To Whom It May Concern:
I saw your advertisement for the job of "Governor of the Bank of England" in the Economist (I was at the dentist; someone else got to Grazia first), and am writing to apply for the post. I understand the job requires "good economic knowledge", and although I cannot pretend to be an expert on European bail out structures or the Libor scandal, I do grasp what's happening in the financial markets right now: essentially, money is dying. I also know you have had a few people rule themselves out for the position already, so I figure I'm in with a shot.
As for solutions to the present crisis, I am, like the current governor, very big on quantitative easing (QE, I call it). Believe me, there have been many times in my life when the ability to simply print more money would have solved everything, and I'm looking forward to getting stuck in.
I see your requirements call for someone with good interpersonal skills. I take it that by this you mean "someone with better interpersonal skills than Sir Mervyn King", in which case, I'm definitely qualified. I totally get how important people skills are for maintaining market confidence. You want someone who will answer the phone by saying: "Hello, I'm the governor of the Bank of England. How may I help you today?" It's so much more inspiring than a recording that says: "If you need us to print more money, press 2."
I hope you will consider me, as I am confident I have what it takes to lead the Bank of England, chair the Monetary Policy Committee and safeguard the stability of the UK financial system. In the meantime, I have a few questions about the position:
• Your ad says the successful candidate will "work closely with the chancellor of the exchequer". Is this non-negotiable? Because I'm not sure I can be in the same room with him without booing. I can't be the only applicant who has asked about this.
• Does the job come with a clothing allowance? I don't know what your dress code is like, but I only own two ties, and one of them has Stewie from Family Guy saying "Happy Freakin' Holidays" on it.
• How does the money-printing machine work? Do I get a key for it, or does it just scan my retina or something? Asking on behalf of a friend.
I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon about interview dates (Tuesdays are bad for me).
Best,
Tim Dowling
