OUR BIG CUP RUNNETH OVER
After 189 games, including preliminary rounds, qualifying rounds, the play-offs and group stages, Big Cup is finally down to the last 16 clubs. And on Monday morning, in the dormant volcano Uefa calls its lair, those teams were paired for the first of the knockout stages to take place in February next year. While any outcome was likely to spell bad tidings for Manchester United, the news they’ll be playing PSG may have prompted a handful involved with the club – their manager, all their players and every single one of their fans – to wish they hadn’t actually over-achieved by getting out of their group. It’s usually customary to say these are the games “you dream of playing in”; after the shellacking they suffered at the hands of Liverpool, this is the stuff of nightmares for United.
“We have the quality to win at Old Trafford,” cheered PSG manager Thomas Tuchel, as Kylian Mbappé, Edinson Cavani and Neymar could be seen high-fiving and flossing in the background. “I’m confident for my team, but it’s a great test, a challenge.” While even the most delusional of United loyalists could be forgiven for dreading what PSG might do to the disorganised rabble that currently constitutes their team, they can at least console themselves with the notion that the first leg isn’t for two months and whoever has replaced Mourinho by then might have whipped United into something resembling a shape. Having mauled United on Sunday, Liverpool were paired with Bayern Munich, a team they have not faced since August 2001, when 5ive’s Let’s Dance was top of the charts and The Fiver could still bend down without groaning. “The odds are 50-50,” tooted Bayern boss Niko Kovac, who is in for a bit of a shock if he checks the actual odds with a bookie.
The two other English teams will also face German opposition, which could make for some heartwarmingly parochial and jingoistic tabloid headlines in the coming weeks. Manchester City have been paired with Schalke, who are currently languishing 13th in the Bundesliga. And while the Uefa website would have us believe the German team’s defender and one-time City Young Player of the Season, Matija Nastasic, said “for me, these two games will certainly be very special as I wore the Citizen shirt for three years”, The Fiver is struggling with that one because nobody refers to City by that name. So to Spurs who, having scraped through to the knockout stages, have also been rewarded with a two-legged tie against a German side, specifically Borussia Dortmund, who are no fewer than nine points clear at the top of the table and unbeaten in their domestic league. They’re managed by Lucien Favre, a noted modernist, tactician and fan of attacking football. Also renowned for making his players suffer in training, this “poet” and “Einstein” at least shares one trait with the increasingly redundant Mourinho.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t drink beer that often but this was a first perfect step to help us. I heard when it works like this, you have to do it every game at home – we’ll see” – Southampton boss Ralph Hasenhüttl on the decision to give free booze to every season-ticket holder at Sunday’s 3-2 win over Arsenal.
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FIVER LETTERS
“This is pantomime season and even the gaudy spectacle of Premier League football needs a credible villain whom we can boo and hiss. Right now, the Special One’s Machiavellian twisted genius has faded to such an extent that we can only hope he finds a lamp in the Old Trafford laundry basket and gives it a rub. I’m tempted to ask if Jürgen Klopp is getting fed up with people shouting: ‘He’s behind you! Nineteen points behind you.’ But I’d be buried by an ‘Oh no he isn’t!’ avalanche” – Mark McFadden.
“Following the report on Big Website that Newcastle United have once again cancelled their Christmas party, I did hear a rumour that the suits at Old Trafford have come up with a cunning cost-saving initiative which will see the club combining their Christmas and end-of-season parties into one big shindig early next week. Keynote speaker: Noble Francis” – Allastair McGillivray.
“Given that Manchester United are now, points-wise, nearer to Fulham at the bottom of the table than to Liverpool at the top, isn’t it about time they called in Sam Allardyce to save them from the drop?” – Steve J.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Mark McFadden, who snaffles a copy of Richard Foster’s new book, From an Acute Angle.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Three Chelsea fans were spoken to by police after officers received reports of antisemitic chanting on a train carrying fans after Sunday’s win at Brighton.
It’ll be the Queen’s Celtic v Valencia, Malmö v Chelsea and Bate Borisov v Arsenal in Big Vase’s last 32, although the Gunners’ home leg on 20 February will be a 5pm GMT kick-off because Chelsea have to play at home that night too. “The announcement shows the scant regard Uefa holds for match-attending supporters and will undoubtedly impact on the attendance figures,” sighed Lois Langton, chair of the Arsenal Independent Supporters’ Association.
Anderlecht have given coach Hein Vanhaezebrouck the boot after being knocked out of Big Vase and slumping to fourth in the Belgian league. “The team does not have enough points,” fumed club suit Michael Verschueren. “We need to stop this trend.”
And the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers are back on top of the Scottish Premiership after a 1-0 win over Hamilton coupled with Hibs beating the Queen’s Celtic 2-0. “We need to look in the January window,” tooted Brendan Rodgers.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jonathan Wilson on José Mourinho: “This feels like a manager shaking a kaleidoscope and hoping for the best.”
Barney Ronay on Mourinho: “This was beyond dire – dire squared, dire football played in dire fashion by a dire selection.”
The Yellow Submarine is getting that sinking feeling again, reports Sid Lowe.
The ugly spectre of racism in football is leaving its scars around Europe, as revealed by our survey.
How can a sport worth billions spend just a pittance on fighting racism, muses Daniel Taylor.
You should definitely read Amy Lawrence’s interview with Jamie Lawrence.
In defence of Lyon manager Bruno Génésio.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
