There are more cunning plans being bandied around in this series than Baldrick ever had in Blackadder. My cynical streak suggests many are more bluff and balderdash rather than brilliant insights.
We have heard quite a lot about Shane Bond being in his bunker with Joe Root poring over the techniques of the Australia batsmen. Then Jimmy Anderson lets slip that England do not have to bowl any differently to Steve Smith than anyone else.
This much is clear: in this series Australia are not going to be outdone in any department. They have cunning plans too and most are, understandably, directed at England’s best player. So it was that Smith could note before the Test here: “It was nice our plans [for Root] worked. I read something on Twitter the other day about a trend that’s been occurring with him since the start of 2016. He’s got out lbw a lot.
“It’s nice we are able to open up that side of his bat and I saw him working on it in the nets the other day so he’s trying to fix those issues. That’s tough to do in the middle of the series. So we’ll have some things going through his head out in the middle. That’s something we can play on out in the middle as well.”
Here we go again. “That’s a great piece of mental disintegration, skip. We are executing our mental disintegrating skills just as we planned.” Gone are the days when sides won games simply because they bowled and batted better than their opponents. Now it seems they gain the upper hand with a brilliantly conceived phrase here, a superb use of the adverb there.
Please let’s leave those microphones on so we can appreciate the brilliance of the barbs – and be spared the barbarity.
There is a grain of truth in Smith’s observations. Root has been lbw 11 times in his past 29 innings. In the previous 72 knocks he was lbw only seven times. Before absolute despair sets in among England supporters it should also be pointed out that in those 29 innings Root averages 49.04, below his career average of 53.35, but not by a disastrous amount. No doubt the English analysts have gone into a huddle and come up with another cunning plan: “Er, how about using the bat a bit more often, Joe.”
Likewise there has been endless talk of “the line” in this series. Nathan Lyon plans to head‑butt it (whatever that means). Smith says: “We know there’s a line out there and we don’t want to cross it. So we’re going to continue to play that way. What is the line? It’s a line I guess the umpires make on the field and the match referee as well.”
Like the pursuit of mental disintegration this is a relatively modern development. Not so long ago the captains were the ones who decided where that line was. But they are too busy for that now – concocting cunning plans.
