The Bertrand-Bond Award for sports team of the year
This is a tough one to call. The Western Sydney Wanderers surely had even code-warrior bores in their corner as they took out the Asian Champions League title. Magnificently led throughout the year by Meg Lanning, the Southern Stars claimed the World Twenty20 to go with their 2013 50-over crown and Hawthorn went back-to-back for the first time since the 80s in the AFL. It was also the first time in nine years that NSW could boast an Origin series winning team after the Blues claimed one of the most unexpected triumphs of the year.
Still, it’s pretty hard to go past Australia’s men’s cricket side. 5-0 Ashes winners in January and then the number one side in the world on the back of their 2-1 away triumph against South Africa, only a loss against Pakistan in the UAE spoiled a perfect year. In more recent times they’ve lifted the spirit of the cricket community in paying magnificent tribute to their tragically-passed teammate Phillip Hughes with one of the great wins of 2014 against India in Adelaide.
Will we ever see any sports television as visceral and captivating as the regular sight of Mitchell Johnson slicing into the world’s best batsmen like a hot knife through butter? It was Australian sport at its best.
The Wayne Arthurs Shield for lovably crap Australian sport
It’s hardly been a magical year for the Socceroos or coach Ange Postecoglou – we did still think him Australia’s greatest coach at one point, mind you - but everything about the way the plucky, unfancied Australians went about their business at the World Cup that made you love them even as they were being hammered.
Have you ever been so thoroughly thrilled by a defeated side than you were by the heroic, indefatigable Socceroos who went down 3-2 to Holland? Belted 3-1 by Chile (a harsh scoreline, really) and 3-0 by Spain (err, pretty fair in that case), they nevertheless did their country and the game proud by going out with a bang and not a whimper.
Matthew Leckie announced himself in grand style, Mile Jedinak put aside the ignorance of his prime minister to lead with gusto and a host of lesser likes refused to concede that they were totally outmatched in the ‘group of death’ (has Australia ever not drawn this one?).
There was also the small matter of Tim Cahill’s perennial, irreplaceable magic – a worry too in some senses - and the greatest piece of solo brilliance in Australian football history. You could watch it 200 times on a loop. Many of us did.
The Justin Langer blood-stained towel for toughest sporting feat of the year
It’s potentially a little overplayed now, but Sam Burgess’s Grand Final-winning performance for the drought-breaking Rabbitohs - all bone-breaking, blood-letting, face-swelling and “how the hell are they letting him stay out there?” toughness – was an old-fashioned and unsanitised display of sporting belligerence. It was everything that is brilliant and mystifying about the sport in one performance.
The Gary Ablett Award for most breathtaking moment of the AFL season
There’s not much left to be said about Hawthorn’s relentless Premeriship-winning dominance, but you could never tire of watching Chad Wingard’s runaway winner for the league’s Mark of the Year competition – an outrageous, jaw-dropping leap and mark that had fans around the country jumping off their sofas in appreciation.
Who else would have the time and confidence to stop and fix up their hair before launching themselves into the air like that? This guy’s face said it all.
The Mercantile Mutual Cup for the greatest cult sports competition
The FFA has copped their fair share of stick over the years, but surely the sight of Mr Whippy vans during broadcasts tells you that you’re doing something gloriously right with your sport. The FFA Cup, as derivative an idea as it was, brought semi-pro sport’s everyday heroes to a national audience, pitting minnow sides against the A League’s best in heart-warming style. Long may it live.
The Mark Philippoussis repossessed Ferrari Award for most eye-catching tennis performance of 2014
By the time he’d finished his giant-killing run at the All England Club this year, there was surely no Australian left who didn’t know the name Nick Kyrgios. The Canberran teenager, then ranked 144 in the world, scorched his way to the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and no moment was better than the audacious through-the-legs winner during his magnificent upset win over World No1 Rafael Nadal. Pronouncements of the death of Australian tennis might have been a little premature.
The Janet Jackson bronze-coated bra for serious wardrobe malfunctions
You’d think we’d learned from the 1982 Brisbane Commonwealth Games fiasco, when the Apple Isle was heartlessly culled from the giant Australian map featured in the opening ceremony, but proving that no tradition is too divisive to resurrect, Australia’s swimming team uniform designers decided that there is nothing less chic than a visible map of Tassie. So they gave it the chop.
This one has bonus points thanks to Jacqui Lambie, as the erstwhile Palmer United senator fumed that her state had been snubbed heartlessly. “I hope that it was an oversight and not deliberate,” said Lambie. “Tasmania also disappeared from Olympic medals and posters for Baz Luhrmann’s movie Australia, so it’s very disappointing that the same oversight has happened a number of times,”. It was almost asthough she was keeping a list.
Even an official apology, claimed Lambie, was not enough and she then took the extraordinary leap of logic to claim that the snub might affect local businesses and tourism, as though potential visitors refer not to Google maps, but the torsos of Olympic swimmers when they’re planning their holidays. The whole thing was far more entertaining than the swimming programme itself, to be blatantly honest.
The John Terry Trophy for Full-Kit Wanker of the Year
Okay, so he wasn’t actually in full kit. It was a split-kit though, which is surely a far greater sin. Yes, Jason Derulo – a man known primarily for saying his own name over and over again – set Twitter alight with his A-League Grand Final performance. Decked out in a composite shirt that should have been publicly torched following the game, Derulo took seven minutes to confirm that no-one misunderstands their core constituents less than sports administrators.
The Mick Malthouse Award for prickly moments in coach-media relations
It was a superb year for Australian basketball – Boomers Patty Mills and Aron Baynes emerged as genuine contributors at NBA level in the San Antonio Spurs’ championship win, Andrew Bogut was never less than excellent when he could make it onto the court, while Matthew Dellavedova and Joe Ingles also announced themselves on the world stage.
Yet it was former Aussie and now Phildelphia 76ers coach Brett Brown who had the greatest media interaction of the year when asked what he’d emphasise to his defence. His deadpan response was a minor classic.
The Sandy Roberts Award for mistaken identity
You had to feel sorry for Fox Sports reporter Julian de Stoop on this one. Standing outside the training base of Collingwood football club, it was fair that the media man would be on guard for an interjection or two from passing “nuffies”, though the giant golden Larry O’Brien trophy carried by San Antonio Spurs Patty Mills and Aron Baynes might have been a bit of a giveaway that he’d been had by slightly higher-profile video bombers.
The Rob de Castella Award for spirited Commonwealth Games performances
There is an understated but undeniable appeal to athletes who quietly, efficiently live up to the hype and in Glasgow no Australian did it better than Sally Pearson, shaking off pre-games controversy and expectation to waltz across the line for a gold medal in the 100m hurdles.
In different respects, both the Diamonds netballers and women’s 4x100 metre freestyle relay team also thrilled; the netballers for finally avenging two successive Commonwealth Games final losses to New Zealand and the swimmers – Cate and Bronte Campbell, Mel Schlanger and Emma McKeon - shaved 0.74 seconds off their event’s world record. That’s dizzy stuff in the post-fastsuit era.
The ‘Got your Nose’ perpetual goblet for greatest Dad joke
There wasn’t much to smile about for Essendon supporters this year (let’s be honest, there might not be in 2015 either) but Mark Thompson’s Round 11 ‘pull-away handshake’ move on umpire Shane McInerney was Premiership-quality visual comedy.
The Steve Bartman Golden Glove for least likeable sports fan
What would you do if you’d weaved your way through the MCG throng, plonked yourself down in a seat and discovered that the potato cakes you’d just bought from nearby caterers were a little bit, shall we say, sketchy? Take them back and ask for replacements or a refund? Probably.
“To get served up crap like this, you have to make a stand,” said Richmond cheersquad member Sharon Humphries, only in her case this meant winning herself of 15 seconds of Herald Sun page-view fame by tweeting up a storm about the offending foodstuff and getting her face in the papers, without so much as a visit back to the vendor. As you do.
Not one to call a spade a spade, or a muppet a muppet, Spotless catering retail manager Mick Birmingham offered Humphries a “far better” experience the next time she headed for the bain marie. Sadly, we’ve had no updates since.
The Angry Anderson Silver Microphone for shambolic musical appearances
There were certainly a few among us who didn’t appreciate the sight and sound of Ed Sheeran applying the wet blanket to Tom Jones’ rendition of Kiss in the AFL Grand Final entertainment show, but the general consensus was that the giant Welshman avoided a Meatloaf-style debacle.
The same can’t be said of 90s Aussie rockers Boom Crash Opera, whose Brownlow Medal night rendition of their hit The Best Thing was closer to, well, the worst thing. Some music types suggested vocalist Dale Ryder might have been hampered by shonky “fold-back”, hence the aural experience of being in a seedy karaoke bar at 3am.
At the time I wondered whether I was the only one spellbound by the car crash until I scrolled through Twitter and saw one wag’s concise summary: “Boom Crap Slopra”. Hard to argue with that.
They said it – 2014 in quotes
“We’ve caught up with him this morning and removed his foot from his mouth and my foot from his arse” – Richmond coach Damien Hardwick had an axe to grind with his loose-lipped full forward Jack Riewoldt.
“Hardly anyone takes anything David Warner says serious” – South African team manager Mohammed Moosajee, who possibly lived to regret his comments once Warner and his teammates had dismantled the Proteas in a 2-1 away series win.
“It’s a shit-hole, really” – Brisbane Broncos utility Todd Lowrie was not among the fans of Manly’s Brookvale Oval.
“I witnessed the worst day of captaincy I have ever seen at international level in almost 25 years in the game” – Shane Warne on – yes, you guessed it – England skipper Alastair Cook.
“There’s nothing better than [the home crowd] yelling their rings off” – Waratahs hooker Tatafu Polota-Nau with a unique take on his team’s fans.
“How do you get bowled out in 32 overs? I would have just been getting my eye in” – Geoffrey Boycott was less than impressed with the way England’s batsmen countered the pace of Mitchell Johnson.
“I was dizzy from the middle of the first set and then I saw Snoopy and I thought, ‘Wow Snoopy, that’s weird’.” – Canadian tennis player Frank Dancevic on his struggles with the heat during January’s Australian Open.
“We know that man is well-adapted to exercising in the heat. If you take us back a few thousand years, we evolved on the high plains of Africa chasing antelope for eight hours under these conditions.” – Australian Open tournament doctor Tim Wood with an unusual take on the oppressive and dangerous weather conditions faced by players.
Nick Cummins said it
Let’s be honest, The Honey Badger deserves his own category here. Entire pages are devoted to the Wallbaby Cummins’ unique takes on the world. Here’s a few of the greatest hits.
On ordering food in his new rugby home, Japan: “I was bloody flapping my wings to order some chicken and I was doing all sorts of things. I don’t want to go through how I ordered egg. That was a whole different story. They look at you like someone had asked them to clean the toilet. I will eventually get there.”
On fans who dress up as Cummins: “I first of all thought ‘what the hell is wrong with that bastard’ then I realised, Jesus, they were being me.”
On family: “My old man woke me up in the morning. He was going off like a bag of cats.”
After his Super Rugby hat-trick: “I crossed the line more than Osama bin Laden.”
On the Western Force’s early-season form: “Last year we were all sizzle and no steak, this year we had a horror start but now we are off like a bride’s nightie.”
On his uniquely Australian vernacular: “It’s just a natural thing but people seem to be fascinated by it which worried me a bit. I felt a bit saddened that it became such a thing. It was sad because it must be dying out in Australia. It is sad it is a rare thing to hear that sort of chat. It just rattles off the tongue.”
But nothing – absolutely nothing – beat Cummins’ delightful, idiosyncratic and quotable post-game explanation of his Honey Badger nickname, which goes down as the greatest sports interview of this or perhaps any year and perhaps presents definitive proof that the sports world would be a lot better off without media training.
