Oh, and here’s your match report, get it while it’s hot it’s lovely.
Anyway, that’s about us. What a ridiculous match that was, whata ridiculous sport this is, what a ridiculous life we lead. Ta-ra!
Also rumoured: Santi Solari, currently managing the Castilla, will take over until the end of the season, at which point Mauricio Pochettino might be available.
Which means we’re off to wondering who comes next. Antonio Conte is available, would probably get that defence defending, and knows how to set up a side to counter. On the other hand, he’s confrontational and defensively-minded, which might not play well with Florentino Perez, who had all manner of aggravation with Jose Mourinho. And then there’s Mourinho himself, who said last week that he wants to stay at United ... but with a chief exec briefing against him and denying him money, if push came to shove, hed surely have a very careful think about it.
So when do we think the deed will be done? If I was Lopetegui, I’d just go home and not come back - if it wasn’t for the cash that presumably rides on his doing nothing of the sort. But it seems unlikely he’ll last the day, and certainly not tomorrow.
Let’s talk about Barcelona for a moment, who have had a fantastic few days. They played really well against a compliant Inter, and started today in the proper manner, hung in there when Madrid got excited, then displayed a total absence of ruth in kicking them when they down. Arthur and Lenglet have rejuvenated a midfield and defence that was looking tired towards the end of last season, Suarez looks fitter than for ages,, when you have Messi you can win any game, and 4-3-3 suits them better than 4-4-2. Which is to say that it’ll take a phenomenal effort to stop them domestically, they’ve a really good chance in Europe, and Ernesto Valverde is settling in nicely.
I suppose Madrid can look on the bright side: how many would it have been had Messi been fit?
“It’s not ‘manotazo,” says Anthony Ashworth, “the expression used when gloating over having put five past your hapless opponents is ‘manita’, so the headlines tomorrow will be screaming that ‘El Barca le hace una manita al Madrid!’”
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“Just use manotazo!” emails Henry Carter. “Which means five goals!”
I suppose we need a terrible pun forced into that, though - Madridtazo; Manotarez; Manotagui.
I am in so far over my head and so far out of my depth I’ve just changed my name to Julen; here’s Adolfo J. Bengoechea: “‘Anotar o Marcar” in the context of sports specifically futbol (soccer) is understood as to score. So no worries we understood. Now there are some people that think that their version or point of view is the only one. Don’t pay attention to that.”
“When Lopetegui goes, could he please take Benzema with him?” asks Gene Salorio. “The blame for this situation really is on Perez, who again is managing a delusional transfer policy.”
The problem for Madrid is that their main currency is prestige which, in the end, cannot compete with sovereign wealth. It can work long-term, but at Madrid nothing can stop the time because time is illmatic, so they may need to take some pain until Asensio, Ceballos and pals are ready. And even if they’d bought a centre-forward, you can’t lose Ronaldo and just get on with things - if you could, he wouldn’t be as good as he is.
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“You’re good Daniel, it’s perfectly fine to say ‘anotar’,” advises Ben Simmons. “Stick it in, score a goal, notch one, marcar, anotar, meterlo, there’s as many ways to say it as there were goals today. My personal favourite is ‘golear”, which is ‘to thrash’.”
Back to the important business of the day, here’s Graeme Thorn: ‘In highlights I’ve seen of the Mexico 1970 World Cup, the captions used ‘Anotado’” to mean scorer, so I’m guessing it might be a European/Central American Spanish difference between ‘marcar’ and ‘anotar’.”
So that’s that one cleared up, then. Perfect.
Ok, I suppose we should have a go. Barcelona are quite good, Madrid are a mess, and will surely be seeking a new manager from right about now. The thing is, when you have as many good players as Madrid do, you can produce decent passages as they did: the test is when it gets on top, which it did in the first half and after the third goal. On both occasions, they had absolutely nothing. And for that they earned their kicking, despite having the good grace to perform for 20 minutes or so. That might be Julen Lopetegui’s fault in many aspects, but he had absolutely nothing to do with the inability of repeat European champions to maintain their disci0line and dignity.
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Full-time: Barcelona 5-1 Real Madrid
What words can elucidate those above?
90+1 min What a strange, absurd ridiculous game this is - both generally and specifically. As I ponder that, Benzema drags wide of goal but back to the point, Madrid have actually played quite well for a bit here, but the sense is still of one side on the way up and the other on the way down, which is how you get the defensive collapse we’re witnessing. it reminds me a bit of the 6-1 Manchester derby, though United were down to 10 men and chasing the game, rather than giving up on it.
90 min There’ll be two added minutes.
90 min AND HERE COME BARCA AGAIN! MADRID HAVE FALLEN APART! Sergi Roberto again goes down the right, he clips over a cross, and again Suarez takes it from behind him ... but this time Courtois parries!
GOAL! Barcelona 5-1 Real Madrid (Vidal 87)
Barca get bored of possession and find Dembele, who nips inside then outside, sending Nacho for a corn-based snack covered in cheese, then stands up a cross to the far post where Vidal nods home and celebrates like a meshuggener. This is now one of the great humiliations, actually sort of a close game but sort of actually not and, well. Which is to say WHAT IS GOING ON?
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87 min More humiliation as Barca knock it about and the crowd cheer-laugh. Football is beautiful.
86 min “Ahem, that should be ‘tienes que marcar’,” advises Kurt Stengel. “Anotar is to sum up, to annotate.”
I’m afriad my Spanish is only as good as Google Translate’s.
85 min How many can Barcelona now score? They replace Arthur with Vidal.
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GOAL! Barcelona 4-1 Real Madrid (Suarez 83)
Madrid have disintegrated, it’s a hat-trick for Luis Suarez, and what a finish he delivers! But not before, in a moment to savour for everyone who loves the joy of humiliation that is what football is all about, Sergio Ramos chests down, dithers, and is robbed by the excellent Sergi Roberto. He slides through a pass for Suarez, who draws the keeper - it’s a pretty good likeness too - then beardsleys a finish over him as he goes down. I think this might be over, and Julen Lopetgui, who just four months ago was manager of Spain and Real Madrid, is now struggling for anything. Suarez, meanwhile, revels a t-shirt to celebrate the birth of his new son, Lautaro earlier in the week. Disgracefully, he wasn’t booked - what’s become of the game we love so?
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82 min Off goes Marcelo, replaced by Mariano.
81 min More fantastic news for Madrid: Marcelo tries a backheel and diddles his hamstring.
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80 min Assuming Madrid lose today, that’s five defeats in seven, with their only win coming over Plzen. They’re ninth in the league, and it’s very hard to see how the manager is getting away with that, though they’ve been quite good since half-time.
78 min “When visiting Los Angeles, be sure to make time to take in the La Brea Tar Pits,” tweets Whitliño. “Of course, ‘la brea” is ‘the tar’ en Español, which means that I would advise you not to miss an opportunity to visit the The Tar Tar Pits...”
Lopetgui might just be visiting the ta-ta pits later today.
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78 min Change for Madrid: Asensio replaces Bale.
77 min Suarez has a shy at one of Nacho’s angles, misses, stamps on his other calf, drags a leg over him as they fall, and is booked.
GOAL! Barcelona 3-1 Real Madrid (Suarez 75)
Dembele floats through midfield and finds Sergi Roberto, who digs out a solid cross to Suarez only a few yards away; he contorts brilliantly to cushion, crash and guide a header past Courtois at the near post with ludicrous, mortifying, affirming ease.
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75 min Dembele could be such a player if he can harness his easy brilliance.
74 min Another change for Barca, Dembele replacing Coutinho.
73 min Vazquez loses it to Alba, but Isco can’t manage to get a hold of it when the ball comes across and Barca break, Semedo leading the charge. But he can’t find Sergi Roberto, and the chances goes.
70 min Suarez spreads to Sergi Roberto, but he can’t take the ball at a helpful angle so that when it comes back inside the chance to do something good with it has gone, and Suarez gives it away cheaply.
69 min Semedo replaces Rafinfa; Barca are sort of protecting their lead, except Semedo has plenty to offer going forward.
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68 min Tienes que anotar! Ye’ve gottae score! Madrid move the ball out quickly for Vazquez, whose cross is brilliant, early, swerving and precise ... Benzema is there, but can’t quite get over it, and the ball goes over the top. I think we might see a goal or two more here.
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66 min Just looking at that Marcelo goal and wondering where he stands in the all-time lost of left-backs. I know there’s a recency bias, but it’s hard not to see him on the level of Maldini and Roberto Carlos, not as a defender but according to his overall contribution to a team.
64 min For the first time in the match, both sides are at it, Busquets finding that switch to Coutinho, who crosses quickly and gently for Jodi Alba, who turns it goalwards on the volley, but Nacho is there to block. The corner comes to nowt.
63 min Rafinha decides to seek attention outside his own box and Bale robs him, finding Kroos, whose through pass is taken by Isco ... but his touch isn’t up to it. And yes, i feel better about myself typing those words, as should you reading them, which why I’m waiting until this point to tell you that he was offside.
61 min But have a look! A clip over the top from Rakitic sees Sergi Roberto absolutely bousting to the far post where, on the stretch, he volleys a ball back for Suarez, who somehow, on the charge, brings a foot up from behind him to hip level and crashes against the post with the outside of his boot! Fantastic play, and what a half this is!
60 min Alba tries a low cross which is turned away, and he almost manages to get the ball back in, but Barca finish the passage pleased to stop the counter.
58 min Eleven Sports have just referenced “the El Classico”; add your own kicker. And Madrid gang up on the Barca right, Isco just unable to work the ball in, and then his corner almost finds Benzema, but Lenglet steams in to clear. Madrid are absolutely bossing this.
56 min This is frantic and brilliant now, Modric given a yards on the right of the box and shmicing a low, straight shot that rattles the inside of the near post.
56 min Madrid are pressing now; Madrid are all over it now; and force more space in the box but when the ball drops to Benzema, he can only clout fresh air. The ball goes wide, Bale crosses, and Ramos dives to head wide, though he was offside.
54 min This is a really good game now; we’ve barely seen Arthur and Busquets so far this half.
53 min Suddenly the game is stretched, and that suits Madrid, who have pace on the counter and the passers to find it.
52 min So will Barca change to reflect Madrid’s change? I think we all know the answer to that one.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-1 Real Madrid (Marcelo 50)
Well played Julen Lopetegui! Madrid are playing a 3-5-2 now, aiming to get Marcelo into the game, and move the ball through Bale and and Benzema from left to right. Vazquez then rolls into space for Isco, who wriggle-dashes to the line, cuts back, and a deflection off Lenglet allows Marcelo to chest down, compose, and ram home a livener, on the stretch!
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49 min For the first time in the game, Madrid get the ball out to Marcelo, and bends in a brilliant cross looking for Benzema, but Lenglet, who looks a serious boy, chucks a head in and the resultant corner comes to nowt.
48 min Madrid knock it about at the back, but Barca close them down so viciously that they do well to get a foul when Suarez leaves one on Kroos.
46 min Madrid have made a change: Varane, who hasn’t looked fit, is off, with Lucas Vazquez going to right-back and Nacho into the middle. I’m not sure about that - I suppose Lopetegui wants attacking threat given that his team need two goals but he also needs to do something about the threat down that side, and Odriozola, a promising defender, looks a better bet to stem that than an alright winger.
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46 min We go again...
Back come Madrid ... what do they have? How much do they want to keep their manager?
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Half-time email: “Playing like this, why doesn’t Alba play for Spain?” asks Henry Carter. Pre-existing beef with Luis Enrique from their time at Barca, which is of course a perfectly sensible rationale for doing without a player as good as him.
Half-time: Barcelona 2-0 Real Madrid
This has been as straightforward as it could possibly have been for Barcelona, who have been sharper, faster and better organised than Madrid. It’s true that Madrid’s manager is struggling, which means it’s time for the most experienced players to get hold of the dressing room and come up with something.
45+1 min Isco picks out Suarez, who heads clear and initites a break, five attackers galloping downfield. But Suarez carries the ball over halfway, then shanks his switch, and that’s that.
45 min Lenglet dashes over to the right to foul Isco, and Madrid have a chance to get a ball into the box; they really need something...
43 min Almost a third for Barcelona! Suarez, somehow rejuvenated after his summer of intense work, pulls right and bashes by Ramos before planting a cross on Pique’s forehead at the back post. He goes for goal, but mistimes his leap so can only knock it down for Courtois.
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42 min “I think I know one of the problems Real Madrid are having at the moment, emails Mike Gleeson.” It seems like there’s no leader in that team. I’ve seen videos of Ramos taking free kicks and scoring bicycle kicks but all in all he could be spending that time encouraging players in bad form, talking to the youth players, etc. They need someone like Ronaldo to be a leader in that team.”
I’d heard that under Zidane, it was Ramos and and Ronaldo runnin ting, and yes, they probably are missing that element of his presence. But the lack of clue how they;re meant to be playing is on the manager.
41 min Barcelona are playing with such confidence now, it’s like they’ve drained Madrid of theirs to have it for themselves.
40 min This ends with Madrid winning the Champions League right? That’s what happened in 99-00 and 01-02...
39 min Coutinho feints outside then nips inside Nacho, who lumbers into him nevertheless because he can do no other. He’s booked.
38 min A minor flash of Madrid, Modric finding Benzema on the left of the box, but he can’t quite gather and go by Sergi Roberto.
37 min And there they go again, Alba in hectares controlling another switch on his chest and arcing over a nasty bastard of a cross that Suarez can’t quite reach on the stretch.
36 min Again, Alba and Coutinho gang up on Nacho, who’s getting no support from whichever of Isco or Bale happens to be over there - at the moment, it’s Isco.
36 min Modric looks for Bale down the left of the box, but Pique gets there first and rides what becomes a late challenge.
34 min More possession for Madrid, about as threatening as a pair of rubber y-fronts.
33 min Barcelona win a corner down the left which Courtois collects. Apparently Lopetegui is still sitting at the side doing nothing, and its probably time to wonder why Odriozola is on the bench, given Nacho is giving a David May, ok centre-back playing at right-back display.
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31 min Centimo Cent for em, Julen?
GOAL! Barcelona 2-0 Real Madrid (Suarez 30)
The keeper goes to his right and so does Suarez, but the power and placement are good enough and that’s almost the game done!
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30 min PENALTY TO BARCELONA!
Suarez will take it...
29 min Alejando Hernandez Hernandez calls the ref over, and I think it’s a penalty - it was a shove.
28 min Anger! Fear! Whistles! Barca again turn Madrid’s right flank and Coutinho crosses low for Suarez, who’s in front of Varane ... and collapses with the help of pressure to his back! No penalty says the ref, but players surround him and it’s VARty time!
26 min Madrid are improving, Modric sliding through midfield and feeding Isco ... except Sergi Roberto slides in brilliantly to intercept.
25 min Madrid enjoy concerted possession for the first time, but with none of the incision we’ve seen from Barca.
23 min “Coutinho just repaid a huge chunk of the fee FCB paid for him,” tweets John McEnerney. “Even without Messi, FCB have the quality and the form to have the pallbearers ready to lift Lopetegui’s coffin out of Real, as my late dad used to say ‘before Songs of Praise starts’!”
Coutinho still has plenty of work to do, but yes, Madrid look like a side that doesn’t know what to do to be as good as it should be.
21 min Madrid need to find something here; it’s not easy to discern their gameplan. Striking quickly is much harder without Ronaldo, good though the other players are, and they should have players good enough to have more of the ball than they are. We’ve barely seen Casemiro or Kroos so far.
19 min Lovely from Barca, Coutinho coming deep to beat three men and find Arthur, who keeps going as the ball goes wide to Rafinha. The cross is no use, but then Ramos’ weak clearance goes to Nacho, who can only flick it at Arthur; he drives hard from just outside the box, and Courtois flies to his left to tip it away.
17 min Busquets lifts a pass over the top for Suarez, who collapses when Ramos blatantly looks at him. No foul, says the ref.
15 min Barca haven’t looked that good this season other than in Europe, but perhaps they’ll look back on the Inter game as when things got going for them. They could easily have won that by more than two, and it was a performance of consummate assurance. Meanwhile, the ball sits up for Marcelo, so he tries a shot from 25 yards that is easy for Ter Stegen once again.
14 min That Allez Allez Allez song could do with being uninvented.
13 min But they still have quality, and Modric glides through midfield to find Bale, and he drives a low snap-shot from 20 yards that Ter Stegen collects.
GOAL! Barcelona 1-0 Real Madrid (Coutinho)
This is a typical Barcelona goal, so simple, so complex, so predictable, so incisive. Two short passes, Rakitic to busquets to Rakitic, and then a perfect ball in behind for Jordi Alba, racing away into absurd space. He has a look as Suarez pulls to the front post, has another look, then cuts back for Coutinho, who arrives to tuck home. Madrid are a total balagan.
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9 min Busquets finds Jordi Alba, who caresses a cross seeking Coutinho, only for Nacho to intercept with a header.
8 min But here goes Bale down the left - he looks so much less awkward on that side - and clips back a cross for Benzema, holding his position on the edge of the box. He might tee up for Modric, arriving, but instead lashes a fair effort over the top.
7 min Madrid look really disorganised - they’re not pressing in unison, which is making it easy for Ter Stegen to pass out and Busquets to pick the next line of attack.
6 min So Ramos charges through 12 Rafinha to get things going; lovely stuff. If only he’d been brave enough to take on that Liverpudlian actor in a square-go.
4 min Madrid have barely had a touch in the Barca half; their midfield hasn’t got going at all.
3 min Already we’ve settled into a pattern of Barcelona possession, and already they’re finding space down their left. But when Pique tries an, er, “diag” for Alba, Bale rushes in to chest back for Courtois.
1 min Barca knock it about the back-four as Littleterry Gibson advises us that the best players will need to play well. Did you know: Terry Gibson scored more goals against Manchester United than for them, despite playing for them as a striker?
1 min Off we go!
Busquets and Ramos hug; José Mourinho really has lost his influence.
And here they come, the Barca club anthem belted out and mosaics raised. The scene looks fantastic.
The players are tunnelled, and will now proceed through an arch bearing a sponsor’s name. It’s extremely moving.
Who is this youth on the Eleven sports coverage, please? This “pre-match with Spencer” youth? Young readership, don’t let me down.
I’m not the first to rhapsodise Arthur, but what a lovely player he is, able to appreciate space beyond the perception of almost everyone else. It’s not just the movement, but the angles of the touches that take the ball away from opponents - I wonder if Barca are seeking a Rakitic replacement to make the most of the time for which Busquets is still at it. Not that Rakitic isn’t good, but he flits in and out; if they had another permapresence, then we’d really be talking.
So Barcelona are unchanged from midweek, which is fair enough - they played really well. In particular, Arthur, Busquets and Luis Suarez were very good, giving them midfield control and attacking aggression. I must say, I was a bit surprised by Suarez, who has looked, to me at least, well over the hill in the last year or so. The question is whether he has anything left for Ramos and Varane - if he doesn’t, then this match will be closer than most people are anticipating.
Madrid, meanwhile, field their Champions League winning side, save Ronaldo, who is replaced by Bale. Why, it’s almost as if that Casemiro-Modric-Kroos midfield is quite good, eh Julen. And what happens in that area will probably decide today’s game - and I’m actually starting to fancy the visitors who, if they can get enough of the ball, have more going forward.
Teams are here!
Barcelona (how dare you even ask) : Ter Stegen; Sergi Roberto, Pique, Lenglet, Jordi Alba; Busquets, Rakitic, Arthur; Rafinha, Suarez, Coutinho. Subs: Malcom, Cillessen, Chumi, Semedo, Dembele, Vidal, Munir.
Real Madrid (a desperate 4-3-3): Courtois; Nacho, Ramos, Varane, Marcelo; Kroos, Casemiro, Modric; Bale, Benzema, Isco. Subs: Odriozola, Vazquez, Ceballos, Valverde, Mariano, Asensio, Navas.
Starting line-ups
Barcelona: Ter Stegen, S. Roberto, Alba, Pique, Lenglet, Arthur, Busquets, Rakitic, Rafinha, Coutinho, Suarez.
Real Madrid: Courtois, Nacho, Ramos, Varane, Marcelo, Casemiro, Kroos, Modric, Isco, Bale, Benzema.
Preamble
Messi. Ronaldo. Right, now we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get on with what is, absolutely, the phattest match in world football. Neither side is vintage, but that doesn’t mean there’s a shortage of drama: Barcelona, who were excellent in taking Inter apart just the other day, need a win to go back to the top of La Liga, while Madrid look a rinsing away from binning their manager. They might just enjoy that one in Catalonia.
Kick-off: 3.15pm GMT
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