Well that was half a football game, half a bunch of people running around slightly pointlessly. But that’s pre-season friendlies for you, and nobody expected to learn a damn thing. Still, even at about quarter pace, this Barca lot are bloody good.
Cheers for reading, you doughty lot. See you soon.
Full-time: Celtic 1-3 Barcelona
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
90 mins: Half chance for Christie, latching onto a pass from Rogic but his shot is cleared, then rebounds off him and goes out for a goal-kick.
89 mins: Well as a spectacle, this second half has basically been pointless. Not that this is a surprise, or that either team should have done anything else, but they might as well have just told everyone to go home at the break while they ran around to get their fitness up a bit.
87 mins: The closest we’ve had to a goal in a while - Alfaro gets down the right, slides in a low cross where a phalanx of identical Barca infants are waiting at the far post, but new Celtic signing Kristoffer Ajer is there to clear the thing from danger.
84 mins: The bandy-legged Mujica jinks towards goal and shoots from range, but that wasn’t troubling anything but the ballboys behind the goal.
82 mins: Armstrong wins the ball well in midfield and slips it to Rogic, running toward the edge of the box and he takes a shot, but drags his left-footed effort wide.
80 mins: Free-kick around 25 out for Cifti, just to the left of centre, but he whips it over the wall and...well over.
79 mins: Cifti does well to win the ball fairly high up the pitch and slips it to Dembele, but the young lad doesn’t quite get the ball out of his feet to either shoot or play Cifti, racing down the left side of the box, back in.
77 mins: Three more changes for Barcelona, as they introduce three more Stepford children to replace the others, while Celtic replace Izaguirre with Darnell Fisher. 47,000 in attendance. Impressive.
75 mins: Half-chance for Celtic, in a rare foray into enemy territory, as Armstrong takes a swing at the ball but his shot is straight at the keeper.
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74 mins: It’s a fine production line that Barca have here, but it’s also a bit weird. They’re basically cranking out loads of different versions of the same player: small, mobile, technically splendid, can pass the arse off the thing. Do you think when their mums come to pick them up they sometimes take the wrong one home?
72 mins: It’s just a possession exercise for Barcelona now, as they ferry the ball up and down the right flank seemingly just to amuse themselves. It’s Barca v some semi-mobile green and white cones.
70 mins: Munir clips the ball down the line for Alena, it finds its way back to him and he shoots, left-footed from the inside left channel, but it flies well wide and over.
67 mins: Most of the Barcelona team now look like a school XI, but they’re still keeping the ball jealously. It’s almost as if they’re all told a specific style of play from a young age, eh?
65 mins: Camara, one of the few players who started the game and is still plugging away out there, tries to chip Faran from about 45 yards out, on the left, but it fades away and goes wide of the post.
64 mins: Thank you, social media...
63 - Celtic subs: ON - Ralston, McCart and Christie. OFF - Janko, Ambrose and Forrest. [1-3]
— Celtic Football Club (@celticfc) July 30, 2016
63 mins: And now three more for Celtic. Apologies for not listing them all, but it is getting slightly stupid. Forrest and Ambrose are of.
61 mins: ...for Barcelona make six changes, one of which is to remove Luis Suarez on the hour mark.
60 mins: Chance for Barca, as Denis Suarez finds his namesake on the left side of the box, but his left-footed shot is dragged well, well wide of the post. And that’ll be his last action of the game...
59 mins: Cifti shows some nifty footwork to get down the left and towards the byline, but his clipped cross into the middle is headed clear.
57 mins: Chance for Denis Suarez, as Barca break healthily down the right, but while he strikes his effort truly, it’s straight at the keeper Fasan. Who I misidentified as Gordon a few minutes ago. Sorry.
56 mins: Not that it was an enormously high-octane encounter before, but the pace has been notably slower since the break.
54 mins: Another chance for Barca, as the Suarezs exchange passes inside the Celtic penalty area, but in the end Luis is crowded out and Izaguirre hoofs the thing clear.
52 mins: Forrest, having switched flanks to now play on the right, cuts inside and shifts the ball back to Rogic on the edge of the area, but he drags his shot wide of the post.
50 mins: Munir breaks towards goal, through the middle with Luis Suarez to his right, but he instead goes for the shot, it hits Janko on the back and is easily saved by Gordon.
48 mins: Cifti has another chance to shoot after some neat work around the edge of the Barca box, but he tries to beat one man too many and has to turn back, taking the sting out of the attack rather.
46 mins: And we’re away. Celtic nearly pull one back straight away, as Izaguirre crosses for Dembele, he lays it back and Nadir Cifti shoots, but just wide of the post.
Sub time! The second half is imminent and Celtic are making some seven changes, among them Tom Rogic for Scott Brown and Moussa Dembele for Leigh Griffiths, the young striker just signed from Fulham. Rather absurdly, the lino is introducing all of them one-by-one, showing the numbers too the crowd. Just, y’know, get on with it, yeah?
Here’s the Celtic team for the second half:
CELTIC v @FCBarcelona second-half: Fasan; Izaguirre, Ambrose, Ajer, Janko; Allan, Rogic, Armstrong, Forrest; Ciftci, Dembele.
— Celtic Football Club (@celticfc) July 30, 2016
A sub for Barcelona too, with Sergi Samper replacing that blonde lad they’ve got up front. Messi can take a rest for the remainder of the afternoon.
Meanwhile, in Zlatanworld...
Talk about an instant impact! #ZlatanTime
— Manchester United (@ManUtd) July 30, 2016
Switch over now to watch live on #MUTVHD. https://t.co/C8QYQI3308
(Although that was a pretty honking miskick. Still - ZLATAN!)
Barcelona are 3-1 ahead which reflects the gulf in class, but perhaps doesn’t reflect the balance of play particularly well. Celtic have largely held their own rather well, pressing high and not letting this makeshift Barca defence take their time over anything.
Half-time: Celtic 1-3 Barcelona
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
45 mins: Messi almost plays a perfect through-ball to Luis Suarez, but it’s smuggled behind for a corner. Denis Suarez swings it over, it’s headed clear and that should probably be that for the half.
43 mins: No wonder Barca have invested in their defence this summer: Mathieu continues his lumbering buffoon act by almost falling over the ball, giving Roberts a chance to break towards goal in space. Alas, he’s so left-footed that rather than running into the room out right, he cuts back inside and tries to play in Griffiths, but to be fair to the old boy Mathieu stomps back and gets a toe on it, denying the Celtic forward.
GOAL! Celtic 1-3 Barcelona (Munir 40)
Lovely goal. Messi plays an effortless long pass from right to left out to Camara, who slips in Suarez towards the byline and he cuts back to the edge of the six-yard box, where Munir is waiting to stick the ball into an empty net.
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39 mins: One thing Celtic are doing pretty well is pressing high up the pitch, not allowing these inexperienced Barcelona defenders to settle on the ball or pass it out as they’d like. They are a little more advanced in their pre-season - indeed, they’ve already played two competitive games - so perhaps that’s to be expected.
38 mins: Bitton tries a shot from way, way out and...well, let’s just save him some embarrassment and say it didn’t go in.
36 mins: Turan skims a nice-looking pass over the top looking for Luis Suarez, but it’s just too strong as Gordon lumbers off his line to claim it.
34 mins: A lively couple of minutes and no mistake. Izaguirre has a chance to score a third goal in five minutes, but he scuffs the shot from just inside the area and Masip saves with the long barrier.
GOAL! Celtic 1-2 Barcelona (Ambrose OG, 31)
Well that didn’t last very long. Crack out the circus music as Ambrose slices into his own net, trying to clear a low Camara cross that was heading for precisely no Barcelona attacker.
GOAL! Celtic 1-1 Barcelona (Griffiths 29)
And from nowhere, Celtic are level. What we’re going to call a defensive howler presents the Bhoys with an equaliser, as Masip plays a hospital pass along his own six-yard box to Martinez, ignoring the first rule of any school coach, and Martinez takes a horrific touch allowing Griffiths to slam into an empty net.
28 mins: Been a lot of offsides so far: the latest comes when Izaguirre slips a pass down the left for Forrest, but the man with one too many Rs in his name has his left leg beyond the last man, so up pops the flag.
26 mins: Excellent defending by Janko saves an almost certain goal: Denis Suarez slips a smashing ball through the middle for Messi, who is just about to pull his foot back to shoot before the Celtic man arrives and muscles the lad off the ball.
24 mins: Ambrose goes on a bit of an adventure in his own box, twisting and turning and for a moment looking like a confused cow, before he snaps out of it and plays a nice ball up the line that sparks a Celtic counter. Roberts looks for a pass for Brown’s run into the box, but it’s slightly over-hit and runs through to the keeper.
22 mins: Chance for Brown: he bundles in as Mathieu dithers just outside his own box, nicks the ball away and fires a shot across goal, but it’s fairly easily saved.
21 mins: Here’s a scrap you wonder which side to be on: Griffiths tries to burrow his way into the area from the left but Luis Suarez is back defending, and the Barca man goes down under a hefty challenge. He’s not especially impressed about things, either.
20 mins: Well look at that. Barca play keep-ball for a bit but it’s Messi who gives the ball away. Still a bit rusty.
18 mins: There’s Roberts again, cutting inside and while he does pull Camara’s pants down a little, he’s crowded out on the right side of the area. Bitton then gives away a free-kick with a lunge that elicits a loud ‘Ooooooh’ from the crowd.
16 mins: After what feels like an eon, Celtic win the ball back through McGregor, but seconds later Martinez nips in front of Roberts to nick a pass from Ambrose and plays in Camara, but his shot ripples the side-netting.
14 mins: The difference in class, even with a shadow Barca team in what for them is still the early stages of pre-season, is stark. They look like they’re toying with Celtic as a cartoon cat would with a mouse. Of course in the cartoon the mouse would eventually get the better of the cat, so...there’s some hope to cling to.
GOAL! Celtic 0-1 Barcelona (Arda Turan 11)
Well that was easy. Vidal scampers down the line, just keeps the ball in play at the byline, pops the ball betwixt James Forrest’s legs and lays it back to Arda on the edge of the box, who guides it expertly into the top corner. Delightful stuff.
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10 mins: Messi should really go the whole hog and dye his beard blonde as well as his hair. Go full Abel Xavier, Leo.
8 mins: The jaunty Roberts has another go at the Arjen Robben Gambit: he cuts in from the right, skips past a couple of defenders and shoots left-footed, but this one didn’t have the required curl on it and the ball sails wide.
7 mins: Roberto nips in ahead of Brown and wins the ball, spreads it to the right but Luis Suarez finds himself offside. Well, ‘finds himself’ implies it wasn’t his fault - it was one of those where he was looking right down the line from the flank, so it was absolutely and entirely his own fault.
5 mins: Messi seems to be starting out on the right, but Vidal can’t set him away after hoofing a pass down the line and well beyond the wee man. Messi then repeats that trick himself by over-hitting a pass aimed for Denis Suarez. Bitton has given the bench a thumbs up, so he should be OK.
2 mins: Could be some trouble for Celtic midfielder Nir Bitton. He tangles with Arda Turan out on the right, and the Turkish forward seems to fall on his opponents leg. All accidental, but Bitton is off the pitch receiving treatment.
1 min: And we’re away. Celtic on the attack straight away, and very nearly take the lead after just six seconds. Roberts cuts in from the right, opens up his body and tries to curl a left-footed shot inside the far post, but it goes just wide.
The players are emerging from the tunnel, led out by Messi and Scott Brown. There can rarely have been two skippers of more contrasting styles.
Brendan Rodgers still talks about Luis Suarez with the misty eyes of a doting father whose son has left home. And he still calls him ‘Louie’.
Now, I don’t want to say I was fishing earlier, or even worse trolling a very specific section of society, but...well, Mark from Bakewell emails in: “it’s good to see my home town get a namecheck in an MBM commentary, but I feel some clarification is needed. Bakewell is rightly famous for its puddings!”
Sort of tangentially related to this game, here’s the tale of how Pep Guardiola learned his trade in Mexico, playing for Juan Manuel Lillo.
Your guess is as good as mine as to how Barcelona are actually going to line up. Quite a few fowards, a good amount of midfielders and not too many defenders in that starting XI. Although Messi and Luis Suarez are both there, so there should be some fun ahead, anyway.
Team news
Celtic
Gordon; Janko, Ambrose, O’Connell, Izaguirre; Brown, Bitton, McGregor; Roberts, Griffiths, Forrest. Subs: Fasan, Fisher, Ciftci, Dembele, Armstrong, Christie, Rogic, Allan, Ajer, McCart, Ralston.
Barcelona
Masip; Aleix Vidal, Mathieu, Martinez, Denis Suarez, Sergi Roberto, Munir, Camara, Arda, Luis Suarez, Messi. Subs: Sergi Samper, J.A.Suarez, Borja Lopez, Nili, Marlon, Alena, Carbonell, Gumbau, Josep Martinez, Tellon, Mujica, Alfaro.
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Preamble
Leo Messi is a polite young man, isn’t he? No matter that, with that blonde hair, he now sort of looks like a cross between Milo Yiannapoulos and a villain from a Luc Besson film, he’s been saying some very nice things about Celtic recently. He told the Daily Record:
For Celtic they have much more important games than this coming up with the Champions League qualifiers, but this can help them prepare. We have had some games against Celtic that I will always remember, and they are a big club, with big fans, and I would like to see them qualify this year - it is where they belong.
“It is always a good atmosphere against Celtic. For the players at Barcelona who experienced the games in Europe against them, they will know what to expect from their fans. It is only a friendly, but I don’t think their fans know what a friendly is. There are a lot of Celtic fans in Ireland, and I expect them to make a lot of noise and create another special atmosphere.”
Perhaps this is all part of his effort to be thought of as the best player of all time, copying that thing Pele does where he talks up the cause/local hero of whichever town or country he’s in. In Buenos Aires? He’ll say Messi is the best player in the world. Lisbon? That Cristiano Ronaldo has the edge. Taking a trip to Barcelona? Gaudi truly is the finest architect ever. In Bakewell? Surely nobody will make finer tarts than there are in this place.
Still, we’re all here for the football, not to hear a peroxide man be nice about a football team that crosses his path once every four years. What can be learned from this game? Will Barcelona put out their strongest team? Will Celtic be able to live with their illustrious opponents even in a kickabout such as this? And what superlative will Brendan Rodgers use to describe his side’s performance after their 3-1 defeat?
Answers for that last question to Nick.Miller@theguardian.com, please.
Kick-off: 18.00 BST
Nick will be here soon enough. In the meantime, read Paul Doyle on the sight of Lionel Messi and co arriving at St George’s Park.
