You know how people ask that question: who would be your dream dinner-party guests? The G7 summit is that in reverse: featuring a group of people, many of whom are so odious you’d crawl under a tablecloth to avoid them if you saw them in a restaurant. And then log on to TripAdvisor to warn other punters never to set foot in the place.
True, they’re not all awful – but the ratio isn’t great. Here are the highlights and lowlights from Biarritz (which, until last week, Trump thought was a burger option at McDonald’s).
Please look at this photograph and remind yourself that these two men are now in charge of two of the world’s most powerful countries. These two.
You probably didn’t think the G7 summit would include a gaggle of surfers surrounding Brigitte Macron. But that’s what we have here. Is Brigitte in danger? Difficult to say, but surfboards have the potential to be the sort of physical comedy weapon that could take someone out, and then take them out again when the surfer turns around.
Angela Merkel is clearly smiling here – because she’s checking a WhatsApp group she’s in with her mates, which is full of voice-message impressions of the worst of Trump’s quotes from the weekend – and slow zooms on the disbelieving faces of aides and journalists when they had to hear the real thing. Given that the US has tapped Merkel’s phone before, we’ll probably get the contents soon enough.
This is basically a gender-flipped version of the Distracted Boyfriend meme.
Here, Melania (along with Akie Abe) poses with a group of children who, thanks to her husband’s environmental policies – he literally skipped G7 talks on the climate crisis – will probably have a life as uncomfortable as being trapped on a new Routemaster bus during a heatwave. But, hey, it’s OK, because she appears to have given them leaflets with a tree on them, which will definitely make all the difference. Given that it’s possible to kill potted plants by over-watering them (I found this out the hard way), I don’t think trees survive when they are submerged under rising oceans. But cute photo op!!!
I can’t say what the inspiration for this picture was, but, I think with 80% certainty that it’s Beyoncé’s Run the World (Girls). Except of course they don’t, because everyone in this picture is a spouse. Somehow men still run the world, despite the fact they’re making an almighty mess of it.
These two have had a rough ride of it recently. Justin Trudeau’s popularity has plummeted as he’s been caught up in a corruption scandal – something even his jaunty socks have yet to mitigate – while Emmanuel Macron has had to face gilets jaunes protests for the best part of a year.
But what helps one through difficult times? Strong relationships. True love. I’ve never seen a photograph that looks more like a screengrab of two actors coming out on YouTube: finishing each other’s sentences as they open up about how they first set eyes on each other, disappointing legions of teen girls. The comments underneath the video are split evenly between well-wishers, devastated-cry-face emojis and angry religious types making typos on the word disgusting.
SO many happy couples! High temperatures and blazing sun!
Is this the G7 summit or an episode of Love Island??!! Well, not exactly Love Island: that’s a show taking place in a world where everyone is straight and politics don’t exist and contestants complain about their privacy being invaded despite literally going on a TV show, the whole point of which is to lay bare their love lives – and their bodies.
The socks.
Here we have the Australian prime minister, Scott Morrison, presumably thinking the same thing we are: that the G7 logo is crap and looks like a medal ribbon – but for a medal that is handed out just for taking part. At a school sports day, say. No idea about the font, except to say it almost certainly came pre-packaged with Windows 95.
This looks like the start of a television quiz show in which the contestants are forced to crane their necks upwards for a dramatic opening shot that the producer still considers to be actual genius.
Speaking of genius – there are quite a few shots in the G7 photo-sets which are closeups of shoes. Just shoes. GUY BOURDIN LIVES!
I’m not sure I have ever seen a more terrifying picture: Donald Trump looks like Freddy Krueger crawling into your nightmares, while also crawling out of the television on which you are watching Freddy Krueger. Trump is a nightmare on every street.
This appears to be Trump kissing Merkel on the nose and I just don’t want to dwell on that any further.
It’s nice of them here to arrange themselves in height order, as if they were at the front of a queue for a rollercoaster and the attendants is deciding on who is allowed on the front row before fastening the strap in a way that makes you fear for your life. The guy on the far right is cheating, however, because of his huge hat, which is not subtle. He’s also the guy who would turn up to an Oxford open day in a suit.
I’m telling you, as with Justin ’n’ Emmanuel, this is happening. You heard it here first. And then on the cover of W magazine.
And I’ll leave you with this, which is Macron cosplaying as a Bond villain. But even with Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s immense talent on board, I doubt even she will be able to come up with the kind of egotistical, maniacal malefactors to compete with the lot who currently rule the world.
• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist
