HE’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE
Here’s the Fiver’s bold and brave prediction: Lionel Messi will still be a Barcelona player come the start of the new season. He’s quit Argentina a hundred times before, so we don’t see why this should be any different. But if we must dance the dance, while everyone at Barcelona dances the dance, then so be it. He’s off, kids! But to where? And when? And for how much? And where?
The obvious fit is Manchester City. They’ve got the money, they’ve got Pep, and they’ve got a major complex about the quarter-final stage of Big Cup. Messi’s wealth of experience in Europe would surely be a boon as City strive for the trophy that continues to elude them, at least until they go a goal down in the second leg of a tie that looked in the bag, at which point he’ll stroll about with his head down, pretending the latest abject capitulation has nothing whatsoever to do with him.
Manchester United are also reportedly interested, although whether they appeal to Messi is another thing altogether. At 33 years of age, he’d not have enough time to beat Cristiano Ronaldo’s tally of 118 goals for the club, so that’d be yet another comparison in which he comes off second best, like he does with international tournaments, and Big Cups. Where’s the attraction in that?
Other reported options include Big Cup one-season wonders PSG, metal-repelling fallen giants Inter, and of course Stoke City, with a contract stipulating he’ll only play on Saturdays when it’s sunny, specifically to stick two fingers up to Richard Keys and Andy Gray. But as we say, the most likely outcome is that he’ll stay put, Ronald Koeman having had his wings clipped in the wake of his poor man’s Marsellus Wallace “lost your Camp Nou privileges” routine, and that Barça will continue to be the soap-opera skip fire that keeps on blazing for another few seasons, or until Messi finally retires, whichever is sooner. Lump on whoever they draw in next season’s round of 16.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Where is the empathy and sympathy towards people who were simply doing their job but ended up being violently attacked? My clients, the policemen, would be ready to accept an apology. One of them was thrown to the ground and in great pain afterwards. Theoretically the decision could be a very different one if Maguire was man enough and did what he should have done all along and apologised” – the prosecuting lawyer handling the Harry Maguire case in Greece has suggested the Manchester United defender could be spared charges if he says sorry.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Listen to the Football Weekly pod talk Messi, Maguire and Barry’s expensive nights out in Vegas.
FIVER LETTERS
“Finally, Weird Uncle Fiver gets the fame he has so long craved, when he was featured in panel five of the excellent cartoon by expert football squiggler David Squires. He can pretend it’s Julian Nagelsmann all he likes, we all know the (alarming) truth” – Derek McGee.
You have to laugh at Southampton going to all the trouble of creating a parody video based on the Fyre Music Festival Farce in order to launch their new kit and then having to announce that they had to pull the plug on their shirt sponsorship deal with LD Sports because they’re not ‘an appropriate and viable partner’” – Thomas Nolan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Derek McGee.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The guys in charge of Leeds United have looked at Patrick Bamford, thought long and hard … and made a beeline for Valencia to agree a fee for Valencia striker Rodrigo.
Everton must overcome objections from Unesco, Historic England and The Victorian Society to build a new stadium on Liverpool’s waterfront.
A knotty deal between Sky Sports and the EFL has been struck to allow season-ticket holders to stream non-televised games. It’s all explained here.
Defender-cum-defendant Harry Maguire will be keeping the armband at Old Trafford, it seems.
Pep and the gang are getting increasingly hopeful that Lionel Messi will soon count Scott Carson as a teammate.
And evergreen goal machine Jamie Vardy has signed a new contract with Leicester until 2023. Lovely stuff.
STILL WANT MORE?
Where might Messi go? Niall McVeigh has a stab at the options.
David Hytner on Maguire, and Gareth Southgate’s bizarre decision to include the defender in his latest England squad. David has also watched Spurs’ Amazon All or Nothing treatment, and you’ll never guess who takes most of the limelight.
Chelsea are playing free and easy with the pursestrings again. But long before one R. Abramovic waltzed in, the great splurge of 1930 didn’t quite pan out, as Scott Murray relays.
The Knowledge feels we haven’t had enough statue chat this year. Keep scrolling to find a gem of a pic from Bohemians 1905.
Culture dept: does Apple TV’s Ted Lasso finally mean crack the footy-does-sitcom code? Spoilers: pfft no.
Is James Rodríguez taking the Thomas Gravesen gravy train from Madrid to Everton? Some Argentinian fella also comes up in today’s Mill.
Check out the latest men’s and women’s summer transfer interactives.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
