PANAMA HACK
With their massive canal and willingness to take the credit for brimmed straw hats from Ecuador, it’s difficult to feel anything approaching empathy for the people of Panama. But even The Fiver felt a twinge of sympathy for these central Americans, upon seeing the extraordinary injustices visited upon them in the semi-final of the Gold Cup, world football’s competition to determine the champions of North America, Central America and the Caribbean.
A man down and a goal up against Mexico close to full-time, the Panamanians ended up losing due to two questionable penalties, the first of which was completely ridiculous and scored 10 minutes after being awarded, once all the players had been separated and all the debris – litter mostly – thrown from the stands at the Georgia Dome had been cleared from the pitch. “I ask myself why did this happen?” said Panama manager Hernán Gómez. “We were doing everything well, it is very sad. We are people of football and I still can’t believe this happened and I wonder if this really happened.”
Photographic and TV evidence suggests “this” really did happen, as Univision’s commentator credited the American ref with Mexico’s equaliser, shouting “GOOOOOOOOOOOL DE MARK GEIGER!!!!!”, while the same Mr Geiger had to be escorted from the pitch by a security detail to protect him from assorted angry Panamanians baying for his blood from the stands. Meanwhile in their team’s dressing room, the decidedly aggrieved Panamanian players posed for the cameras, giving a group thumbs-down from behind a banner on which the slogan “Concacaf Ladrones” (translation: Concacaf thieves) was daubed, over the word “corruptos” … which featured no fewer than three times.
Whether or not it was a banner they’d brought with them in anticipation of being the victims of a stitch-up or a member of their backroom staff had hastily rustled it up after the final whistle remains unclear. Indeed, considering some of the stories of corruption surrounding Concacaf in recent years, it’s not out of the question that it was presented to Panama’s players by the organisers, much like sponsors Sky Bet hand out branded “Going up!” banners to teams that have just been promoted from the Championship.
“This is not the ideal situation,” said Mexico coach Miguel Herrera, who had the good grace to seem completely embarrassed by the manner in which his team advanced to the final. “It wasn’t the ideal way to win.” Never mind, at least Concacaf have got the final they’d always wanted: USA! USA!! USA!!! v Mexico. Well, they would have if it wasn’t for those pesky Jamaicans, who only went and knocked out the hosts. Oops.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The players are allowed to wear headphones on the team bus, but not in public. There’s a visual reason for this – a 5ft 5in small player looks ridiculous when the headphones are as large as the whole head” – new Stuttgart manager Alexander Zorniger clamps down on big ear-huggers.
FIVER LETTERS
“With regards to the lack of response from the Blackpool’s Supporters’ Trust regarding their £16m offer for the club (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). It’s hardly surprising as it looks like they’ve approached Mickey Rourke rather than a member of the Oystons” – Morgan Jones.
“I was reading yesterday’s Quote of the Day about Frankfurt and was reminded of my first business trip to Germany. I had just been promoted to team manager and was in charge of our visiting party. As such when the company liaison officer picked us up from the airport I sat up front and tried to make serious and worthy conversation with our host. As we drove round the town where we were stopping the driver said ‘So, what do you think of our city?’ I furiously studied the buildings trying to find any intelligent curiosity I could highlight ‘Well, well …’ I blathered. ‘It’s certainly beautiful. I notice that all the houses are of similar design and colour. In fact they all look roughly the same age, quite modern really. Is there any reason for that?’ The driver went silent for a moment and replied quietly: ‘Er, yes, you sort of bombed us during the war.’ I pretended to fall asleep after that” – Marten Allen.
“Re: football references in rap (Fiver letters passim). I don’t suppose GZA meant he intended to blow up and spectacularly fade away after being over-hyped when he rapped, ‘Off or on stage, whatever, I still kick it, with the footwork of Freddy Adu’” – Lehlohonolo Morahanye.
“No, we can’t move on. Not when football-shaped rapper Action Bronson is kicking football-influenced rhymes like ‘kick [ess], young Ruud van Nistelrooy’ and ‘A young Zinedine Zidane / In Flushing Meadow Park drinking Hennessy with mom’. He also provides a compelling explanation for Arsenal’s goalkeeper struggles and penchant for blowing cup finals: ‘See me doing business with the manager of Arsenal / The goalie’s fingers in the box with the cannolis’” – Kris Nordstrom.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Morgan Jones.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
To fill in the gaps until Football Weekly returns, here’s Barry Glendenning’s full chat with Jimmy Bullard from earlier this year.
BITS AND BOBS
Chris Ramsey believes that Charlie Austin will still be playing for QPR in the Championship next season. The Fiver thought you were kidding, Chris Ramsey. We thought it was a joke. We even wrote it down in our diary: ‘Chris Ramsey had a very funny joke today!’ We laughed at it later. “At the moment, he’s a QPR player and he’s working hard in training,” he honked. “I’m having the idea that he will be here into the season.”
Thibaut Courtois likes nothing better than a joke. Here’s his latest: “There is no difference in having Petr Cech behind me or Asmir. They’re both great keepers and I know I have to play well and that is what I’m trying to do.”
Jack Harper has decided that he would rather do his thing for Brighton than Real Madrid. “We hope we can give him the platform to realise his undoubted potential,” cheered Chris Hughton.
You won’t find a Nessie in the zoo and you won’t find Barcelona spending any more money this off-season. “We have a complete and balanced squad and Luis Enrique is happy with the players he has,” said some suit.
After seeing off Stjarnan 6-1 on aggregate, Queen’s Celtic boss Ronny Deila says his team need to up their game if they’re to advance in Big Cup qualifying against fictional Azerbaijani outfit Qarabag. “They are a good team. I saw them play the first leg at home against the team from Montenegro and it is a big step up from what we have met here,” he cooed.
And Rafa Benítez reckons that there is more chance of catching him dancing around his living room in the nip to an old Neil Sedaka LP (with the brush as his unwilling partner) than of Sergio Ramos leaving Real Madrid. “For me, 100%. I insist that it is clear for me and the club, Sergio will be here. Football is a curious world, but Ramos will be staying,” he crooned.
STILL WANT MORE?
Big Ron sunbathing by a satellite dish and Diego Maradona doing his thing in a Soccer Sixes v Fun House with Pat Sharp mash-up, it must be this week’s edition of Classic YouTube.
The man who showed Him how to sleep. By Russell Jackson.
Michael Essien may not have been in a high-school rock band with Russell Crowe, but has been signed by José Mourinho, and he’s had a chinwag with Owen Gibson about his time at Chelsea.
Jamie Jackson was up all night wondering what’s the best burger sauce around and which Premier League manager would spend £100m the best? Here are his conclusions. About the managers. Not the burger sauce.
Will Kevin de Bruyne do one to Manchester City for £60m? Is José Callejón calling in on Chelsea? Today’s Mill takes a guess.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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