Full-time: Barcelona 7-0 Valencia
A tight, tense, unpredictable match comes to an end. Valencia are still in the tie and only need to win the second leg 8-0 to reach the final. Thanks for reading this farce. Bye.
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There will be a minimum of two more minutes of misery for Valencia.
Can Gary Neville register himself?
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GOAL! Barcelona 7-0 Valencia (Suarez)
Suarez has his fourth, lashing in a neat pass from Arda Turan. Neymar still hasn’t scored. Embarrassing.
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GOAL! Barcelona 6-0 Valencia (Suarez)
A hat-trick for Messi and now a hat-trick for Suarez, who heads in Vidal’s cross at the far post. Neymar must be feeling left out. Bit awkward.
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Full-time: Everton 3-0 Newcastle
A solid win for Everton, who go 11th, and more problems for Newcastle, who are still in the bottom three with 14 games to go.
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GOAL! Everton 3-0 Newcastle (Barkley pen, 90 min)
Jamal Lascelles is sent off after bringing down Barkley, who dusts himself down and dinks his second penalty past Elliot.
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Full-time: Aberdeen 2-1 Celtic
A famous result for Aberdeen, who move three points behind Celtic at the top of the SPL.
GOAL! Aberdeen 2-1 Celtic (Griffiths, 90 min+3)
A clever, rolling sidefoot from Griffiths, but it’s probably too late to save Celtic.
GOAL! Barcelona 5-0 Valencia (Messi, 74 min)
Valencia fail to clear their lines and Messi scores his hat-trick, hammering the ball past Ryan. I think Barcelona have got this.
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GOAL! Everton 2-0 Newcastle (Barkley pen, 88 min)
Ross Barkley sends Rob Elliot the wrong way and Everton are going 11th! Newcastle? Well, they’ll be staying in the bottom three.
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PENALTY TO EVERTON!
A foul on Aaron Lennon, a chance for Everton to wrap up the points.
Valencia have had a goal disallowed for offside. Poor Valencia.
Everton still lead Newcastle by a solitary goal. It’s a little nervy at Goodison Park, but they’re holding on.
GOAL! Barcelona 4-0 Valencia (Messi)
Messi has his second, stroking the ball past the helpless Ryan from close range after a stunning backheel from Suarez, and Barcelona are really putting the hurt on Valencia now.
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Barcelona are creating and missing chances for fun now, just like Everton.
Everton are missing chance after chance against Newcastle. They only lead 1-0. I think we all know what’s going to happen.
The second halfway is underway at Camp Nou. How many will Barcelona score?
Half-time: Barcelona 3-0 Valencia
Neymar misses!
Or not! Neymar steps up, a little too casually, and curls his penalty against the left post with the inside of his right foot! We’ve found his weakness. Valencia are still in this!
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Penalty to Barcelona!
Mustafi takes Messi out when he was clean through and he’s sent off! Valencia are down to 10 men and they’re about to go 4-0 down just before half-time. Poor Gary.
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Messi’s just plonked a sitter against the bar after brilliant work from Suarez. Sell him.
“Those highlights seem to be missing the 3rd goal, here ya go,” says Rajiv.
Still, Valencia haven’t conceded for a while.
Everton lead Newcastle 1-0 at half-time, Aaron Lennon scoring the only goal. A win takes them to the heady heights of 11th place. Roberto Martinez will show the doubters that you don’t need defenders yet, just you watch.
@JacobSteinberg edited highlights of the parts of Barca v. Valencia you missed https://t.co/FCysE44mC9
— Danny Michaux (@BrillantineDan) February 3, 2016
Aberdeen lead Celtic 2-0 at half-time at Pittodrie. Oh dear. A win will take Aberdeen three points behind Celtic.
“While you were away - Barcelona had a stretch of 15 minutes of total possession and domination,” says Charles Antaki. “Even their fans would have had some sympathy for Valencia, honest footballers made to look utterly, utterly useless.” I know the feeling.
One day, Messi will retire. What are we supposed to do then? It’s a sobering thought.
GOAL! Barcelona 3-0 Valencia (Messi, 29 min)
Barcelona walk it in. Andres Iniesta is given far too much space by the risible Valencia midfield and sets up Messi, who slots it in with his left foot. It’s so easy.
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I can see the Barcelona game again! Gary Neville is shouting.
GOAL! Aberdeen 2-0 Celtic (Church, 38 min)
“What was the second lowest point? says Paul Jones.
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This is the lowest point of my career and that’s saying something.
So what’s going on at Goodison Park? I’ll tell you what’s going on! Everton are 1-0 up against Newcastle at Goodison Park, Aaron Lennon’s goalscoring form continuing.
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Right. This is ridiculous. I’m changing to a normal Clockwatch. Good old Clocko, the old faithful. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, you’ll never leave me. This game is over anyway.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-0 Valencia (Suarez, 12 min)
Gary Neville’s evening is going even worse than mine.
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GOAL! Barcelona 1-0 Valencia (Suarez, 7 min)
That didn’t take long. An advert with legs slipped Suarez through on goal and he drilled a low finish past Ryan from the right of the Barcelona area. No goalgasm from Neville as far as I can tell.
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4 min: My feed is working. Sort of. Barcelona are kicking from right to left in the first half. Valencia are adopting the foetal position.
2 min: Bear with me.
Peep! I assume the game has kicked off. I’m experiencing technical problems.
The teams
Barcelona: Ter Stegen; Pique, Mathieu, Alba, Vidal; Busquets, Iniesta, Arda Turan; Messi, Suarez, Neymar.
Valencia: Ryan; Barragan, Mustafi, Santos, Gayà; Danilo, Parejo; Andre Gomes, Cancelo, Siqueira; Rodrigo
Preamble
Hello. Gary Neville: fraud. Discuss. Not really. But after a difficult start to his managerial career at Valencia, the impatience of modern society means that it probably won’t be long before internet experts like me are using the power of hindsight to write acerbic think pieces on why Neville’s struggles in Spain show wasn’t really all that as a Sky Sports pundit. That would be ridiculous, of course, but it is justifiable to wonder if the inventor of the goalgasm has jumped into too deep an end, whether he might have been better off choosing a club in the Championship instead of an underperforming team in an unfamiliar league and country.
He’s already being asked questions about his future. Valencia are out of the Champions League, they’re 12th in La Liga and they’ve not won in the league since 7 November, drawing four and losing three of their matches under Neville. They hinted of what they might be capable of in a rollocking 2-2 draw with Real Madrid on 3 January, but they’ve not been up to scratch overall. Still, it’s early days for El Nev and the Copa del Rey has brought him some welcome respite; just look, he’s two games away from the final! And all Valencia have to do now is beat Barcelona over two legs. Oh.
Barcelona, coming off the back of a slightly scratchy but deeply satisfying 2-1 win over Atletico Madrid on Saturday, have not lost since they were Messi-less against Sevilla in October. And they’ve got Messi, Suarez and Neymar. And they’re the European champions. And they’ve got Messi, Suarez and Neymar. Good luck, Gary, you’re going to need it.
Kick-off: 8pm GMT, 9pm in Barcelona.
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