At last, Ofcom's PSB review: an idiot's guide

British broadcasting's very own equivalent of the 100 years war, Ofcom's second public service broadcasting review, is published tomorrow. Finally. The policy-wonking longueurs have been enlivened by outbursts of fabulous bitchiness between the BBC and Channel 4 – not least Mark Thompson's dismissal of the latter as a "failing UK business" last week. Double miaow! But for those, like Monkey, who never want to hear words such as "remit", "market failure" or "Andy Duncan's FT comment piece" ever again, here's a handy idiot's guide to who wants what tomorrow.