A penny for the thoughts of Pep Guardiola, whose Manchester City will face Bayern in the semi-final should they see off Lyon tomorrow night. Goodness knows how that one would end, both sides blessed with outrageously good attacks but not quite so dependable defences. First things first for City, though, and the conquerors of Juventus will be no Barca-style pushover. Hope you can join us for that one tomorrow evening. In the meantime, here’s Jacob Steinberg’s take on an outrageous brouhaha in Lisbon. Enjoy that, and thanks for reading this report. Nighty night!
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The view from Barcelona, courtesy of the good doctor.
Pique: “horrible game, dreadful feeling...shameful. It’s very hard. The club needs changes and I’m not talking about coach and players. Structurally we need changes of all starts. It’s not the first time, or the second, nor the third”.
— Sid Lowe (@sidlowe) August 14, 2020
Setien: “it’s too soon to say if I continue or not. It doesn’t depend on me.”
— Sid Lowe (@sidlowe) August 14, 2020
An extremely content Thomas Muller, the official man of the match, speaks. “It is tough to explain. In this moment our team is in an incredible shape. Thank you for the man-of-the-match trophy, but I think we have 12 or 15 more players who deserve this as well. We worked so hard, we worked with intensity, it is tough to beat us. We had so much fun today. They have special players, we have to be even more aggressive and come back again and again. There is a moment when we catch the ball and we have so much talent in the offensive line. We feel good. It is a big statement, but I think the next game, the semi-final, starts 0-0! We have to win the next game. We have to be relaxed and very happy, but when we wake up tomorrow we have to focus. We are not here to win the quarter, we are here to win the semi, and then the final. Most of the time after big wins, it’s more difficult so we have to be careful.”
Hans-Dieter Flick and Quique Setién embrace. The Bayern boss almost has to prop Setién up, so stunned is the Barca manager. Setién stumbles off out of sight. At least their fans weren’t in the stadium to deliver their verdict. Unfortunately a few TV cameras were whirring away and the word will be out back home. He’s a goner. Bayern, by contrast, were quite magnificent, a proper team unit in the sense that it’s very difficult to pick a man of the match for them, so well did everyone play. Special mention for Alphonso Davies, though, for the outrageous skill that set up Bayern’s fifth. And if you thought I was exaggerating by suggesting Bayern could have scored 15: they had 26 attempts at goal tonight, compared to Barcelona’s eight. Bayern even scored one of Barca’s for them.
FULL TIME: Barcelona 2-8 Bayern Munich
Bayern were so good. Barcelona were beyond pathetic. It’s not all bad news for Barca, mind you: Bayern could easily have scored about 15.
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90 min +1: Vidal shoves Tolisso in the chest, then slams the ball into the ground when penalised by the ref. He’s the second Barca player who could have seen red but is shown just yellow by the ref.
90 min: There will be two minutes of additional time. “Neymar must be glad he didn’t stick around long enough to become part of this Brazil 2014 Tribute Act,” quips Justin Kavanagh.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-8 Bayern Munich (Coutinho 89)
A ball swung left for Tolisso, who heads across for Coutinho, on the edge of the six-yard box. Touch, bang, eight. Barcelona are a risible disgrace.
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88 min: Coutinho again down the left. Another shot, this one nearly deflected into the top left. A corner, that leads to nothing.
87 min: Quique Setién looks like a condemned man. Quique Setién is a condemned man.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-7 Bayern Munich (Coutinho 85)
Messi loses the ball and doesn’t bother trying to get it back. Muller slips a pass down the left for Coutinho, who shimmies into the box, cuts inside, and whips a shot into the bottom left. He doesn’t celebrate, parent-club protocol and all that. This is the first time since 1949 that Barcelona have conceded seven.
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85 min: Kimmich is booked for irritating Suarez. And then ...
84 min: Nope. No offside! All good! Barca’s humiliation grows and grows. Hernandez and Tolisso come on for Goretzka and Davies.
83 min: VAR is checking this for offside. They’re taking an age.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-6 Bayern Munich (Lewandowski 82)
Coutinho sha-booms down the left again and dinks infield for Lewandowski, who heads home from a couple of yards. Once again: it’s as easy as that.
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81 min: Coutinho probes down the left. No way through this time. “Mes que un shambles,” suggests marketing guru Matt Dony.
79 min: Davies is unpretentiously hacked down in the 1970s style by Vidal, who brazenly waves his finger in the ref’s face upon the award of a free kick. The set piece leads to Coutinho winning a corner on the left; the corner leads to nothing.
77 min: Messi dribbles down the inside-left channel and takes a weak shot that’s easy meat for Neuer.
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76 min: Boateng and Gnabry are replaced by Sule and Coutinho, coming on against his parent club.
75 min: I wonder how many Gerd Muller would have got tonight? A number too big for a brain to contain.
74 min: Lewandowksi has a crack from a tight angle on the left. He’s desperate for a goal. It’s how great strikers think.
72 min: Barca haven’t given up a chance for three minutes now. Another small acorn!
70 min: Busquets is replaced by Ansu Fati.
69 min: From the resulting corner, Gnabry has a shot blocked. They could easily have racked up ten tonight. They may still do. Barcelona are a sorry state indeed.
68 min: Davies is able to continue. Coman comes on for Perisic, and should score with his first touch, Semedo shipping possession out on the left, Lewandowski teeing him up, Alba deflecting his shot over the bar.
67 min: A pause as Davies and Semedo meet again. This time it’s a painful encounter for Davies, as the pair clash heads accidentally and the brilliant young full back comes off worse.
65 min: Barca have been faffing around at the back to an absurd degree all evening. Once again they give up possession like feckless dandies, allowing Kimmich to literally stroll into their box on the right. They’re extremely fortunate that Kimmich floats a weak cross into Ter Stegen’s arms.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-5 Bayern Munich (Kimmich 63)
This is a quite sensational goal. Davies is out on the left touchline. He’s faced by Semedo. He gives him the eyes, then shimmies his hips, and tears off from a standing start towards the byline. Semedo is toast. Pique backs off fatally, allowing Davies to dribble closer and closer to the goal, before reaching the left-hand post and pulling back for Kimmich to slam home. What a dribble that was! What a talent Davies is.
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61 min: The ref goes over to tell the Barca bench to simmer down. They’re on a rolling boil over that Suarez free kick (i.e. very little).
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59 min: Barca looked utterly listless before that goal. Now the fire’s back in their bellies. Perhaps a little too much? Suarez clips Goretzka, then Alba, incensed at the correct award of a free kick, flings the ball in anger at the referee! He should be walking for that, but instead it’s just a yellow. He doesn’t acknowledge the referee upon receiving the booking. He’s really pushing his luck.
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GOAL! Barcelona 2-4 Bayern Munich (Suarez 57)
Out of nothing! Messi swings a pass down the left for Alba, who pulls back for Suarez on the edge of the box. Suarez shapes to go inside, but drops a shoulder to send Boateng away, then steps into the box down the inside-left channel before whipping a shot into the bottom right. Game on?
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56 min: Boateng gives away a needless corner with a misplaced backpass. Nothing happens at the set piece.
54 min: Suarez is booked for a late, frustrated clip on Thiago.
53 min: ... Bayern break upfield, four on three. Lewandowski barges down the left and cuts inside. He loses possession but the ball breaks to Muller inside the box. Muller rounds Ter Stegen and tees up Lewandowski, who slots home. But it’s disallowed, Muller having been caught well offside.
52 min: Davies is booked for flapping his arm in Vidal’s face. It’s a free kick to Barca, just to the right of the Bayern box. And from that ...
51 min: Kimmich floats a pass down the inside-right channel. Goretzka barrels through the huge hole in the Barca defence, chests down, and hoicks over. It’s fairly clear that Bayern have yet to declare.
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49 min: Neuer launches a drop kick down the middle. Muller is suddenly clear of the Barca defence! It’s really that easy. Muller hasn’t quite got the pace to stay ahead of Langlet, but holds him off, spins, and tees up Perisic, who blazes a first-time daisycutter straight at Ter Stegen. A yard either side and that would have been the fifth, with Bayern having to do very little.
48 min: Lewandowski glances a smart header down the right to release Perisic. He cuts back but can’t quite find the in-rushing Muller. Barca mop up.
47 min: It’s already attack versus defence again. Lewandowski teases Semedo down the left. He thinks about crossing. Vidal arrives on the scene to blooter the ball away with extreme prejudice and great feeling.
Barca trudge back onto the pitch, defeat already writ large across every face. Bayern stop just short of walking on air. Barca have made one change, swapping Sergi Roberto for Antoine Griezmann. Bayern get the ball rolling again.
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Half-time postbag ... because, well, y’know, come on, give me a break.
“Bayern’s pressing tonight is something that Klopp would be very proud of; they are relentless. I am decidedly not a fan of either of these clubs and do not like what their dominance/riches are doing to their respective domestic leagues, but I will put that aside for a moment and admit that this is excellent entertainment and that I am enjoying it hugely” - Adam Kline-Schoder
“How Barcelona have not replaced Piqué and Alba in the last five years is beyond explanation. Busquet has looked past his best for two years now. Him, Sergi Roberto, and Semedo are not even pretending to care about protecting the comedy show that is Piqué and Lenglet. The less said about Suárez, the better. This entire squad needs a major refresh” - Billy Graboso
“You’re doing a fantastic job there, Scott, but I’m beginning to think what this this might need a stenographer” - Stelios Jackson (who is now officially permitted to speak for me in all negotiations with management)
“Barcelona’s back four look like they’ve been drilled using George Graham’s old defensive coaching method ... except they forgot to untie the rope” - Justin Kavanagh
“Barcelona, as a club, are massively, spectacularly, in the shite” - Stephen Carr
HALF TIME: Barcelona 1-4 Bayern Munich
Bayern were magnificent going forward, but Barcelona’s defence ... goodness me. Unless he’s got the mother of all half-time speeches tucked up his sleeve, Quique Setién won’t be in a job this time tomorrow.
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45 min: Suarez takes advantage of a loose ball 25 yards from the Bayern goal. He gives it a good old hoof, with much feeling, but it’s straight at Neuer.
44 min: Thiago swings a glorious pass wide right for Muller, who kills it and instantly sends Kimmich away down the channel. Barca would be in real trouble, but fortunately for them, Kimmich stands on the ball, effectively tackling himself.
42 min: Boateng is booked for cynically bringing down Suarez, as the Barca forward looks to launch a quick break. He had Messi on one side, De Jong on the other, so the Bayern defender can have no complaints.
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41 min: Space for Semedo down the right, sent scampering away by Sergi Roberto. He crosses fiercely for Suarez, totally free in the middle ... but the flag goes up for offside. Barca may be a beaten docket at the back, but they’re still carrying a semblance of a threat up the other end.
39 min: Kimmich having won a corner, Lewandowski wins a header. Easy as that, practically unchallenged on the penalty spot. Barca are extremely fortunate that Lewandowski’s downward header is straight at Ter Stegen.
38 min: Davies drives down the left. Kimmich drives down the right. This is beyond embarrassing. Barcelona’s defenders are spinning like teenagers after three cans of warm Special Brew.
36 min: Ter Stegen and Pique get themselves into another awful muddle, allowing Perisic to steal the ball on the left-hand corner of the box. He whips towards the top right, but doesn’t get enough curl on his shot. Never mind! A fair chance another opportunity will be along in a minute.
35 min: Sergi Roberto’s clever flick allows Semedo to move towards the Bayern box on the right. But matters are soon over-complicated and the ball’s soon in Neuer’s hands.
34 min: A corner for Barcelona! Sadly it’s a complete non-event, but small acorns and all that.
32 min: Barcelona are a risible shambles. Goretzka drives down the middle and tries to pass the ball into the bottom-right corner from the edge of the D. A wee bit too cute, that, and Ter Stegen watches the ball trundle harmlessly past the post.
GOAL! Barcelona 1-4 Bayern Munich (Muller 31)
Lewandowski nearly wins a header from Perisic’s left-wing cross. Not quite. Kimmich returns it low towards the near post. Muller, channelling the Brazil-Germany game at the 2014 World Cup, pokes home from close range.
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30 min: Just before Gnabry’s goal, a rumble in the Barca box gifted Lewandowski a half-chance he couldn’t convert from close range. Bayern are going to get a hatful tonight.
28 min: Lewandowski spins Busquets, 20 yards from goal, and he’s one on one with Ter Stegen. Yep, easy as that. It’s genuinely surprising that the net doesn’t bulge. Ter Stegen manages to get a block in, and nothing comes from the resulting corner.
GOAL! Barcelona 1-3 Bayern Munich (Gnabry 27)
Thiago lifts a pass down the middle. Goretzka turns it around the corner for Gnabry, who is free down the channel. Gnabry lashes into the bottom left, and this is quite sensational!
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26 min: From the corner, Messi swings in from the right. He finds Lenglet at the far post. Lenglet heads wide left, but the offside flag goes up anyway.
25 min: Sergi Roberto is sent into space down the right by Messi. His low cross is nearly Djimi Traored into the bottom corner by Boateng, looking to join his team-mate Alaba in the own golazo (copyright Peter Oh) club.
24 min: Thiago glides in from the right and lashes a riser over the bar.
23 min: Meanwhile the needle on the Guardian’s Expected Goals tracker has sheared clean off, and smoke is pouring out of the back.
GOAL! Barcelona 1-2 Bayern Munich (Perisic 21)
Sergi Roberto and Semedo faff around 30 yards from their own goal. Gnabry steals off with the ball and feeds Perisic to his left. Perisic strides into the box and lashes hard for the far corner. The ball takes a nick off Lenglet, foxing Ter Stegen, and flies into the top right. The keeper had no chance, and what power in the shot.
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20 min: Messi dribbles hard at the ragged Bayern back line. He’s got an option to slip Semedo free to his right, but opts to shimmy inside instead. He opens his body and looks for the bottom left, but his powerful curler is snaffled by Neuer.
19 min: ... and then another, which is punched clear by Ter Stegen. Barca try to break through De Jong, who is kicked by Kimmich. It results in a loud yell, but no booking. Both teams have now got away with one.
18 min: From the corner, a free header for Goretzka. He should do better than sending it harmlessly over the bar. Barca play the goal kick out from the back, and immediately ship possession. That leads to another corner ...
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17 min: Thiago slides a pass down the right channel for Gnabry, whose mere presence panics Alba into the needless concession of a corner.
15 min: This could, arguably should, already be 3-3. It’s a marvellous mess. Both defences have had an absolute shocker so far, and long may it continue.
14 min: Davies busies himself down the left, forcing Pique to concede a corner while surrounded by white shirts. The corner’s half cleared, then looped back into the Barca box. Muller tees up Lewandowski with a downward header, but his strike partner can only hook a bouncing ball over the bar.
12 min: Messi cynically clips an in-flight Davies. He should be booked, but, well, Messi.
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10 min: This is getting really silly now! The corner on the right is worked back to Messi, who swings deep. Busquets is one of four Barca players lining up on the edge of the six-yard box. He misses his header, but the ball sails through and caroms off the left-hand post. Bayern clear, and the start of this game has been positively psychedelic.
9 min: This is beyond absurd. Semedo sashays in from the right and nutmegs the discombobulated Alaba. Suarez is clear in the box! He tries to Messi a chip over Neuer, but the keeper blocks out for a corner.
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GOAL! Barcelona 1-1 Bayern Munich (Alaba 7 og)
Bayern’s backline is sprung with similar ease, for the second time already. Jordi Alba skitters down the left. He curls into the centre for Suarez. Alaba, facing his own goal, takes a wild slash with his right peg and sends the ball on an absurd arc over Neuer and into the top right!
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6 min: Muller celebrates his goal with wild delight. That seemed so very easy.
GOAL! Barcelona 0-1 Bayern Munich (Muller 4)
Bayern go straight up the other end and find the net! Perisic makes good down the left and crosses deep. Muller and Lewandowski combine just inside the area, down the inside-right channel, the latter hooking back to allow Muller to welt a shot into the bottom left. What a start!
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3 min: But it’s Barca who nearly open the scoring, breaking upfield, Sergio Roberto racing down the right. He’s got Suarez in the centre, but can’t find him with his cross, Boateng intercepting and allowing Neuer to blooter clear.
2 min: It’s all Bayern in these extremely early stages, Muller and Perisic hovering menacingly in front of the Barca box.
Off we go! Barca get the ball rolling and give up possession quickly. Boateng launches it long, in the hope of releasing Muller down the middle. Too long. It could have been a sensational start with a better ball.
The teams are out! Barca are in their first-choice blaugrana checks, forcing Bayern into second-choice white. The Champions League theme pumps out of the Estádio da Luz PA. We’ll be off in a minute.
Barca and Bayern are the last two previous winners left in this season’s competition. Both have lifted the prize on five occasions, the Catalan giants in 1992, 2006, 2009, 2011 and 2015 ...
... and Bavaria’s best in 1974, 1975, 1976, 1999, 2001 and 2013.
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Round-of-16 retro MBM: Bayern got this far by skelping Chelsea, then skelping them again. Barca made it having followed a 1-1 draw in Naples with a 3-1 win at home.
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Some unwelcome news from Barcelona. Samuel Umtiti, who is currently injured and isn’t in Lisbon with the squad, has tested positive for Covid-19. That’s the second positive test at Barca in a few days, Jean-Clair Todibo being the other.
Barcelona make two changes to the starting XI sent out to beat Napoli 3-1 last week, welcoming back Sergio Busquets and Arturo Vidal. Ivan Rakitic and Antoine Griezmann drop to the bench. Bayern name the same XI selected for the 4-1 breeze against Chelsea.
The teams
Barcelona: ter Stegen, Semedo, Pique, Lenglet, Jordi Alba, Sergi Roberto, Busquets, de Jong, Vidal, Messi, Suarez.
Subs: Rakitic, Dembele, Neto, Griezmann, Firpo, Pena, Puig, Fati, Araujo, Monchu, Mingueza, Reis.
Bayern Munich: Neuer, Kimmich, Boateng, Alaba, Davies, Thiago, Goretzka, Gnabry, Muller, Perisic, Lewandowski.
Subs: Odriozola, Sule, Javi Martinez, Coutinho, Cuisance, Lucas, Tolisso, Ulreich, Coman, Zirkzee, Hoffmann, Musiala.
Referee: Damir Skomina (Slovenia).
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Preamble
Barcelona and Bayern Munich have met three times before at the business end of the European Cup. Each time, the result has been emphatic. In the 2009 quarters, Lionel Messi scored twice as Barca spanked Bayern 4-0 at Camp Nou, before earning a 1-1 draw in Munich. In the 2013 semis, Thomas Muller was the two-goal hero as Bayern trounced Barca 4-0 in the first leg, then embarrassed them 3-0 in Catalunya to complete a seven-goal rout. And in the 2015 semis, Messi scored twice again in a 3-0 home win as Barca laid the foundations for a 5-3 aggregate victory.
On each occasion, the winner of the tie went on to lift the trophy. On each occasion, there has been plenty of goals, On each occasion, one of the giants of European football has skulked away with a big, red, embarrassed face, tail between the legs. Most neutrals would take more of the same for tonight’s quarter-final showdown, I’ll be bound. This is a summit meeting between the only two previous winners left in the draw. It’s a one-off tie. It could go to extra time. It could even go to penalties. It’ll almost certainly cause one of football’s behemoths a whole world of pain. It’s on!
Kick off: 8pm BST, 8pm in Lisbon.
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