Well, that’s all from me. Thanks for all your emails and tweets. You’ll find all the Premier League match reports below. And you can hop on over to follow Manchester City v West Brom with Rob Smyth here if you like.
Or if you have money on the Grand National, look in on our hoof-by-hoof report here.
Bye.
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I forgot to mention that Eibar didn’t come back from 4-0 down at the Bernabéu as you might have expected. No, they lost 4-0. A game that was over five minutes after it began. Real move just one point behind Atlético in second and close to within seven points of leaders Barça.
How the Bernabéu dressing room may look right now …
Dutch second division team massively troll Cristiano Ronaldo https://t.co/in4z1z172z pic.twitter.com/COxQhD0d8k
— Eurosport UK (@Eurosport_UK) April 9, 2016
On the theme of footballers buying you a pint, Oliver Shepherd has this vicarious offering …
My parents were bought drinks by @CarltonPalmer at the Rising Sun pub in Sheffield. @GreggBakowski
— Oliver Shepherd (@Oliver_Shepherd) April 9, 2016
Northampton are promoted from League Two!
Scenes at the Sixfields Stadium. Their 2-2 draw with Bristol Rovers is enough to take them up to League One. They’ll have to wait to secure the title, mind.
The full time scene! We are going up! pic.twitter.com/Yes7Kq7Jwu
— Northampton Town (@ntfc) April 9, 2016
Bolton are relegated from the Championship!
Derby’s 4-1 victory sends the Wanderers hurtling back into the third tier. What a sorry mess Bolton have been in the past five years. Oh for the Big Sam years.
Full-time: Swansea 1-0 Chelsea
Swansea should surely be safe now. That’s the first time Chelsea have been beaten in the league in the post-Mourinho era.
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Full-time: Watford 1-1 Everton
Evertonians will point out it is another lead let go. The pressure is still on Martínez.
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Full-time: Crystal Palace 1-0 Norwich
The Pardew slide ends here. Palace win their first league game of 2016. Norwich are still in trouble.
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Full-time: Aston Villa 1-2 Bournemouth
Villa aren’t relegated as Norwich have also lost. But they’ll go down. Oh they’ll go down. Well done Bournemouth. What a fine debut season.
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Full-time: Southampton 3-1 Newcastle
Newcastle remain six points behind Norwich with only five games remaining after a defensive performance that came accompanied by the sound of honking horns. They look doomed.
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“Okay, it wasn’t for Milan, but that header Luis Suárez scored against West Brom a few years ago was up there with van Basten et al, no?” Yes, it was from the edge of the box. A beast of a header.
Here’s another long-range header. Carlton! Carlton!
Bristol Rovers have equalised against Northampton. It’s 2-2 and the Cobblers will have to return that champagne to the fridge for a wee bit longer.
“Hey, Big Vic may not score many, but he does have this in his catalogue,” writes David Steinberg. Yes, he does. But what about those fan celebrations? They almost blasted my headphones off my ears.
Goal! Aston Villa 1-2 Bournemouth (Ayew 85)
Ayew drops his shoulder on the edge of the box and fires a low shot into the bottom corner. It’s on!
Bolasie has just missed a great chance to put Palace 2-0 up. He only needed to jab the ball past Ruddy from five yards but he got a horrible connection and Norwich cleared. He’s now gone and done some press-ups in front of teh Holmesdale End to punish himself. Palace are all over Norwich. I’m told they have played very well this second half and much more has happened than I have let on. I will now do press-ups myself. Hnnnngh! One will do.
Bristol Rovers have got a goal back against Northampton. They trail 2-1. One more and they’ll stop the Cobblers getting promoted (for today at least) to League One.
This is a fine duo to have a drink with: “I once had three pints with Peter Shilton and Robert Plant of Led Zep, we all bought a round,” gushes Mark Turner. “As Shilts over time has had a drink with around 10% of the population of the UK, I needed to mention Plant for the rarity factor.”
One team definitely dropping through the trapdoor is Bolton. They’re getting violently kicked into League One by Derby, who lead 4-1.
Goal! Aston Villa 0-2 Bournemouth (King 75)
Well, Villa aren’t going down today thanks to Palace leading against Norwich, but they’re doing their very best to get relegated. It was a fine bit of slapstick defending that led to King getting a free run on goal and the chance to dink the ball deliciously over Guzan.
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Here’s another brilliant Kevin Gallen story …
Goal! Crystal Palace 1-0 Norwich (Puncheon 68)
Palace decide to prolong Villa’s pain and do their own survival hopes the world of good. Puncheon takes the ball about 10 yards out, takes a couple of touches and whips a shot into the top corner from 20 yards. Is today the day the Pardew slide ends?
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Footballers buying pints!
@qprcanada @GreggBakowski remember it well!!🍺
— kevin gallen (@kevingallen10) April 9, 2016
Good man Kevin.
Goal! Southampton 3-1 Newcastle (Townsend 65)
Andros Townsend acts like it’s 2013 all over again and scores with a rasping strike from 20 yards. Is the comeback on? Save your money for that three-legged horse at Aintree.
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Full-time: Stuttgart 1-3 Bayern. Pep takes his side eight points clear of Dortmund.
Goal! Southampton 3-0 Newcastle (Wanyama 55)
Newcastle v Villa in the Championship will be interesting. You know you’re going down when Victor Wanyama scores against you. Saints played a short corner. Long shot at goal, it was blocked. Wanyama blasted home his first goal since 1937.
If you wondering what’s happening between Crystal Palace and Norwich, I can tell you that nothing is happening between Crystal Palace v Norwich.
“Hey there Gregg,” writes Gavin Stewart. “No player has ever bought me a pint, but as his English teacher, Franco Baresi did give me a fine bottle of prosecco for Christmas. A generous soul with weak auxiliary verbs.” I’m sure his auxiliary verbs were solid Gavin. I hope you saved the wine.
Bayern are 3-1 up against Stuttgart now. Ah well, never mind Dortmund. There’s always next season.
Wigan have scored against Coventry in League One. They’ll be rubbing shoulders with Villa and Newcastle next season if they continue this fine run. They’re unbeaten in 19 games and are top of the table.
Pato has missed a sitter for Chelsea. Swansea still lead 1-0.
Northampton are 2-0 up against Bristol Rovers. The town centre will be interesting tonight after they’ve sealed promotion.
Are Newcastle showing any fight in the second half? Erm, no. They’re doing a fine impression of Aston Villa.
“Headers? Top headers? Top diving headers? Here’s Henrik Larsson for Sweden v Bulgaria (2004),” enthuses Mats Anderson. I love this goal. Look at his body shape! It’s like he’s been fired out of a cannon.
Stuttgart are trying to make a game of it against Bayern. They’ve pulled a goal back. I know because I could hear the cheers from Dortmund. They trail 2-1 but have their tails up.
“John Stones has done it again,” writes J.R. in Illinois. “He had about a half an hour to clear the ball and instead screwed around then hosed his ‘keeper. How many times does he have to do it before he’s considered maybe just not that great?” He’ll end up at PSG. Just look at David Luiz.
Peep!
It’s the second half. What’s going to happen? Stay tuned to find out.
Oh, I should also say that Crewe Alexandra are heading for relegation from League One to League Two too. They’re losing 1-0 at Port Vale. Poor Crewe. They polished more England players than Lilleshall ever did back in the 1980s and 1990s. I hope they come good again.
Thomas Gerstenmeyer was bought a drink by 1966 Germany World Cup finalist Helmut Haller. Not bad. “He scored the first goal against England at Wembley. That was in Dundee some years ago,” remembers Thomas. “He did like that he got a standing ovation for that goal when it was shown in the DCA Cinema.”
“Headers? Milan? There can only be one,” writes Highlander fan Adam Hirst. “Maybe they should sign Andy Carroll.”
Peep! And that's half-time
So, as it stands Villa are heading for the Championship, Bolton are heading for League One, where they’ll face Northampton next season, if they beat Bristol Rovers. The runaway League Two leaders are currently leading 1-0.
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Goal! Watford 1-1 Everton (Holebas 45)
Everton perhaps set a new record for throwing away a lead in the quickest time possible.
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Goal! Aston Villa 0-1 Bournemouth (Cook 45)
The Villa Park ship tilts to a 45 degree angle and will now steadily descend into the murk of the Championship over the next 45 minutes or so unless Norwich also lose. Steve Cook finishes from close range after Bournemouth played a sharp short corner.
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Goal! Watford 0-1 Everton (McCarthy 45)
A mistake by Cathcart is pounced on by the Everton midfielder, who nips in and gives the Toffees the lead.
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Remember when Ivan Campo played for Bolton? Sam Huscroft does, and the magnificently coiffed defender bought him a bevy. “In his Bolton days Ivan Campo got the beers in at the Manchester Christmas market for some of the boys and I. A top bloke and a lovely gesture, even if a few of us were possibly already heading towards the ‘tired & emotional’ phase of the session.” Good old Ivan. What days they were for Wanderers.
Goal! Real Madrid 4-0 Eibar (Jese 40)
Oh La Liga! They’re heading for a cricket score.
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Goal! Derby 2-0 Bolton (Ince 37)
Bolton are gone. Derby are doing their playoff promotion hopes a world of good, though.
Goal! Southampton 2-0 Newcastle (Pelle 38)
Rafa looks like he can barely believe what he’s seeing. He looks affronted by this defence. Janmaat is caught horribly out of position and as he tries to correct himself he collapses hurt. The Newcastle defence opens up once more and Long, unselfishly, finds Pelle, who finds the bottom corner in unerring style. Newcastle are knackered aren’t they?
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Goal! Middlesbrough 1-0 Preston NE (Adomah 31)
Boro have recovered fantastically well after Karanka’s wobble a few weeks ago. If they beat North End they’ll have collected 12 points from their last 12.
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It’s 0-0 at Crystal Palace v Norwich, Watford v Everton and Aston Villa v Bournemouth. Not a classic day in the English top flight. Twitching sphincters appear to be strangling the life out of the Palace-Norwich match where hardly a thing has happened.
“Since ‘Headers in Milan games’ is becoming a theme: Here (2m 28s) is the one-man-against-three header from Rosenborg’s Vegard Heggem that dumped Milan out of the 96-97 Champions League,” writes Doremus Schafer.
Veggard Heggem bought me a drink in a bar in Liverpool once. And we had a little boogie with Erik Meijer too. Here’s another question readers: what footballer has bought you a drink?
Northampton have taken the lead against Bristol Rovers. They’ll be in League One by 4.45pm if it stays that way. Adams scored the goal.
Goal! Swansea 1-0 Chelsea (Sigurdsson 26)
Well it was always going to be him. He’s the best thing out of Iceland since, um, Sigur Ros, Bjork, strong political protests and Trapped. Actually, Iceland’s quite good at producing impressive things. Montero does some fine work on the wing, finds Sigurdsson and he in turn finds the left-hand bottom corner.
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“Gregg, if you believe in nominative determinism, surely Newcastle should have signed Jordy Clasie?” offers Shaun Wilkinson. I fully expect him to score two own goals today Shaun.
Goal! Real Madrid 3-0 Eibar (Ronaldo 20)
Well that would do just fine against Wolfsburg. Ronaldo taps home. Feet up everyone.
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Goal! Real Madrid 2-0 Eibar (Lucas Vazquez 18)
This is a great sound-check for the Wolfsburg game. Impeccable.
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Newcastle have barely touched the ball in 19 minutes of football against Southampton. They can see the Championship just over the ridge there.
Aston Villa are doing OK so far, seeing quite a bit of the ball and making a few advances on the right wing. Not that any of it really matters, mind.
Goal! Derby 1-0 Bolton (Russell 13)
Wanderers are heading towards League One. On the plus side, they’ll have a feisty local derby with Bury again.
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Here’s Jacob Steinberg’s match report from a wonderfully bonkers game at Upton Park earlier, in which Andy Carroll pressed his turbo button.
“Headers? Milan? This is THE diving header by an unkown youngster surrounded by legends. I remember buying 101 Goals Italian Style in about 1991 and being mesmerised by this. The way Ancelotti pulls the stings in midfield is marvellous. And the finish …” The buildup is more Italian than Panettoni, Chris. Beautifully slow, slow, quick.
Goal! Real Madrid 1-0 Eibar (James 5)
Well that didn’t take long. James Rodriguez acts like it’s 2014 all over again and curls a free-kick into the top corner.
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Goal! Southampton 1-0 Newcastle (Long 4)
Newcastle’s defence opens up like an electronic sliding door and allows Long to race into the box and slot home. It’s like they want to go down.
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Bayern have taken the lead against Stuttgart. That was a 2.30pm BST kick-off, though, so don’t go thinking they were quick about their business. Niedermeier scored it.
Peep!
The football o’clock. The 3pm kick-offs are under way.
Looking at pictures from Villa Park, it appears very few Villa fans want to pay to watch their team, very possibly, sink into the second tier. I suppose spending £30 to inflict pain on yourself instead of perhaps going the pub or buying an Indian head massage, is actually really weird.
Take a bow Geoff Pike. “After watching Andy Carrol today, here is the best headed goal I can remember from a West Ham Player,” cheers Barry Jenkins. Bonus points for the fact it is scored with an Adidas Tango.
Burnley have taken another step towards that big bag of Premier League TV cash. They’ve beaten Leeds 1-0. They’re five points clear of third-placed Brighton.
It’s ended 3-3 at Upton Park. Just had a brief discussion with Rob Smyth about great headers given that The Incredible Jumping Man, Andy Carroll, has been all over Arsenal this afternoon.
Robin van Persie’s for Holland at the World Cup obviously springs to mind – and then there’s this beauty from Jared Borgetti against Italy in 2002.
But this header is astonishing from Marco van Basten against Real Madrid in the European Cup in 1989. It’s not even a great cross and it’s behind him. How does he generate so much power?
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“Aston Villa need a Brathwaite to grab 19 points/runs at the death to survive,” offers Raymond Reardon. “Unfortunately, for Aston Villa, they have only six matches to accumulate 18 points, maximum. Besides, there is a shortage of palm trees, rum and dance music in Birmingham.” The Digbeth reggae club, PST, would beg to differ Raymond.
Seeing as Simon McMahon hasn’t been in touch from Scotland yet, I suppose I’ll have to update you that Celtic have gone eight points clear at the top of the Scottish Premiership after beating Motherwell 2-1. So that’s that in the Scottish top flight then.
Meanwhile in Madrid, where Real face 10th-placed Eibar …
Zinedine Zidane makes 8 changes to the side that started against Wolfsburg in the Champions League in midweek. https://t.co/ljvDEIz5KO
— Squawka Football (@Squawka) April 9, 2016
He was never going to drop Ronaldo though was he?
Watford v Everton team news
Watford: Gomes, Paredes, Cathcart, Britos, Holebas, Behrami, Capoue, Watson, Jurado, Deeney, Ighalo. Subs: Nyom, Mario Suarez, Prodl, Amrabat, Guedioura, Pantilimon, Abdi.
Everton: Robles, Coleman, Stones, Jagielka, Baines, McCarthy, Barry, Lennon, Barkley, Deulofeu, Lukaku. Subs: Oviedo, Kone, Mirallas, Niasse, Cleverley, Howard, Funes Mori.
Referee: Kevin Friend (Leicestershire)
Swansea v Chelsea team news
Swansea: Fabianski, Rangel, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor, Cork, Fer, Ayew, Sigurdsson, Montero, Paloschi. Subs: Amat, Ki, Nordfeldt, Routledge, Gomis, Naughton, Barrow.
Chelsea: Begovic, Azpilicueta, Miazga, Ivanovic, Baba, Mikel, Fabregas, Oscar, Loftus-Cheek, Pedro, Alexandre Pato. Subs: Falcao, Courtois, Traore, Kenedy, Aina, Palmer, Colkett.
Referee: Andre Marriner (West Midlands)
Aston Villa v Bournemouth team news
Aston Villa farewell XI? Guzan, Bacuna, Lescott, Clark, Cissokho, Lyden, Westwood, Gana, Richardson, Sinclair, Ayew. Subs: Richards, Traore, Sanchez, Bunn, Gestede, Grealish, Toner.
AFC Bournemouth: Boruc, Francis, Elphick, Cook, Daniels, Ritchie, Gosling, Surman, Gradel, Grabban, King. Subs: Wiggins, Pugh, Iturbe, Wilson, MacDonald, Federici, O’Kane.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
It seems like it was 1897 when Villa kicked off the season with a 1-0 win against Bournemouth.
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Southampton v Newcastle team news
Southampton: Forster, Martina, Fonte, van Dijk, Bertrand, Clasie, Wanyama, Long, Mane, Tadic, Pelle. Subs: Cedric, Yoshida, Rodriguez, Romeu, Ward-Prowse, Stekelenburg, Austin.
Newcastle: Darlow, Janmaat, Taylor, Mbemba, Anita, Sissoko, Shelvey, Townsend, Wijnaldum, Perez, Mitrovic. Subs: Dummett, De Jong, Obertan, Lascelles, Tiote, Woodman, Cissé.
Referee: Robert Madley (West Yorkshire)
So Rafa’s brought Mitrovic back in place of Cissé. Well, he had to. I quite like Mitrovic, despite his lack of goals. He looks like he actually gives a flying one when he plays. Not a bad quality when you’re involved in a dogfight at the bottom.
Crystal Palace v Norwich team news
Crystal Palace: Hennessey, Ward, Dann, Delaney, Souare, Cabaye, Jedinak, Bolasie, Puncheon, Sako, Gayle. Subs: Speroni, Campbell, Lee, Wickham, Ledley, Kelly, Zaha.
Norwich: Ruddy, Wisdom, Bennett, Klose, Olsson, Jarvis, O’Neil, Howson, Brady, Naismith, Mbokani. Subs: Bassong, Jerome, Bamford, Rudd, Hoolahan, Mulumbu, Redmond.
Referee: Michael Oliver (Northumberland)
It's Andy Carroll 3-2 Arsenal!
There’s still a full 40 minutes left too. Incredible. Follow it here with Rob Smyth.
Afternoon. So here’s a cheery introduction for you. It was 10,568 days ago when Aston Villa last suffered relegation, a 2-1 home defeat by Sheffield Wednesday sending Billy McNeill’s side tumbling into the Second Division only five years after being crowned European champions. What a fall from grace. It’s unthinkable that such a thing could happen to a Champions League winner in the age of oligarchs, sexed-up revenue streams and TV billions. There will be many Villa fans who will remember 4 May 1987 well, but their emotions will likely have been very different to those they feel today. Back then, there was perhaps a sense of shock that this had happened to the grand old club. Now? Don’t be daft. No alarms and no surprises. The stench of top-flight death has hung around Villa Park for a long, long time. Norwich can knock the final nail in the coffin this afternoon. Here are the permutations: If Villa draw with Bournemouth and Norwich beat Crystal Palace, Villa go down. If Villa lose and Norwich draw or win, Villa go down. If Villa match or better Norwich’s result, Villa prolong the inevitable.
Fans of schadenfreude can enjoy further reading on Villa’s last relegation in this fine piece by Steven Pye here.
And what about those Canaries eh? They’re causing all kinds of bother at the bottom – if they beat Crystal Palace today they drag Pardew’s side into the mire and go level on points with them. Palace are riding the Pardew slide fiercely in the latter half of this season. They’ve won three points since 2016 and haven’t won a game. That’s a steep descent.
And then there’s Newcastle. They’ve won a point in three games since Rafa Benítez’s appointment. Has he left it too late to have any meaningful effect on a team that have shipped more goals than all other teams but Aston Villa (and they’re hardly a team at all)? They’ve improved going forwards in recent games and have showed more control in possession but the squeakier those bums get the harder it becomes to perform the most basic of tasks. They face Southampton, who can still qualify for Europe, at St Mary’s today. A draw would be a good result – but just not at this stage of the season when they’re six points from safety.
Let’s be honest, Swansea v Chelsea and Watford v Everton probably won’t get the pulses racing in quite the same way, although Roberto Martínez could really do with a win to deflect some of the pelters he’s been getting this week off Evertonians after forcing Leighton Baines into an apology for saying that Everton’s on-pitch chemistry is all over the shop. Oh, and Chelsea could go seventh today. Seventh! They’re this season’s Borussia Dortmund.
And in the Championship, Burnley and Middlesbrough can pull clear of Brighton in the two promotion places as Brighton don’t play until Monday. Bolton could be relegated if they lose at Derby County and in League One, Wigan can take another step back towards the Championship if they beat Coventry. Northampton can be promoted from League Two with a home win against Bristol Rovers. They’re the PSG of lower league football. They’re so far ahead of the rest it feels like they should be allowed to bypass League One and go straight into the Championship.
Elsewhere, Real Madrid will practise throwing the kitchen sink at Eibar in preparation for their Champions League quarter-final second leg against Wolfsburg next week. Bayern can go eight clear of Dortmund if they beat Stuttgart in Bundesliga. And Simon McMahon will no doubt provide an unrivalled summary of all things Scottish.
I’ll have my eye on other happenings, should they happen, too. In fact, you can tell me where and when it’s happening by electronic email. You can help me do my job. Thanks.
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