The Eurovision song contest is a festival of inclusiveness. Conceived in the messy aftermath of the second world war as a means to reunite a fractured continent, it stands to this day as a reflection of Europe’s progressive liberalism; opening its arms to everyone, be they gay or transsexual or singing binmen who couldn’t win The X Factor a decade ago. So long as you want to join the party, you’re in. Everyone’s welcome.
Within reason, obviously. Because now they’re letting Australia enter Eurovision and I don’t know what to think any more.
Eurovision, it turns out, is wildly popular in Australia. Its annual broadcast on SBS has steadily grown an audience over the past 30 years, with last year’s contest drawing more viewers than ever before. And Australia too, it has to be said, is a lot like Europe; in that there are lots of white people there, and everything is slightly too expensive, and sometimes you can go for months on end without ever seeing a flattering haircut.
However you look at it – economically, politically, cartographically – Australia is simply not a European country. It’s too far away, and too hot, and there are too many poisonous animals that exist purely to murder you.
On that basis alone, Australia should be kept at arm’s length. If they like Eurovision so much, they should start their own song contest with New Zealand, Vanuatu and the assembled population of the Bismarck archipelago. It could be just like Russia’s Intervision Song Contest, but better because it wouldn’t have been assembled as a fiercely conservative kneejerk reaction to Eurovision’s homosexual decadence.
Besides, there’s a very real danger that an Australian presence would open the floodgates and unleash a torrent of other unwelcome interlopers. Because Eurovision isn’t just broadcast in Australia, you know. It’s also broadcast in America. And Egypt. And South Korea. And Hong Kong and Jordan and India. Do we really want to see more people in ironic fancy dress, singing a bad pop song called Bingy Bongy Boo? Do we? Because the Eurovision Song Contest already goes on for about three hours longer than it should. If we start letting everyone join in, there’s a perfectly reasonable chance that the show would never actually end.
Then again, to deny Australia inclusion would be to bow to the grotty, sinister, jobsworth pedantry that already blights so much of modern life. To ban Australia because it isn’t a European country would be to side with all the wet-mouthed pencil-twirlers who pipe up on Mobo day every year to remind us that technically all music is of black origin. It’d be to side with anyone who’s ever asked why there isn’t an International Men’s Day. It’d leave a bad taste in the mouth. It’d be staunchly non-Eurovision. In fact, it’d all be a bit Ukip. And that wouldn’t do at all.
But what if Australia won, you ask? Would everyone in Europe then have to send a representative to the other side of the world next year, to perform their songs in an echoey arena to an unresponsive audience at 8am? To which I reply: where’s your sense of adventure? And also: that’s really unlikely to happen, due to block voting and the fact that the current number one record in Australia sounds like a regional cocktail premix manufacturer’s hold music.
So if you want in, Australia, you’re in. We’ll welcome you with open arms, for that is the Eurovision way. Just, you know, keep your song nice and short because I’ll probably end up having to liveblog it and I don’t want to be up all night.
