Dear Coleen,
I’m a woman aged 29 and I’ve been chatting online to a guy I met through a dating app. I liked his profile and his photo (he looked handsome) and we just hit it off. We had a couple of phone calls, too, and he seemed so funny and charming.
Cutting to the chase, we had an actual date last week and I couldn’t have been more shocked and disappointed when he rocked up to the bar.
First of all, he didn’t look like his photo at all, which must have been taken years ago when he still had all his hair and no beer gut. But it wasn’t just about his appearance – he came across as a bit cocky and arrogant, which might have been down to nerves – and I didn’t gel with him.
This has left me with a couple of dilemmas. Firstly, he keeps messaging me to arrange another date, which I’m not keen on, but feel weird turning him down as we’d chatted so much online before meeting.
Secondly, my confidence is at an all-time low. A few years ago, I had a radar for guys who aren’t what they seem, so I feel like a sucker and don’t trust myself to make the right choices.
Please help!
Coleen says
Don’t throw in the towel after one bad date. I chatted to a few men on the phone or via text, then met up with them and thought: “No thank you”. I understand online dating can feel a bit like looking through a catalogue but, like a catalogue, there is a returns policy!
I know it’s annoying when you’ve invested time in someone and that’s why it’s so important to be honest online or you end up wasting everyone’s time.
But even if it’s an OK date and you get on well, the chemistry has to be there. So, don’t feel bad about saying you don’t think you’re the right match.
Please don’t agree to a second date just because you feel bad for him. Move on.
Perhaps next time you connect with someone, have a Zoom call, which will give you a much better indication of what someone is really like.
And I don’t think your radar is off at all. If it was, it wouldn’t be telling you that this guy isn’t right for you, so this experience shouldn’t make you lose confidence.
Be clear in your own mind as to what is important to you in a partner, but also try to keep an open mind.
