Here’s Kim Thonger and he’s not happy. “I wonder if you could ask England to stop taking wickets quite so regularly. I’m trying to multi-task, following the OBO while also booking skis, boots, helmets and lift passes online via the Ski Club of Great Britain app, which is frankly requiring more attention than I’m able to give while stumps and bails are flying hither and thither. Thank you, most kind.”
“Morning Tim!” It’s my friend and yours, Emma John. “I’m watching this session from Perth where it’s just coming up 9.30am and already a lot warmer than Melbourne. I’ll miss most of the afternoon’s play flying over there so I’m just hoping England can keep this up while I’m in the air… My Perth family, who considered themselves Aussie through the first three Tests, have suddenly remembered that they’re English!”
LUNCH! And the morning belongs to Josh Tongue
25th over: Australia 72-4 (Khawaja 21, Carey 9) Atkinson beats Carey again, angling the ball in from round the wicket, then nipping it away. Carey dabs the next ball down into the gully, where Jacob Bethell makes another of his fine stops – and shows us his underpants, which are bright blue Budgy Smugglers. “I wonder if he realises,” says one of the commentators, “that his trousers are drawstring.”
England’s bowling on this tour has often been pants, but not today. Gus Atkinson set the tone with an opening spell that was straight from the Jofra Archer playbook, asking the right questions and conceding hardly any runs. Brydon Carse was all over the place, but when Josh Tongue replaced him, Australia collapsed – from 27-0 to 51-4. Are they England in disguise?
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24th over: Australia 70-4 (Khawaja 20, Carey 8) Tongue bowls an eighth over in a row, adding to the suspicion that Stokes is indisposed. Khawaja plays his signature shot, the clip for two, and then sees a full ball early enough to hit it (a) straight and (b) for four, his first boundary in this innings.
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23rd over: Australia 64-4 (Khawaja 14, Carey 8) Carse is taken off for the second time (8-1-32-0). His second spell was better than his first but still inconsistent.
Atkinson returns for an over or two before lunch. He resumes where he left off, drawing a leading edge from Khawaja (which goes away for three) and then beating Carey with a length ball outside off.
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22nd over: Australia 61-4 (Khawaja 11, Carey 8) Tongue, like Atkinson, bowls his seventh over in a row. Carey is confident, decisive, far more dynamic than Khawaja. He plays an on-drive for two, a cover-drive for two more. He has eight off ten balls, when the three batters above him – Lasbuschagne, Smith and Khawaja – have made 26 off 78 between them.
The Barmy Army take the opportunity to sing when they’re winning – though their song is a hymn to themselves.
21st over: Australia 57-4 (Khawaja 11, Carey 4) Carse too goes short to Carey, who has no trouble smacking a long hop for three. But again Carse flirts with respectability, persuading Khawaja to inside-edge into his boots, just past the stumps, and then to miscue a pull.
20th over: Australia 54-4 (Khawaja 11, Carey 1) So here’s Alex Carey, who would not have been expecting to bat before lunch. His first ball is short and he tucks it away for a single. Khawaja adds another of his clips for two, but Tongue still goes off to the boundary with a big smile on his face. He has 6-2-14-3.
It was straight, it was full, it was 86mph. it was the kind of ball that sometimes traps Smith LBW, but this time he didn’t even get his pad in the way. And Josh Tongue has three for 11!
WICKET! Smith b Tongue (Australia 51-4)
“Bowled him!” says the commentator on TNT. And a moment later, sure enough, Steve Smith’s middle stump is sent flying.
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19th over: Australia 51-3 (Smith 9, Khawaja 9) Carse continues, which makes you wonder if Stokes is carrying an injury. But Carse does better, beating Khawaja outside off – and even completing a maiden. His figures are now 7-1-29-0.
“With these English conditions,” says Colum Fordham, “the game is just crying out for the doyen of English seamers – Jimmy Anderson – who I’d rather have in the side, despite his venerable age, instead of Brydon Carse. Carse may take wickets but he leaks runs with his waywardness. Atkinson has emulated Jimmy with his immaculate length and line. Still, nice to enjoy an Australian mini-collapse.”
18th over: Australia 51-3 (Smith 9, Khawaja 9) As Tongue continues, Khawaja flicks for two and a single, but in between he’s beaten outside off.
“Josh Tongue is bowling beautifully,” Gillespie says, “and yet we’ve got two slips and a gully, four fielders on the leg side. Feels like England are just going through the motions.” I wouldn’t say that, but Stokes has become almost as defensive with his field placings as he’s been with the bat. A gulf has opened up between Bazball and Benball, and it seems to be getting wider.
17th over: Australia 48-3 (Smith 9, Khawaja 6) Carse again. He keeps Khawaja quiet enough but then sees Smith play an almost premeditated pull, helping the ball round to the square-leg boundary with the greatest of ease. It’s bizarre that Stokes is bowling Carse, in this form, against Australia, in this pickle.
“Morning Tim,” says Dave Espley. “Another one in level 4 here. Me and my wife with a retirement bucket list trip taking in Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney, with a cheeky week in the Gold Coast.” The whole thing sounds prerety cheeky to someone stuck in London. “Our strategy has been to buy tickets for the first three days then make a call for days 4 and 5, which has worked well so far. Too well... Hoping to have to get my hand in my pocket at some point – could this be the Test?” Let’s hope.
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16th over: Australia 43-3 (Smith 5, Khawaja 5) Tongue to Smith again. Smith is moving around the crease so much, he could be Harry Brook. He plays a quirky little chip, just short of mid-on. Tongue has a leg slip but he could do with a short square leg as well. Where’s Ollie Pope when they need him?
15th over: Australia 43-3 (Smith 5, Khawaja 5) Carse’s first ball goes for two as Khawaja pushes into the covers. So does his third, flicked off the pads. The other four balls are fine, but Khawaja keeps them out and Carse now has 5-0-24-0, whereas Atkinson and Tongue between them have 10-5-15-3.
In the crowd, a few people are pulling their hoods on. Melbourne coudn’t be more English if it tried.
Atkinson finally gets a rest. But it’s not Stokes replacing him – it’s Carse!
14th over: Australia 39-3 (Smith 5, Khawaja 1) Usman Khawaja gets off the mark with a single as Tongue aims for a leg-stump yorker. And then Smith shows his first sign of aggression, stepping outside his crease and off-driving for four. When he misses a shorter ball, England appeal, Dharmasena shakes his head and Stokes reviews. No use asking Snicko … The naked eye could tell you that it brushed Smith’s sweater.
“I like what Josh Tongue brings to this line-up,” says Jason Gillespie, who knows all about seam bowling. “He bowls just past the 12 o’clock and it just creates a little bit of indecision.”
13th over: Australia 34-3 (Smith 1, Khawaja 0) Stokes gives Atkinson a seventh over and is rewarded with another maiden. The real Gus Atkinson has finally stood up.
The weather is English, the pitch is English, and Australia’s batting, for the past half-hour, has been more English than the English.
12th over: Australia 34-3 (Smith 1, Khawaja 0) Tongue bowls one more ball, to Usman Khawaja, to complete his second over. He walks off into the outfield with dreamy figures: 2-1-3-2.
Drinks! And suddenly, Australia are reeling
Tongue drew a nick from Labuschagne which dropped short of Harry Brook at third slip. Then, next ball, he did it again, and the ball carried to Root at first slip. That’s drinks after an hour of two halves. Australia won the first half, reaching 27 without loss from the first six overs, as Brydon Carse bowled like a drain. Since then, it’s been 7-3. Game on!
WICKET! Labuschagne c Root b Tongue 6 (Australia 34-3)
Tongue is making the ball talk!
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11th over: Australia 34-2 (Labuschagne 6, Smith 1) Stokes must be tempted to turn to himself, but he keeps Atkinson on for the moment. Smith does the splits, takes a blow to the thigh, and falls over. He wanted to play another leg glance but knew there was a leg slip there. He’s such a problem-solver. It’s another maiden for Atkinson, who has replaced Jofra Archer as England’s Mr Thrift.
“Morning from Level 4 at the MCG, Tim,” says Guy Hornsby. “Fulfilling a lifelong dream of getting to the Boxing Day Test, with the cherry on top of being at the Ashes. I’m here with my twin brother Dave and daughter Leila, taking in a tense first session with weather much more from our home ground Old Trafford than Melbourne!
“It’s a real yin and yang with Atkinson’s nagging accuracy and Carse’s scattergun back of a length stuff. But we have a wicket, and that’s what we need when we’ve chosen to bowl. I still think we can get something out of this series, and we’ll know a lot from where we are by the close tonight.”
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10th over: Australia 34-2 (Labuschagne 6, Smith 1) Here’s Steve Smith, back in the team after his spell of vertigo, and captaining it again as Pat Cummins takes another break with the Ashes in the bag. Tongue beats Smith first ball, outside off, then goes full and straight, bursting for an LBW, but Smith is equal to it and gets off the mark with a flick.
Still, whisper it, but … England are on top for now.
WICKET! Weatherald c Smith b Tongue 10 (Australia 31-2)
Josh Tongue strikes with his second ball! It’s a poor delivery, angled down the leg side, but Jake Weatherald gets a nick and Jamie Smith takes a good catch.
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9th over: Australia 31-1 (Weatherald 10, Labuschagne 4) Atkinson jags one ball back into Labuschagne, who leaves it and gets a bruise on his left thigh. That’s a maiden, so Atkinson now has 5-2-7-1.
Never mind the cricket, the commentators are talking about the weather. In Melbourne it’s been the coldest Christmas for 19 years. The temperature today is 17, which seems very English. In Tasmania, meanwhile, it’s been a white Christmas.
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8th over: Australia 31-1 (Weatherald 10, Labuschagne 4) Stokes keep the faith with Carse, who bowls his best ball so far, drawing a nick from Labuschagne that doesn’t carry to Root at first slip. Carse averages only 22 to right-handers in Tests, which is world-class. Against left-handers he averages 40, so you wonder why he’s been given the new ball against two left-handed openers.
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7th over: Australia 30-1 (Weatherald 10, Labuschagne 3) Even after the wicket, Stokes doesn’t set an attacking field: just two slips, a (narrow) gully and a short leg. Atkinson is full to Marnus Labuschagne, enticing the drive, in fact two of them. The first is well stopped by Atkinson himself; the second goes to long-on, where Carse puts in a good chase and saves one. Then Atkinson beats Weatherald with a length ball.
Atkinson has 4-1-7-1, Carse 3-0-19-0. Get Josh Tongue on!
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WICKET! Head b Atkinson 12 (Australia 27-1)
The breakthrough! Atkinson does what he nearly did in the first over – cramping Head for room and drawing an inside edge onto his stumps.
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6th over: Australia 27-0 (Head 12, Weatherald 10) Carse goes full outside off, for the first time today, I think. Head says thanks very much and drives for four. Next ball, same line, same result, though Head has to take more of a risk, hitting the ball on the up. He takes a single and hands over to Weatherald, who takes over, drop-kicking for two over the bowler’s head, then driving for four more. Fifteen off the over: that’s rubbish.
“The persistence with Carse is really driving me to distraction,” says Luke Regan. “He’s so inconsistent with his line and length, just not good enough at this level. His FC stats don’t lie. Potts is a much better bowler (FC stats don’t lie) and not materially worse with the bat.” This email arrived ten minutes ago and has already proved prophetic.
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5th over: Australia 12-0 (Head 3, Weatherald 4) Atkinson pitches it up, until he doesn’t. Head goes for the cut – and Bethell pulls off an excellent stop in the gully, low to his right. He’s already improved England’s fielding.
4th over: Australia 12-0 (Head 3, Weatherald 4) As Carse continues, Jacob Bethell gets into the game for the first time with a dive at gully that saves a run or two. Carse bowls better, locating off stump, jagging one ball back into Head, but then reverting to leg theory. A poor ball gives Head an easy two off his legs.
3rd over: Australia 9-0 (Head 1, Weatherald 3) Jake Weatherald, who faced only one of the first 12 balls, gets a proper go against Atkinson. He plays the first scoring shot of the day that goes where it was meant to – a punch into the covers for two. Atkinson won’t mind: at least he was on the front foot.
2nd over: Australia 6-0 (Head 1, Weatherald 0) Brydon Carse, bowling to Head, starts with … a no-ball. And the rest of the over is a mixed bag. After beating the bat outside off, Carse aims at the legs, perhaps because there’s a leg slip and a short square leg. Head keeps flicking and missing, but he picks up four leg-byes. Hmmm.
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1st over: Australia 1-0 (Head 1, Weatherald 0) It turns out to be a good first over. Atkinson gets Head jumping around and the only time the bat hits the ball, it’s an inside edge that could easily have been played on. You could almost call it a moral victory.
1st ball Gus Atkinson bowls to Travis Head. The line isn’t bad – sixth stump – but it’s too short. Same old story!
The players are out there. England go into a huddle, then disperse. And here comes the most significant element on the scene: Travis Head’s moustache.
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“And merry Christmas to you!” says Gareth Wilson. “If I can gently disagree with Andrew Benton, what is most galling, and slightly puts your lovely stat on runs difference to bed, is that Australia have not been amazing. They haven’t needed to be. Sure – one Travis Head innings, one Alex Carey Test, and some good Starc, but none of those by themselves should have been enough to go 3-squat up.
”England have faced a historically poor Aussie team and STILL blown it. It’s depressing, but hey, 0-0 right?
“Love your work.” Thanks! The Christmas spirit is flowing.
Would it be churlish to point out that there have been two big innings from Travis Head? And I’m not sure about historically poor – you should have seen Graeme Yallop’s gang in 1978-79, who lost 5-1 to England at home.
“Nervous anticipation” is the subject line on the next email. “The usual pre-match anticipation somewhat sharpened,” says Brian Withington, “as I wait to find out whether £500 spent on a pair of tickets via a secondary platform has been a wasted investment. My son and his partner are currently queuing for the first moment of truth – can they actually get into the ground? Other truths may emerge through the course of the day.” Ha.
The teams: no Doggett
England stick with the XI they announced in advance, so Jacob Bethell replaces Ollie Pope – who was giving him some throwdowns this morning, so no hard feelings. Jofra Archer is injured, so Gus Atkinson comes back. Graeme Swann and Alastair Cook feel that, with some grass on the pitch, England may regret not picking Matthew Potts, who pitches it up more than their other seamers.
Australia leave out Brendan Doggett, preferring Michael Neser, who did so well in Brisbane, and Jhye Richardson, who returns from four years of bad luck with injuries. Smith replaces Josh Inglis, Cam Green is demoted to No 7, and there’s no spinner, which may have been one more reason why Stokes has asked Australia to bat first and bowl last.
Australia 1 Head, 2 Weatherald, 3 Labuschagne, 4 Smith (capt), 5 Khawaja, 6 Carey (wkt), 7 Green, 8 Starc, 9 Neser, 10 Richardson, 11 Boland.
England 1 Crawley, 2 Duckett, 3 Bethell, 4 Root, 5 Brook, 6 Stokes (capt), 7 Smith (wkt), 8 Jacks, 9 Atkinson, 10 Carse, 11 Tongue.
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Toss: England win and elect to bowl
It’s a grey day, so Ben Stokes has put Australia in to bat. Steve Smith says he would have done the same. As it is, he has to bowl last with no spinner.
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Pre-match reading (2)
It’s Melbourne, it’s Boxing Day, it’s a crowd three times the size of Lord’s, and it’s seen some spectacular cricket. Andy Martin picks five Ashes Boxing Days to remember, all from the past 40 years, and not all going Australia’s way.
The next email starts with a line I’m not used to seeing. “Dead right Tim,” says Dean Kinsella. “I haven’t been able to follow the previous 3 tests all that closely for various reasons (perhaps not a bad thing), but ready for this game. So it’s a clean slate for me. Two matches of my absolute favourite sport to come.”
Pre-match reading
Some players are hoarders, others are not. Shane Warne, it turns out, was a secret hoarder, and some of his stuff is now on display at the MCG. Jim Wallace, of this parish, has had a preview.
The first email of the day has landed. “Hope you had/are still having a super Christmas,” says Andrew Benton. Thanks, it’s been very nice, hope yours has too. And everyone’s!
“I can see a scenario,” he goes on, “in which Rob Key and Brendan McCullum are advising the England players to be laid back and chill, and Ben Stokes is quietly telling everyone they need to work 24/7 on everything at all times in order to have a good chance of winning. Given the whole point of the Bazball style was to win the Ashes as McCullum and Stokes said many times over the years, why have the Key/McCullum heads not yet rolled? Australia have been amazing, but you’d sort of expect that.”
Heads don’t usually roll during the series, do they? That’s one of the ways in which cricket still keeps its distance from football. But as you say, it’s been very interesting to hear Stokes and McCullum singing from different hymn sheets. If only one of them gets to stay, you’d expect it to be Stokes. But McCullum has an assignment straight after this series – the WT20 in the subcontinent – so maybe his fate, like Joe Root’s as captain four years ago, will be decided at the end of the next chapter.
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Preamble
So here it is … Merry Christmas! Everybody’s having fun (except perhaps Ben Duckett). Look to the future now, it’s only just begun.
Does Sir Geoffrey always tell you that the old ways are the best? Then he’s up and rock’n’ – hang on, there’s no way of making that work. Much like being in charge of an England Test team in Australia if your name is not Andrew.
Anyway, here’s a quiz question. Of all the losing squads England have sent on an Ashes tour this century, which one has done least badly? Using a simple yardstick: the gap between their average score and Australia’s.
Look away now if you want a minute to think about this. But you’ve probably guessed where I’m going with it. Yes, the answer is … Ben Stokes’ brave boys from 2025-26.
They’re averaging 258 per completed innings (actually, all their innings have been completed – for some reason, not even Stokes has been inclined to declare). The Aussies have made 372 per completed innings – only four of those so far, but the two romps to victory still feed into the average. So the difference between the two sides has been 114.
That may sound embarrassing, but, by England’s Ashes-tour standards, it’s highly respectable. Last time round, under Joe Root, they averaged a feeble 202. Their bowlers kept the Aussies down to 350, which still left them, on average, 148 behind.
The time before, also on Root’s watch? England batted better, averaging 292. But we may have to give most of the credit to the pitches, as the Aussies averaged 514. No, that is not a misprint: the gulf was 222, almost twice as bad as in the present series.
How about 2013-14, under Alastair Cook? England averaged 216, Australia 414, so the gulf was 198. Or 2006-07, under Fred Flintoff? England 264, Australia 528, the gulf 264. Should have stuck to calling himself Andrew.
Which just leaves Nasser Hussain’s tour in 2002-03 – surely that wasn’t too bad? Well, the batting wasn’t. England 293, Australia 468, the gulf 175.
With the ball, Stokes’s team have been more effective than any other bunch of England losers, bar the lockdown gang of 2020-21. With the bat, they are fourth out of six, and as they’ve done better in each Test of this series than the one before (yes, really), they could end up second. In terms of the gulf, they’re the bees’ knees. It hasn’t been worse than usual: it’s just been more galling for the fans because their hopes were higher.
Some are calling these last two Tests a dead rubber, but that’s a term that just doesn’t belong in Test cricket. Every match is an occasion, never mind Melbourne on Boxing Day. Every match counts – for the World Championship, for the mood in the camp, for the individual’s self-respect, for the reckoning afterwards, and for the career average that a Test cricketer has to carry around on his back like a snail.
The first game I went to in Australia was the fifth Test of 1986-87 in Sydney. It was billed as a dead rubber because England, of all people, had just gone 2-0 up to seal the series. The Aussies, captained by Allan Border and buoyed by a dream debut from Peter Who?, took the game seriously and won it. The great John Woodcock reckoned it was that game that sowed the seeds of the 1989 series, when Border’s team beat England 4-0. Far from dying, that rubber had helped the Aussies to bounce back.
Recent history tells England supporters that the wheels may well be about to come off, but there’s still plenty to play for. And neither Pat Cummins nor Nathan Lyon is playing, so Root and Stokes, England’s two old stagers, won’t have to face their nemeses.
The other England batters need to treat Mitchell Starc the way they treated Jasprit Bumrah in the summer: don’t take him on, do see him off. Then they just have to figure out how to play the demon Neser. Oh, and Jhye Richardson, who, the last time he bowled in a Test, four years ago in Adelaide, helped himself to five England wickets.
A consolation victory is still a victory. And it would bring some consolation.
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