In the interests of journalistic completeness, I have now read the entire 238-page Jeffrey Epstein birthday book. Now, frankly, I wish I’d trained to be a plumber rather than a journalist. The book is page after page of soul-corroding evil in which impossibly wealthy men chortle over their fun pal Jeff being a monstrous pedophile.
The banner revelation is that the Wall Street Journal‘s July description of Donald Trump’s birthday message was not only accurate, but that billing it as a “naked woman” really undersold the fact that it strongly resembles an underage girl.
But there’s so much more in this book beyond Trump’s extremely gross message. There’s the nightmarish section entitled “CHILDREN”, in which a child (or an adult pretending to be a child) recounts a story about their uncle defecating on the floor in front of them.
But the weirdest thing by some distances comes on page 115, the first entry in the section titled “FRIENDS”:
EPSTEIN: “Rob and Kill” plan by Epstein praised by friend, both men photographed in masks pic.twitter.com/3hdwq6WQmR
— DannyKPolitics (@DannyKPolitics) September 9, 2025
The image shows two masked men, one holding what appears to be a Beretta 92 handgun and the other a large knife. The caption reads:
“Finally, at the home of our friend, let’s call him Mr. Brown, Jeffrey unveiled his plan. To some it may have seemed a get-rich-quick scheme, but to me it was pure genius. Rob and Kill was the name of the plan. The first victim [REDACTED] to be attacked and brutally plundered (would she want more than that?) on the boardwalk in Venice Beach. Broad daylight. The dastardly thieves were never caught.
Postscript: I retired from “the life”, but I recently read an article in New York which led me to believe my old friend Mr. E had continued on and become an industry leader.”
Why is THIS in a birthday book?
In what kind of world is this something that gets included in a man’s 50th birthday book recounting happy memories from his life? I’m sure there’s some context we’re missing, and it’s unclear whether this description refers to a robbery and assault that ever took place, but there’s absolutely no universe in which this is anything other than terrifying.
But hey, maybe Epstein and his obscenely wealthy pals just joked about their plans to sexually assault women while wearing criminal cosplay? But one thing we can conclusively say is that Epstein’s nightmarish world was somehow worse than we ever imagined, and anyone wrapped up in it has some serious questions to answer.
