Oh - before I go, Michael McKiterick writes:
“HI Matt. How many 11th holes are there at the Australian? Have you been enjoying the hospitality again?”
Answer: one.
And: yes.
Okay! Bye for now. Peace out. goodbye.
Righto. Thanks for reading/watching/whatever it is you do in this particular medium, been a pleasure to bring it to you, as I’ve said before this isn’t a job it’s a crime against the Roman God of Labor, Workquitehardius.
Something like it. But it’s a fine gig, and I look forward to gibbering with you again tomorrow.
Okay. I’m Matt Cleary. And bye for now.
Okay, the people. That’s about us here at this Jessica-Alba-gorgeous The Australian Golf Club. We’ve seen some ker-racking golf today, it’s been super-tough, but these golf-men, as they say, are good.
Greg Chalmers is our leader, by one from Rory McIlrory who started like a bad Muppet and finished like the world No.1. He remains our favourite.
The rest of these guys, you be the judge:
Greg Chalmers -5
Rory McIlroy-4
Adam Crawford -4
Todd Sinnott (Am)-4
Conrad Shindler -4
Jordan Spieth -3
Geoff Drakeford -3
Brett Rumford -3
Robert Allenby -2
Rod Pampling-2
Jake Higginbottom -2
Adam Scott -2
Rhein Gibson -2
Scott Gardiner -1
Matthew Griffin -1
Richard Green -1
Rohan Blizard -1
Righto, all the action is on 18, now, and Geoff Ogilvy, who’s on +4, about the cut ... he makes a putt and is now +3. Looks safe for the weekend. Need to go low twice to win this baby, one would suggest.
Okay - onto 18 and Greg Chalmers our Dear Leader ... long putt for birdie ... and ...boom! Gets it. He’s our outright leader at -5, Greg Chalmers, a former champion.
Okay, The People, The Australian, The Australian Open, and we’re on the 18th hole watching Greg Chalmers, our Dear Leader, one of em. He’s whacked his third shot onto the green of the par-5. Not the greatest shot in the history of golf because that was Phil Mickelson from the pine-straw on the 13th at Augusta, in my opinion, perhaps not yours.
But Greg Chalmers is in contention. Indeed he leads.
And so does Adam Crawford and Todd Sinnott, the amateur, which in golf means still very good but we won’t pay him to do it, unlike other more sneering descriptions of “amateur”, why must people be so unkind.
Replays on the telly of Adam Scott’s 5-under, a top round. Be good to play golf that well. But then you’d have to sell you soul to Beelzebub. Which wouldn’t be that great.
Okay - Richard Green, the tall drink of water from ... wherever he’s from ... he whacks one off the tee, he’s 3-under and thereabouts.
This tournament ... we’ll know more about the winner tomorrow. There’s a thousand people in contention. Maybe not a thousand. But a lot, man. A lot.
Righto, where are we ... on the par-4 eleventh, it’s 426m, a long way, heap of water , there’s been 8 birdies, 72 pars and a rather lot of bogeys, it’s a tricky one. Greg Chalmers? He’s co-leading. And navigates the fairway high-diddle.
Brett Rumford? Same-same. These men ... they’re just so good at golf it should be illegal.
Our Rory? He’s whacking away, in contention. Good at golf.
And ... what? Conrad Schindler? TV showing vision of Conrad Schindler, if that really is his name, whacking an iron into the par-3 Lexus Hole, the 11th. He whacks it middle green. And good luck to him. You spend that much time practicing at one thing, in this case golf, you deserve to be good.
Updated
Okay - 16th hole and it’s Our Rory, on the tee ... he’s ... well. He’s whaled that like that book about whales. Or a whale. the one where someone goes inside a whale. Amazing how your brain ... Moby Dick! Rory McIlroy has whaled his drive like Moby dick on the 16th hole, and is 2-under and two off the pace in the national open golf championship of Australia despite not playing really very well. But when you’re good, you can just be good. Which is nice.
Who’s winning this national championship of Australia? One of these dudes, perhaps. But they could come from anywhere. Particularly as Rory McIlroy is -1. It’s playing pretty tough, The Australian. And these uber-men of golf are playing for pars.
Jordan Spieth -3
Geoff Drakeford -3
Greg Chalmers -3
Adam Crawford -3
Robert Allenby -2
Rod Pampling -2
Jake Higginbottom -2
Adam Scott -2
Rhein Gibson -2
TV types focusing on Jarrod Lyle now, he’s 7-over and battling away to play on the weekend, but is back from the Big C, again, and wears a yellow hat like the duck the symbol of his charity. Robert Allenby is massively involved in the same charity, and met a young Jarrod Lyle when he was 15 or something and in bed battling Leukemia. And if I didn’t spell that right who gives a crap it’s cancer hell with cancer I’ll spell it Bwiiintxxx if I like, Leukemia be buggered. In fact it doesn’t deserve a capital, bwiintxx.
What? Yes! Jarrod Lyle beat Leukemia or however you spell it bloody twice, and here he is playing golf in the national open golf championship of Australia.
Played golf with him once, he hits the bastard a thousand metres every time.
The cut? Looks about +4 ... which means there’s about 20 golfing men thinking like Marge Simpson in that worried way when Homer tells of his latest Plan... Hmmmm...
Full leaderboard here. Think the Guardian’s IT dudes could link up something, get it “live” here on the site. IT dudes can do that. I used to be one. Started out working on a Helpdesk. You know how we fixed stuff? Ctrl-Alt-Del. Reboot that bad-boy, User Person. And then see how you go.
Solved 85 per cent. True story.
Okay - everyone, in your best Mr Burns:
“Todd Sinnott, eh?”
How about him? The electronic magic of the globally connected “web” of computers known as the “Internet” tells us Todd is world-ranked No.1023, and hails from the Victorian town of Melbourne, and it says on his Victoria Institute of Sport profile that: “Second is just the first looser”.
True story. But good luck to him. He finished 17th in the Masters last week, and can obviously play the game of golf quite well.
New leader! Greg Chalmers, he won this tournament a couple of years ago at The Lakes, he’s 4-under. And leads these people:
Jordan Spieth -3
Geoff Drakeford -3
Adam Crawford -3
Richard Green -3
Todd Sinnott (Am) -3
Robert Allenby-2
Rod Pampling -2
Jake Higginbottom -2
Greg Chalmers, one of the leaders ... chopped one into the bark on 13.
Rory for ... oh! Lip out! Not just a lip-out, a horse-shoe lip out. And that’s a bogey-5.
Okay ... where are we? Rory’s on 13 ... he’s chipped from off the green, to ... thereabouts. He’s got a ten footer. Been hitting ten foot putts for a while, Rory, and good luck to him.
Jarrod Lyle - birdie! He hasn’t had many, he’s 7-over. Brett Rumford ... he’s birdied the same hole.
My - Rory has unleashed his driver on 12 ... wow. Booming drive. He’s playing with Geoff Ogilvy, renowned as the Smartest Man In Golf Or One of Em. He’s +5 ... and blocked his drive, somewhat ... but it’s still in very good nick, given it’s a thousand yards from its maker, these people can hit the ball like Bluto, Popeye’s enemy whacking a thing at a carnival to impress Olive Oyl.
OH -what a putt from Rory. He’s slid a huge putt up a tier on 18 (his ninth), a genuine bomb. He’s now ... 1-under. And well in contention. One-over today.
And even as I write, he’s birdied again - here comes the Irish Wolfhound, he’s a ripper Rory, how good is he at golf.
Answer: Very good. The best there is.
Victory in Melbourne @victoryinmelb “Also doubt that venerable and Civic Pool will ever be in the same sentence again.”
This makes three of us, probably more.
Matt Jones, on the par-3 Lexus Hole, the 11th ... he’s gone the Greg Chalmers route into the crowd ... but doesn’t get the favourable bounce.
Brett Rumford, two off the pace at 1-under. He’s been around a while, Brett Rumford. Sitting next to a mate of mine, Paulo, we were watching Brett Rumford once at Royal Canberra and Paulo gave me 8-1 on Brett Rumford and when Brett Rumford missed a putt to get him in the lead Paulo cheered quite loudly. He doesn’t understand etiquette, Paulo. Good fellah, however.
Here’s Richard Green, -3, equal leader ... in the greenside trap ... great shot. These men own the sand. Own it. He’s knocked it up to tap-in. And remains our Dear Leader.
Okay, here’s Greg Chalmers, on the 11th, the Lexus Par 3 hole ... he blocks it ... OH! HE’S WHACKED IT OFF SOMEONE’S HEAD! AND IT’S NEARLY GONE IN!
Ha. Not off that spectator’s head. The leg, perhaps. Or belly But’s now one inch from the hole. Ha. Great game, golf.
Geoff Foley @Gfol83 says: “I doubt the venerable old Civic Pool will ever be uttered in the same paragraph as Jessica Alba again.”
Word, brother. Word.
Who’s winning? These dudes:
T1 Jordan Spieth -3
T1 Geoff Drakeford -3
T1 Richard Green -3
T1 Todd Sinnott (Am) -3
Followed by these dudes:
T6 Robert Allenby-2
T6 Rod Pampling-2
T6 Jake Higginbottom -2
T6 Adam Scott -2
Updated
My but this is a beautiful course, beautiful like a Pine and Lime Splice on a hot day doing bombs off top tower at Civic Pool. Beautiful like Jessica Alba on that same hot day playing golf in China, and if you haven’t seen Jessica Alba playing golf on a hot day in China then I urge you, and strongly, to Google search images at your earliest convenience. The girl is smokin’. And playing golf - which isn’t a sport one often associates with gob-droppingly shtonking-beautiful Hollywood hotties - I dunno, something about it.
Here’s a video. I like totally love her a thousand, perhaps more.
And on the old email:
Jon O’Neill: Pretty funny stuff mate. ( I was gunna say f***ing funny but didn’t want to pump up your tyres too much ) cheers Jon.
James Lawrence: You’re funny.
Joe Lynn. “ His card for his first 9 holes read: 6 1 3 4 4 4 4 4 4 4, fine numbers. I guess it was 10 holes?
Someone was always going to count those numbers, Joe Lynn, and bless you for it.
Shout out time to the incredibly kind folks who wrote incredibly kind missives to me yesterday, it’s things like that, along with the two hundred bucks, that make this gig worthwhile.
James Smith @JamesSmith1001: @JournoMatCleary I liked your commentary yesterday too. Especially the part about Kerry Packer’s biscuits.
Heather McAllister @Bellweather666. @JournoMatCleary I just discovered your golf commentary on The Australian Open through Twitter and want to say how much I like how you write.
Sal Sofia @SFSRUofC @JournoMatCleary thanks for great summary of round 1 & for noticing Brendon’s pants. This guy @fsquaredgolf does great work w/pro golfers!
The news of this morning? Adam Scott and his Adam Scott-like charge up the leaderboard. Adam Scott did this morning: Five-under 65 - hot round from the World No.2 and all-round Top Man of Golf in this country and most others. Could you shoot 65 at the Australian? Or anywhere? In 18 holes? Chances are you couldn’t shoot 65 over 8-12 of these super golf holes if you’re an 8-marker from Long Reef up Collaroy way, no sirree Bob Shearer.
Bob Shearer? One of the cavalcade of Top Aussie Golfers in the 80s, along with Ian Baker-Finch, Rodger Davis and, of course, old Great White Shark, Greg Norman, the cunning old Carcharodon carcharias, also known as the great white, white pointer, white shark, white death, and “Greg”.
Mostly Shark, though.
Bob Shearer? His wife Kathie runs the media centre at Australian golf tournaments with a rod of prehensile iron, the hardest kind.
No she doesn’t she’s nice.
Okay - welcome back to The Australian for Round Two of this Australian Open golf championship. Absolutely cracking day for golf or anything really, perhaps 25 degrees, with a light southerly breeze wafting across the green velvet lady lumps of this venerable yet extremely beautiful golf course.
Venerable? Beautiful? If The Australian golf course was an actress it would be Raquel Welch, star of One Billion Years BC, a film from 1966 depicted a “savage world whose only law was lust!”
Well. Something like it. In fact that’s a little off tangent, a bit askance, perhaps.
But it remains a spectacular golf course.
I’m Matt Cleary and I’m here until a bit after 5 to bring you all the Action from this Friday Round Two. Should be all good.
Greetings, Australians, and welcome back to the Australian, the golf club nestled like a velvet green tongue in the inner depths of Rosebery in Sydney’s suburban east. It’s round two of the Australian Open, and the joint is ready to rumble.
Maybe not rumble, it’s golf not cage fighting. Golfers don’t ... rumble. But it’s definitely time for the pretenders and contenders to ante up.
For if Saturday is “Moving Day” (though you’d think it shouldn’t make any difference what day you play really good golf, the four rounds add up to the same number), then Friday is: “You know what? I would like to play on the weekend Day.” And it’s time to make that statement.
One who’s decided that Yes, I would like to play on the weekend is Adam “Zoolander” Scott, the spunky golf hottie from Queensland who shot 3-over 74 yesterday, the equivalent of a club chopper having 26 points in the Wednesday stableford comp. But Adam is a lot better at golf than all bar one other person (Rory McIlroy) on this glorious green little planet, and followed up Round One’s malarkey with 5-under 66. He’s now two-under job lot and one off the pace.
Leading is American Wonder Kid Jordan Spieth who conjured a one-over 72 today, and remains in the lead. Sharing top billing with him is Geoff Drakeford, Adam Crawford and Aron Price, three golfers more anonymous than Swedish bunny-jumping (an equestrian style pursuit called “Kaninhop”). But given they lead the national championship of Australia, chances are they’re a lot better at golf than you.
Following these golfing superdudes are a thousand people on -2 and -1 and even par, including Our Rory, who’s 2-over today after four holes. But he’s really, really good at golf, Our Rory, and you can expect the diminutive Irish Wolfhound to rip into this tournament like it’s a bleeding chunk of osso bucco.
This is, after all, I Would Quite Like To Play On The Weekend Day.
I’m Matt Cleary. We’ll kick off the live call at 2pm AEST (2am GMT, 3am in Sweden).
