Mel and Sue are pure of heart
Not mentioning the week’s biggest Bake Off controversy would be like a zookeeper trying to ignore elephants in the room. The some-would-say-ironically-named Love productions, who developed the show with the BBC, have sold it to Channel 4 for £25m, and lost key talent in the process. Most people assume Hollywood will live up to his starry name and follow the dough. Not Mel and Sue though, who quit in response to the news the show was leaving its spiritual home. They chose the dusty grail, for they know the true value of things. They are both expected to be replaced by Vernon Kay.
Selasi hasn’t done his homework
How do you solve a problem like Selasi? He’s been everyone’s favourite since week one, due to his cool demeanour, obvious chops, and willingness to help others. But as the series wears on, he’s displaying a certain back-of-the-classroom rebel quality. It’s most entertainingly expressed in gobshite improvisations and backchat. (See last week’s obvious bollocks about Bedouin genies gifting him the recipe for tear ‘n’ share bread). This week, he explained his wildly inconsistent Yorkshire puddings away as “child and adult sized.” When Paul flatly told him his churros were burnt, Selasi replied “… Are they?” The BS is strong with him.
Kate is better than you vol 17
Meanwhile Kate, the school swot with the pink Power Ranger pencil case, plucked another scroll from the weighty chronicles of her perfect life. The one thing her husband and her have argued over, she revealed, is whether Yorkshire puddings should be eaten on Christmas Day. The one thing. Not childcare or money or sex. The somewhat niche category of Yorkshire puddings, subsection: Xmas Day. When her fatty wabbits saw her evicted in the showstopper round, visions of her sitting in a show home and letting the repressed rage of 20 years explode were impossible to avoid. All the animals were afraid.
Mary Berry does not think you are good
Anyone who ever doubted the insidious trauma of a Mary Berry putdown need only watch last night’s episode. “Shall we say if you’re fond of fennel it’s fine?” she asked of Tom’s underbaked snake churros, with alliterative flourish. “But it’s hard to eat.” Her assassination of a lacy pancake, “a bit simplistic and a little on the thick side” could have been her personal assessment on any of the boys, while Kate’s heart visibly sagged when Berry dismissed her as “clumsy”. Paul did his blunderbuss thing, slapping down batters like a disgruntled prison screw, but it was Berry what slipped the shank between the bars.
Paul is pulling it out of his arse now
Like a dad on the fourth day of half term, it seemed like Paul had run out of ideas. Lacy pancakes for a technical challenge? The entire instruction, as revealed by Candice being, “make a pancake batter”? Come on mate. It’s not that technical, and the contestants’ main challenge was using squeezy bottles of batter without looking like they were vending hot dogs. The hole-ridden final results didn’t look great, and sounded worse than useless. “You can’t put Nutella on that!” rang the cry from the social media masses, close to revolting. Let them eat cake, as Mary would probably advise.
