You are Boris Johnson. It has been a hell of a year: you discovered you were a closet Brexiteer, shovelled your prime ministerial ambitions into the dustbin of history and became foreign secretary anyway. And now, to cap off this giddy farce, you have actually become prime minister. Acting, at least. And we suppose you were always acting, in a way.
Right now, Theresa May is off on holiday in her mountain lair in Switzerland. But someone still has to run Britain. Or at least, give the impression that Britain is still capable of being run (the experts remain divided on that).
It has fallen to you. In the absence of any official handbook for the job, you’ve got to rely on your common sense. Obviously, this is a major issue. Common sense has never been your strong suit, so we’ve compiled a short set of guidelines.
1. Don’t encourage the British people to vote for another of your half-meant, opportunistic schemes
One Brexit is enough for May to clear up right now. If she comes back and there has been a plebiscite on abolishing clocks, or you’ve channelled nationalistic fervour into digging up the crops and sowing gemstones instead, there will be consequences for you, too, this time.
2. Stall for time on Hinkley Point
If a man with a Chinese accent calls, asking after his £8bn, just tell him the cheque is in the post. If he keeps ringing, tell him he’ll need a court order if he’s going to start removing furniture. If another man with a Chinese accent calls, asking if we could just fax over the blueprints so he can check the fonts haven’t gone out of whack as he has recently switched over to MS Word from Pages, call MI6.
3. Stay quiet about Labour
Right now, the party is the closest thing to the Papua New Guinea tribespeople you had to apologise for insulting: they seem quite content destroying themselves and don’t need any interjections from you at this point. If you wade into this, one well-timed bon mot and there is a good chance all the wailing and gnashing of teeth will turn to singing and smacking of lips. You could easily end up being an atom bomb of peace and unity across the left. Think of May saying the words: “You did what?” in that low Thatcher burr she used at PMQs, and act accordingly.
4. Be nice to President Erdoğan
Remember your Foreign Office briefing notes. The official position is that Turkey is our friend, but now that it is our Russian frenemy’s friend again it is increasingly our enemy also, except that it is our friend in Nato. Which is why President Erdoğan is a very nice man engaged in a civil and well-managed bloodbath to quell a coup we would have been slightly pleased to see happen but now have to just shut up and turn a blind eye about. He’s not, repeat not, “a wankera”, as you put it in a limerick in May.
5. Avoid diplomacy
No point starting now.
