Barnaby Joyce has responded to a list of “serious demands” he act upon before a satirical website endorses him as Australia’s next deputy prime minister with a call for Powderfinger to reform.
The member for New England is understood to be angling to be the next leader of the National Party, which would make him the deputy prime minister.
The Betoota Advocate made its requests on behalf of “the sentiments held by our newspaper, our readers and the residents of the Australian Outback” in an open letter published on Facebook.
“As we are the most-read regional newspaper in Australia, you should be very aware of the role The Betoota Advocate plays in the Australian political landscape,” the post says.
“In other words, we will be the ones who decide whether or not Malcolm Turnbull chooses you.
“After spending months talking with our readers and visiting every single CWA branch in the country, we have compiled a list of conditions that you must agree to before we can give Malcolm the go-ahead.”
Among them were that Joyce quit smoking; appear as the only man on a panel of feminists on the ABC’s Q&A; and stop Malcolm Turnbull “from pointing at everyone with his folded, square-frame glasses”.
The minister for agriculture and water resources responded in kind in a post to Facebook on Friday afternoon.
“I am currently on leave but have taken time out to respond to your serious demands,” he began.
In response to a demand a statue of Powderfinger’s lead singer, Bernard Fanning, be erected in Brisbane Joyce said “Powderfinger should reform and write the next national anthem”.
He agreed to appear on a feminist edition of Q&A if Courier Mail journalist Renee Viellaris was host and the guests included acting opposition leader, Penny Wong, who recently dismissed him as “entertaining but erratic”.
“The topic no doubt will be the problems with Real Politik and the tragic recent fall from grace of Germaine Greer and Barry Humphries with their lightning bolt from left-field condemnation of the emasculation of the general dialogue by political correctness. The ABC will claim that the audience is 50% male and 50% female no matter what you may otherwise deduce.”
In response to the Advocate’s order that he “MUST be able to drink an entire schooner glass of XXXX Bitter faster than Tony Abbott put away a pot of Pure Blonde”, he said he was “practising on the beer thing”.
He said the Advocate’s editors were welcome “with a little notice” at his home, “the Hollywood Hills of Music City”.
Of the Country Women’s Association, he wrote he was – and would always be – “in continual observation and probation from this clandestine society”, given his wife and mother-in-law are members and his grandmother was a regional representative.
He also expanded on how the Advocate’s proposal that cartwheels would be allowed back into Australian primary schools might work in practice.
Joyce concluded with what could be interpreted as a bribe.
“Upon the eventual demise of the written press in favour of continual loops of Jersey Shore and Keeping up with the Whatever’s, the Betoota Advocate shall reign supreme as the global purveyor of the eternal truth.”
Read the Betoota Advocate’s letter, and Joyce’s response, in full below.
An open letter to Barnaby Joyce from the Betoota Advocate
Mr Joyce, it has come to our attention that you are within a very good shot of being chosen as the next Deputy Prime Minister of Australia.
This also means that you will become acting Prime Minister in the winter months of each year.
As we are the most-read regional newspaper in Australia, you should be very aware of the role The Betoota Advocate plays in the Australian political landscape.
In other words, we will be the ones who decide whether or not Malcolm Turnbull chooses you.
After spending months talking with our readers and visiting every single CWA branch in the country, we have compiled a list of conditions that you must agree to before we can give Malcolm the go ahead.
They represent the sentiments held by our newspaper, our readers and the residents of the Australian Outback. They are as follows:
- You MUST come good on your promise for a live interview with The Betoota Advocate before April this year.
- You MUST quit smoking.
- You MUST stop Malcolm from pointing at everyone with his folded, square-frame glasses.
- You MUST agree to be the only male on an entirely feminist ABC Q&A panel. Tony Jones will be replaced Clementine Ford and the entire audience will also be female.
- You MUST Stop the Mosque in Betoota.
- The moment Malcolm Turnbull leaves the country, your first priority will be implementing a nation-wide ban on the AFL.
- You MUST sign off on the proposed 200-foot statue of Bernard Fanning on the Kangaroo Point cliffs.
- You MUST remove Dutton’s mobile phone privileges and tell Julia to stop death-staring at people in airports.
- You MUST make your family home available to our editors during their visit to the Tamworth Country Music Festival.
- In accordance with the wishes of our farmers, you must also sell Melbourne, and relocate all proceeds into the Department of Agriculture’s Drought Relief Assistance Scheme.
- You must be recorded using the words “South-West Queensland” at least 45 times in all media appearances over the course of 2016.
- You MUST work with the Minister of Education to allow cartwheels back into Australian Primary Schools, as well as refereed boxing.
- You MUST introduce an Outback Queensland team to the NRL.
- You MUST be able to drink an entire schooner glass of XXXX Bitter faster than Tony Abbott put away a pot of Pure Blonde.
- And lastly, you must make an appearance to the 2016 Betoota Races & Gymkhana.
It’s not too much to ask, Barney. And it’s not negotiable.
Barnaby Joyce’s response
Dear The Betoota Advocate
I am currently on leave but have taken time out to respond to your serious demands.
I will only go on Q&A if Courier Mail journalist Renee Viellaris is the host and the guests include Penny Wong. The topic no doubt will be the problems with Real Politik and the tragic recent fall from grace of Germaine Greer and Barry Humphries with their lightning bolt from left field condemnation of the emasculation of the general dialogue by political correctness. . The ABC will claim that the audience is 50% male and 50% female no matter what you may otherwise deduce.
I am practising on the beer thing and who told you about the occasional gasper?
Came from south west Queensland yesterday was in South West Queensland on Wednesday and I shall endeavour to catch up with lots of South West Queenslanders while at the Mooloolaba Surf Lifesaving Club in the next two weeks.
Powderfinger should reform and write the next national anthem.
All are welcome, with a little notice, at the Hollywood Hills of Music City for the Country Music Festival. However strict vetting will happen on all iPhone tunes after three complaints.
As for the CWA, as my wife and mother in law are members and my grandmother was a regional representative, I have been, am, and always shall be in continual observation and probation from this clandestine society.
Death stares will be made illegal before all bouts at the Tamworth PCYC. Julie Bishop will be the third umpire on this issue and referrals will be made on a phone donated by a current prominent Federal Member of Parliament with something to do with immigration.
All cartwheels are to be immediately returned to gateways and ramps where they shall be tied back to the fence as a rustic statement of bucolic pride. Additionally, children shall do compulsory cartwheels prior to arrival of all guests above level of president of P & C.
Upon the eventual demise of the written press in favour of continual loops of Jersey Shore and Keeping up with the Whatever’s, the Betoota Advocate shall reign supreme as the global purveyor of the eternal truth.
