Russian news agency which makes Pravda look like the 1970s Washington Post. However this wheeze fell apart when Platini began proselytising for Qatar, a tactic which took some European support away from the States. “If the USA was given the World Cup, we would only speak about the wonderful World Cup 2018 in Russia and we would not speak about any problems at Fifa,” Blatter insisted, oblivious to the jets of fire belching from the taps in his executive bathroom.
Accusing everyone at Uefa, and especially Platini, of suffering from “envy and jealousy” and an “anti-Fifa virus”, causing them to team up with “the Swiss” to “create this attack towards Fifa and the president of Fifa”, he stood up on his hind legs and unleashed a blood-curdling war cry. “You cannot destroy Fifa! Fifa is not a commercial company! Fifa is working well! Since I became president of Fifa, we have made Fifa a big commercial company!” But before this rococo logic could be placed under any sort of meaningful scrutiny, Blatter heard the ominous jangle of coins, either outside the door or inside his head. Either way, he was taking no chances, and scuttled off down a disused lift shaft to lie in wait before the next round of skirmishes.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Follow Liverpool 2-0 Bournemouth in the Milk Cup fourth round tonight at 7.45pm with Scott Murray.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The level was too high for the young players. They are not ready to play at this level” – Arsène Wenger explains his Arsenal side’s 3-0 defeat at Sheffield Wednesday on Tuesday.
“I maybe brought too many experienced players here” – Arsène Wenger expla… hang on, what?
FIVER LETTERS
“Am I led to believe from yesterday’s Fiver letters that all-time leading Blackburn Rovers goalscorer and general fag & pint hero Simon Garner is an expert on indie rock? Move over Pat Nevin, there’s a new man in town” – Karl Berry.
“I see that there was a panic at Anfield after a man went missing in the stadium yesterday afternoon. I’m wondering if I even need to bother finishing this - but was it Adam Lallana? (Other available punchlines include Joe Allen, Kolo Touré, Dejan Lovren, Tiago Ilori, Lazar Markovic and Mario Balotelli)”– Simon Cherry.
“A follow-up question to Flavio L’Abbate’s query in yesterday’s Fiver letters. If the portakabins at Barnsley are sufficiently effin’ tall to require a ladder to get someone down, how exactly did a Tin-addled Tyke fan get up there in the first place?” – Derek McGee.
“I suspect there are not 1,056 others as sad as me, writing into point out that the photo used to illustrate Celtic’s ‘low rent Royal Rumble’ is not actually a photo of a Royal Rumble at all. It’s a photo of the Wrestlemania II Battle Royal, which featured NFL stars competing against WWF wrestlers, and was won by Andre the Giant. A Battle Royal can have any number of participants, all of whom must be in the ring at the beginning of the contest. The Royal Rumble, on the other hand, is a type of battle royal, where two participants begin in the ring, and the reminder enter at regular intervals thereafter (usually 30 total participants, entering at two minute intervals)”– Stephen Yoxall (and no others).
“Re: yesterday’s Bits and Bobs, I was previously unaware that Pep Guardiola had been managing a team in Berlin (I assume FC Union, rather than Hertha, given that he’s a skinny trouser-wearing hipster). I can only assume that to be the case, because if he’s actually in Munich then he’s probably as likely to be sick of currywurst as Slaven Bilic is of haggis” – Ciaran.
“Steve Allen (yesterday’s letters) is correct when he says he is no financial whizz. He is no Google whizz either. There is no other side to a P&L account, I reckon he is thinking of an Income Statement. Perhaps he should start using Bing” – Andy McLellan.
“Please add me to the list of pedants re: Steve Allen’s “financial whizz”. On the off chance that no-one notices he surely meant ‘financial wiz’ unless he’s referring to bankers pi$$ing away everyone’s money” – Geoff Allen.
“I see Musa Bility has declared his candidacy for Fifa president. Surely his brother Eligi was a far more suitable choice?” – Norrie Hernon.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Stephen Yoxall.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
David Squires offers his take on a spooky weekend ahead in the world of football.
BITS AND BOBS
Picture editors at Guardian Towers still haven’t figured out how to fit only seven faces into a rectangular template, after David Nakhid was withdrawn from the eight-strong list of candidates to become Fifa president.
FC United of Manchester: “We don’t want to move our FA Cup tie against Chesterfield to a Monday in order to accommodate TV for entirely justifiable and understandable reasons that fairly reflect the feelings of our fans and the very point of the existence of the club.” The FA: “Tough.”
Massimo Cellino isn’t having any of his Football League ban, no siree.
Jürgen Klopp will hand academy trio Cameron Brannagan, João Teixeira and Connor Randall their full Liverpool debuts tonight in the Milk Cup. “Brannagan is a great young guy. I like his style. He’s strong, he’s clear, he’s cool,” the German schmoozed.
Wellington Phoenix, third in the A-League, are not deserving of a long-term licence, according to the FAA’s chief suit. “On any metric they’re not performing at a level that we would like for the growth of the competition,” huffed David Gallop.
The Republic of Ireland have named a provisional 39-man squad for their Euro 2016 play-off with Bosnia and Herzegovina: David Forde (Millwall), Shay Given (Stoke), Keiren Westwood (Sheffield Wednesday), Darren Randolph (West Ham), Rob Elliot (Newcastle), Richard Keogh (Derby), Marc Wilson (Stoke), Seamus Coleman (Everton), Cyrus Christie (Derby), John O’Shea (Sunderland), Alex Pearce (Derby), Shane Duffy (Blackburn), Ciaran Clark (Aston Villa), Paul McShane (Reading), Stephen Ward (Burnley), Greg Cunningham (Preston), Robbie Brady (Norwich), James McCarthy (Everton), Jeff Hendrick (Derby), Darron Gibson (Everton), Harry Arter (Bournemouth), Eunan O’Kane (Bournemouth), Theme Pub O’Fiver (Fiver Towers), Glenn Whelan (Stoke), Paul Green (Rotherham), Aiden McGeady (Everton), James McClean (West Brom), Alan Judge (Brentford), Anthony Pilkington (Cardiff), David Meyler (Hull), Jonathan Walters (Stoke), Wes Hoolahan (Norwich), Robbie Keane (LA Galaxy), Shane Long (Southampton), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich), Kevin Doyle (Colorado Rapids), Anthony Stokes (Queen’s Celtic), David McGoldrick (Ipswich), Adam Rooney (Aberdeen), Simon Cox (Bristol City).
STILL WANT MORE?
Who was the first person to apply for a job on the basis of their Championship Manager CV? The Knowledge has the answer.
Gerard Houllier has been blindfolded, spun round three times and taken to meet the Secret Footballer for a chat. This is the result.
Abby Wambach: the numbers don’t come close to telling the full story, writes Meredith Bennett-Smith.
“A lot of the boardrooms are old-school and chairmen don’t tend to give enough opportunity to black guys, even for an interview” – John Salako talks to Ed Aarons.
GOALS! GOALS! GOALS! (of the week).
“When you consider that the financial allegations against Blatter are actually less morally repugnant than the human rights ones against Sheikh Salman … well, what are you really saving your depth charge for? Megatron to get through to the second round on a bye?” Marina Hyde, ladies and gentlemen.
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